Friends, we have officially almost made it to 2020. Taylor Swift’s self-titled debut album came out 13 years ago. Justin Bieber is married. Eminem’s daughter Hailie graduated from college in 2018 and has almost 2 million followers on Instagram. We. are. old. And it’s days like today, as I furiously Google where I can get discount botox, that I get nostalgic for my youth. It was a simpler time, a time when I could paper my walls with the cover of Tiger Beat and dream of making out with Shane West and being as cool as Lindsay Lohan. And this nostalgia got me thinking, what ever happened to my favorite stars of the 2000s? I mean, we know what happened to people like Lindsay Lohan (attempting to run a beach club, hanging out with a shady prince), and Amanda Bynes (mental breakdown, design school, another mental breakdown). But what happened to the ones that went on to have normal jobs? Let’s find out!
1. Dylan Sprouse
Dylan Sprouse is, of course, the identical twin brother of Jughead Jones, and one half of the iconic duo that relentlessly demanded Adam Sandler play them the Kangaroo song. He also lived the suite life of Zack and Cody, but apparently was not saddled with Ross Gellar as his fictional father (that was only Cole). Small mercies. Cole continues to act steadily on the CW’s most bonkers show, Riverdale, but Dylan has decided to take a different path in his life. And I don’t just mean professionally trolling his brother on Instagram. Dylan co-founded the All-Wise Meadery, New York’s first full production meadery located in Brooklyn, because of course. Sooooo that’s just a bar, right? Will I be murdered on-site by a man with a handlebar mustache the moment I enter Williamsburg for writing that?
The All-Wise Meadery website tells me that mead is also known as “honey wine” and is the oldest alcoholic drink known to man. Huh. I thought that was Bud Light. It also goes on to explain that, “It was upon graduation in 2015 that Sprouse realized his true passion for brewing, having spent the better part of his college career experimenting with different mead formulations and perfecting his recipes in the confines of the dorm rooms.” OKAY. Just because you mixed Kool-Aid with vodka in a garbage can for a house party and called it Jungle Juice does not make you a mead-ologist, Dylan. Needless to say, I am entirely skeptical of this mead, would never spend a dime on it, and will absolutely be going next weekend. Who’s with me?! Great, you can pay.
2. Jonathan Bennett
Aaron Samuels may look sexy with his hair pushed back, but have you seen how sexy he looks dripping in sweat and wearing bike shorts? Yeah me either, but for a while back in 2013-14 you could have if you attended a Flywheel class in LA. According to Huffpo, Jonathan strove to “bring out the best” in all his riders. How sweet! I’ve only ever been verbally abused to the point of tears by spin instructors, which is apparently NOT enough to file a police report, according to the detective who threatened to sue me for wasting his time. Can you move to New York, please, Jonathan? I took 911 off my speed dial, I promise!
It looks like Jonathan no longer teaches spin (nice spin instructors finish last and all that, I’m sure) and is back to getting paid to act. I know this because I have seen him in multiple Hallmark Channel movies I have saved on my DVR. You go, Glen Coco!
3. Erik von Detten
If I was forced to pick a childhood crush that was not Devon Sawa, it would have to be Erik von Detten. I mean, could you get any sexier than Brink?! (Other than Casper or Junior Floyd or Scott Wormer, obviously). Erik was the epitome of a hot California guy, right up to his douchey turn in The Princess Diaries. It was all *chef’s kiss* perfect.
What has happened to this golden boy who shined so bright, you ask? Well, I have some very bad, terrible, horrible, no good news. He is happily married and just had a baby girl this past May. His wife and daughter are incredibly cute and adorably coordinated for Halloween and obviously I hate them. Oh, and I forgot this was supposed to be a job update article and not me lamenting over my lost loves. So, here it is. Erik works in sales now. HAPPY?!
4. Nikki Blonsky
We all know Nikki as the star of Hairspray, the movie where she danced her way into our hearts, and more importantly, Zac Efron’s heart. Zac Efron’s beautifully coiffed, seductive, perfectly chiseled heart. Where was I? Oh yes, after Hairspray, Nikki found a few more roles, but nothing quite at the level that Hairspray was. She revealed in 2017 a profile with OUT that she would never consciously take a step away from the industry, but, that doesn’t mean she hasn’t pursued other things. For a while, she went back home to Long Island and worked in a hair salon while waiting for her next acting job to come around. Gotta get that bread (are the kids still saying that these days?). Even people who had John Travolta in drag play their mother in a major motion picture have bills to pay. Nikki still has some small roles to this day, and continues to pay tribute to her iconic character. She’s also randomly become iconic f0r her Cameo videos, because 2019.
5. Teddy Dunn
This update is basically for me and It’s Britney, Betch, which is totally fine, because as we always tell each other after 1.5 bottles of wine, we’re the only ones who matter anyway. Teddy Dunn played Duncan Kane on two seasons of Veronica Mars, and I guess was scarred by the fact that he was a part of the greatest incest plot twist of all time (take that, Riverdale!), because he barely acted after leaving the show. I think he made a guest appearance on Gilmore Girls as the son of one of Emily’s rich friends, but we’re too deep in this very long article for me to attempt to confirm the accuracy of anything my brain is telling my fingers to type. Recently, Teddy gave an interview to TV Guide, saying he didn’t realize that the acting business was going to be quite a “business,” and left to pursue a law degree at Boston College. He now works as a law associate at a firm in New York. Who knew the donut had it in him! BRB while I find his company, charm my way past security, and convince him to go to Dylan Sprouse’s meadery with me.
And those are just a few of my favorite 2000s stars that have normal jobs now! Welcome to the real world, celebrities, you’re gonna hate it.
Images: allwisemeadery, angelavondetten, nikkiblonsky/Instagram; jonathanbennett/Twitter