So last night The Bachelorette was not on and it was suspicious AF. I mean, technically it wasn’t on because of
some basketball thing that I do not care about the NBA Finals but that seems awfully convenient considering ABC is currently living in an episode of Law & Order: SVU after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced during filming for season 4 of Bachelor in Paradise. Which is shocking and sad for a multitude of reasons but mostly because BiP might be cancelled and so might my will to live. We may need to start getting used to the fact that our favorite pastime of judging beautiful singles getting fucked up on a Mexican beach in pursuit of lasting love Instagram endorsements might be over for good. What a cruel, cruel world we live in. Lucky for all of you, I watch an insane amount of television that features garbage humans looking for love five shots deep. And, like, same. It’s comforting to know that there are others out there like me who can find someone to Snapchat after 2am love in a hopeless place. Though after reading that statement, it’s clear maybe I need to reevaluate some of my priorities. Lol, as if. Anyways, here are six TV shows to binge in case BiP gets cancelled forever:
1. ‘Are You The One?’
This show is literally Bachelor in Paradise except with more STD outbreaks (I assume) and less people with functioning brain cells. There’s also some sort of “challenge” component that usually involves simple math or basic knowledge about the person you’ve been
banging in the communal shower connecting with the last six weeks and these people fail every fucking time. Instead of a beautiful Mexican oasis as the setting, picture a beach that people with parole stipulations can visit and a budget that allows for 20 strangers to bunk in a single room with 20 mattresses on the floor. I say this like I don’t follow every single one of these losers on Instagram and frequently reference them in my articles because I absolutely do. This show is the cream of the MTV crop and there’s a spin-off in case you want to see some of your favorite degenerates return to a foreign country (Australia) and attempt to speak the language of the natives (English) for enough money to fund their lives until they need to take up stripping again (hi, @mtvmike).
MTV Producers: Describe your “perfect match.”
If you’re looking for a reality dating show that’s less desperate and
ratchet a bit more wholesome, then Coupled is def for you. Picture all the best aspects of BiP but with female contestants that are of the legal drinking age and have careers that aren’t “professional twin.” Basically a house full of single women live their best lives in Anguilla while hot, successful men are literally flown in daily for them to flirt with.The men choose two girls to go on a date with and then pick a final girl to go to get “coupled” with and go to the couple’s suite to do nauseatingly cute vacation activities together. Ugh. Even though at times it seem like the men have more power, the show still feels super feminist because the women aren’t catty bitches and are v supportive of each other and seem genuinely happy when their friends find love. Tbh I’m self-aware enough to know that I would def be one of the girls who gets too turnt on the island and naps through the hot, successful men making their entrance. It’s important to know yourself.
This is the scripted version of The Bachelor and it’s too fucking real. The show follows Rachel, a producer, as she manipulates tf out of everyone around her for ratings and her own personal career advancement. It’s everything you’ve ever wanted to know about what goes on behind the scenes of The Bachelor franchise, like if Chad really shat himself on national television or if his producer roofied him. You know, that kind of thing. That being said, this show can be dark AF. Think suicide, ruined careers, DUIs, racism…hmm, this is sounding more and more like the actual Bachelor. At least the real Bachelor producers can say they’ve never driven anyone to suicide (yet). I hope that helps them sleep at night.
4. ’90 Day Fiancé’
First of all, this show is brought to you by TLC, aka the network responsible for giving America’s circus freaks shows of their very own, so you know it’s lit AF. The show follows a handful of people who met their significant other abroad and/or on a mail-order bride website. It’s either/or. They then get 90 days to see if they can make it work in America and file for a marriage license with a literal stranger they met during Birthright (that’s an actual episode, btw). Similar to how you’re always questioning if people on The Bachelor are “there for the right reasons” on 90 Day Fiancé it’s more like you’re questioning if they’re “there for a green card.” It’s really television at its finest.
5. ‘Dating Naked’
Picture the creepiest first date you’ve ever been on, but now picture that both of you are completely naked and instead of trying to avert your gaze from the weird mole on his face you’re trying to avert your gaze from his hairy ball sack. And that’s the pilot episode for Dating Naked. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching two mediocre people strip down to nothing and go on a blind date in a tropical locale. Seriously, nothing. One would think that only desperate psychopaths would go on a show like this, but surprisingly the contestants are usually chill AF. The only downside is the contestants get some fucking weirdos to go on dates with. And if you think the dates are relatively tame activities like sunset drinks by the ocean because the contestants are already nude, THINK AGAIN. It’s usually some sort of naked sport or paint a canvas with your bodies type activity that is equal parts disgusting and fascinating because if not for the censors this would be soft porn.
(Writer’s Note: I tried to google GIFs for this show and I’m pretty sure that search landed me on IT’s perv list. My investigative journalism skills know no bounds.)
6. ‘You’re The Worst’
You’re The Worst is actually a scripted dramedy on FX and not just something my mother tells me on a daily basis. This show has a Bachelor feel to it (think beautiful people dating in a beautiful city), but the characters are actually honest about WTF they want out of life i.e., getting blackout 3-5 days a week and living their lives as selfishly as possible. The show follows two people who are dead inside, Gretchen and Jimmy, as they try and date each other without catching feelings. And like, same though. It’s honest AF and there’s no bullshit cliché ending. If you’re looking for something that’s v funny to distract you from the fact that you might never see Vinny and Alexis get black out and hook up in a pool, then this show is going to be your go-to for sure.