There’s really no getting around it; couples have reached peak annoyance in 2018. They used to cap off at replacing “I” with “we” and copious amounts of PDA, but now we’re at a point where the limit to how cringeworthy a couple can be does not exist. I’m not even just saying this as a bitter single betch with a snarky Hinge bio. I’m one half of a couple and I’m literally on my own damn nerves. Honestly, there are millions of reasons why the secondhand symptoms of monogamy are at an all-time worst, but the main culprit here is Instagram. And I’m talking about the captions. Like, there’s nothing outwardly offensive about a photo of a couple standing in front of something moderately scenic. But throw a caption on it—that’s basically always the reason people hate a couple. Here are a few of the very worst couples Instagram captions ones that you should avoid at all costs.
And no, I’m not going to give you any advice on how to write good couples Instagram captions, because I do not believe there is a safe plan of action to follow here. Basically, we’re all just f*cked. Just make sure to never find yourself typing “cutest couples Instagram captions” into the Pinterest search bar, or you’ll officially have become a lost cause.
1. “This Guy 😍”
This is arguably the most annoying couples Instagram caption in existence. First off, it’s just plain lazy. Secondly, it’s vague as hell. I’m definitely not suggesting that you DTR on every Instagram caption from here on out—that’s the absolute last thing you should be doing—I’m just saying, this caption isn’t going to make you appear chill enough to successfully convince everyone that you’re not disgustingly obsessed with your bae/posting photos so any potential side chicks know to back off.
2. Literally Any Comparison To A Celebrity Couple
I don’t give a sh*t if it’s John and Chrissy or Kermit and Miss Piggy; comparing you and your significant other to a famous couple is just not the move. It’s unoriginal, and it’s basically just a very public, delusional self-compliment. Plus, celebrity relationships (with the exception of John and Chrissy, just going to take a time out to knock on wood here) tend to have a success rate comparable to my ability to fully carry out a Whole30 cycle. You’re basically just cursing your entire relationship.
3. “Had The Best Time In [Insert Location] With This One”
Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each other’s awesomeness? I’m willing to bet you really didn’t have the “best time” on your first weekender with your significant other. It most likely consisted of three straight days of holding in farts with a few scattered “babe, can we just take a quick pic?” opportunities. Spare yourself the lie and just throw down a string of emojis at this point.
4. “Love You Almost As Much As I Love [Insert Food Emoji Here]”
Oh! I see what you did there! You compared your relationship with a human to your relationship with a food that you like to eat. That was pretty funny and I’ve never seen that before. Okay, but on a serious note, I get that Forever 21 and bad meme accounts have brainwashed us all into thinking that liking pizza and wine is a personality trait, but I am urging you to rise above that here. With one unique Instagram caption, you too can save yourself from becoming a statistic.
5. “The [Blank] To My [Blank]”
Unless it’s like, actually pretty funny, this is one of the formats of couples Instagram captions that you should try to avoid. I don’t care if you go together like peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, or orange juice and champagne. Just like, literally STFU.
6. “You Are The Best Thing That’s Ever Been Mine”
The only acceptable way to be a Taylor Swift fan is silently. If you’re going to let your love for T. Swift show on a public social media forum, your options are a) referencing dramatic breakup lyrics from “Sparks Fly” or the Fearless album only, or b) a single Instagram story from the Taylor Swift concert everyone apparently crawled out of the woodwork and attended. You’re not allowed be an avid Taylor Swift fan and in love at the same time publicly. It’s just too much. You may choose one.
7. Anything That Even Vaguely Suggests Relationship Goals
You cannot dub yourself relationship goals. It’s not allowed. Also, I think I stand for most of the Instagram community when I say it is time to put these bare minimum goals to rest. Like, oh? Your boyfriend opened a car door for you? Or bought you flowers? Those are like, extremely normal displays of affection that do not necessarily need to be Instagrammed and bragged about.
Oh and, as a last piece of advice, for the love of God, please always tag your other half in photos so the rest of us can creep appropriately. Thank you!
Images: Rawpixel / Unsplash; Giphy (4)