As a betch, it’s required that you have knowledge of what’s popular in the world. In contrast, a betch is also expected to question authority if she sees fit. I didn’t even read the book in high school, but I know that this is the whole meaning of a catch 22.
That being said, there are a lot of things in this world that are popular and I don’t fucking understand why. Just because Cosmo said it was cool in their March issue and Cameron Diaz wore it once, does not make it a thing. Beyond that, just because Cameron Diaz wore it DOESN’T mean you can. If people just wore everything a celebrity did, we would all look like fucking crazy people.
If you have the same thoughts that I do, please view my list. If not, you can walk home bitches.
1. Nail Art
Every time I see an adult woman with fucking nail art, I am instantly reminded of 4th grade when everyone would change their braces colors to match the upcoming holidays. Omg, it’s almost Halloween, time to change my rubber bands nails to orange and black! Why in the flying fuck is nail art still a thing? Your polka dotted nails are really not that great, and you instagramming them just makes me think you are thirteen years old. Someone once told me “Rihanna does it!” Yeah, well I think we can all pretty much say that Rihanna isn’t exactly the fucking queen of good decisions. And last I checked, you’re not an edgy songstress from Barbados, you’re a 23 year old from Milwaukee.
2. Fake Prescription Glasses
For a while celebrities were wearing these, and then they stopped because they were like, wait this is fucking stupid. Unfortunately, other people didn’t get the memo. Cute “prescription” glasses, where did you get them? Claires? Or did you just pop out the lenses of the 3D glasses you get at movie theaters? I’m assuming the logic behind these is that they make you look smarter, but when people find out they are fake, it kind of has the opposite effect. If you’re wearing fake glasses, gtfo of my life, STAT.
3. Super Thick Eyebrows
Congratulations, you have eyes and have seen Cara Delevingne’s eyebrows. That doesn’t mean you should grow fucking caterpillars on your face. Cara Delevingne’s eyebrows are worth actual money and sculpted probs by the descendant of Michelangelo. Yours are sculpted by the lady at Benefit. Know your place.
4. Mustache things
Okay, I don’t know how this started. I assume that it came from the “Movember” campaign. If you don’t know what that is, during the month of November, men shave completely then grow out a mustache throughout the month to raise awareness for men’s health. As a betch, I love philanthrophy events, but it’s specifically a) for guys and b) FOR THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER. So why is it July and I see effing mustache jewelry, shirts, shoes, EVERYTHING, everywhere? I’m confused. More importantly, I feel like no one actually is correlating it to the Movember campaign, which is even weirder. Like what’s the point? Why do you have this intense love for a goddam squiggly line? I’ve heard of penis envy, but mustache envy is getting real fucking old.
5. Butt Sagging Pants
Did you just take a shit in your pants in Barnes and Noble? I’m sorry for laughing and telling everyone about it.