Winter is coming, as Game of Thrones likes to remind us, and with it, shitty winter skin. Honestly where the fuck did these images of creamy white, rosy-cheeked, happy winter people come from? Take a pic of my dry-ass, flaky, and tired skin for a real glimpse of the coldest, shittiest season and the horror that comes with it. Lucky for you, we scoured the internet and, more importantly, scoured hilarious Amazon reviews (we may have got caught reading those Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bear reviews again and died laughing) and found the best fucking face masks for any kind of skin, ever.
Buy all of these for your skin care arsenal against a cruel god that sends us flaky zitty skin that refuses to be tamed.
1. Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay Deep Pore Cleansing
Ok, you can grab about a pound of this for under $10, so it’s definitely worth it budget-wise. This one comes to you in powder form, requiring your ability to mix it with apple cider vinegar or water. Once you slap it on your face, you’ll feel the “pulsating” effects. It helps a lot with acne, including the shitty under-the-skin kind. If you’re dirty and need a detox, get a tub of this shit and go to town.
2. Pure Body Naturals Dead Sea Mud Mask
Ahhhh, a good old-fashioned mud mask. This mask, too, helps immensely with your zit face and can even have a calming and chilling out effect on the spots where you picked your pimples when we told you not to. It’ll also bring down any swelling or redness around said zits. Just moisturize super well after this one and don’t tell us how it compares to the real Dead Sea mud you put on your face during Birthright. Nobody cares, Sarah.
3. Alba Botanical Hawaiian Pore-fecting Papaya Enzyme Mask
Wanna small like fruit without eating because we’re on a cleanse? Try this mask, infused with some tropical shit. It shrinks the size of your zits and helps even out your skin tone, so going without makeup is totally doable although still probs unrealistic yay!
4. SK-II Facial Treatment Mask
Cate Blanchett uses this shit, and her skin is fucking luminous, fam. It leaves skin brighter and refreshed as fuck, thanks to some signature shit that we don’t understand but also won’t question. It moisturizes, it firms, and you need it right meow. OH but it’s like $85 for five masks soooooo keep that shit in mind.
5. Formula Ten O Six Deep Down Detox Facial Masks
Want to rub something on your face that feels like a giant vacuum sucking the shit out of your pores?! Grab a tube of this and get to work. If you like things that burn (obv it’s working), you’ll love this shit. It’s super good for oily or combo skin—just be sure to pat on that moisturizer afterwards.
6. Majestic Pure Cosmeceuticals 24K Gold Facial Mask
Do you want to feel like a pretentious asshole while sitting in your house waiting for a face mask to dry? You’re in luck! The 24K Gold Facial Mask is actually really great for reducing wrinkles, helping firm your skin, and chilling your acne out. Plus, it’s gold, which immediately makes us feel extra and, therefore, awesome.