What’s up, the three friends I harass into reading my articles fans. Sgt. Olivia Betchson here. I’ve recently taken the plunge back into online dating, or as I like to call it, waiting to see how long before the man I’m talking to inevitably disappoints me. I know, I’m so upbeat it’s a wonder I’m still single. Anyway, I like to consider myself somewhat of an expert at online dating—not because I’ve found a lasting relationship off a dating app (if I had, I wouldn’t be here), but because I’m very good at judging people and I’m also very arrogant. I like to think I’m extremely good at spotting fuckboys based off their dating profile, before I even swipe right and have to fend off a dick pic. It’s a gift, really. So because I’m like, such a good friend, I’m going to impart this wisdom on you. If you see these common fuckboy dating profile lines, swipe left. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. I promise, only dick pics and heartbreak will await you if you don’t heed my warnings.
1. “Good Vibes Only”
Translation: I want a doormat.
Straight men, feel free to jump in and disagree with me here, but I see “good vibes only” on a LOT of profiles, and not in a “we’re at a music festival” kind of way. Since I’m not swiping through at Bonnaroo, I can only take “good vibes” to mean that this guy wants a woman who’s always “positive.” But I don’t mean it in the way regular people say it, I mean it in the way my ex-boyfriend used to say it, i.e., any time you try to (rightfully) call the guy out on his bullshit (like, for instance, actively trying to pursue your friend while still very much being in a relationship with you, or again, totally made-up example here, saying you “used to be a fatty”), gets met with an, “I don’t know why you’re being so negative all the time, you’re just taking everything the wrong way.” The “good vibes only” guy can do no wrong in his eyes. He could literally cheat on you and it would be your fault for “harshing his vibe” or “being a downer.” Remember, you agreed to only put out positive vibes, and this douche will hold you to that like you signed a legally binding contract. Also, it goes without saying that this guy will never truly commit. Do not put yourself through this. Swipe left.
2. No Bio
Translation: I’m hot, you know it, and I know you know it.
Fuck this guy. He’s probably super hot, which is the only feasible excuse for why you would not have to rely on your personality AT ALL. But he’s also probably full of himself if he thinks he’s so great that he doesn’t even need to TRY to convince you to swipe right. Especially guys who do this shit on Bumble—like, I have to message you first. Give me something to work with here.
3. “Adventurer/Travel Enthusiast/My Goal Is To Visit 30 Countries In The Next 2 Months”
Translation: *Insert lyrics for “Tie Me Down” by New Boyz feat. Ray J*
Any guy who’s this into traveling is just not going to be in one place for any substantial amount of time, so good fucking luck trying to nail him down with a date. First it’s “I’ll be in Thailand this weekend for the next two weeks, so when I get back we’ll hang out.” Then you might be able to get one date in before he jets off to Ibiza. And then you have a good second date, only to have to wait nearly a month before the third date because of his constant travels. At best, he’ll fit you in for one-hour coffee dates in between trips to the airport, and who wants that? I’m not a granola bar; you can’t squeeze me in between meals on your way to do other shit. Also, is this guy a drug lord? Who has that kind of money? What’s his company’s PTO policy? Are they hiring?
4. Just An Instagram Handle
Does this guy actually want to meet people or is he only on here for the followers? Spoiler alert: It’s the latter. If you have under 2,000 followers on Instagram he’ll probably unmatch you, and if you do go out with him, prepare to spend the majority of the time watching him taking pictures of his food and then taking pictures of him with said food. And he won’t even tag you in the photos you took. Bastard.
5. “GOOD HYGIENE ONLY PLEASE GO SEE THE GYNO”
Translation: I have never smelled a vagina before.
Y’all think I’m making this shit up, but I literally saw this in my Tinder queue yesterday. LITERALLY YESTERDAY. I understand if you don’t believe me, but this was literally real.
^I cropped out his photo entirely because I felt bad. I’m such a bleeding heart liberal.
Fucking Chad. Of course his name is Chad. Anyway, this is all kinds of fuckboyish nonsense. First of all, CHAD, you are not a doctor. Don’t be out here on Tinder trying to dispense medical advice without a valid degree. How can you tell through a smartphone app what’s a normal vaginal odor and what’s not? Second of all, fuck guys who say this (not literally—keep your pussy very far away from them). The types of guys who complain about vaginas not smelling like roses are the types of guys who invent shit like My Sweet V or that bullshit Sweet Peach startup a few years back that literally tried to make women’s vaginas smell like peaches. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that douching can cause infections that will cause bad odor IN THE FIRST PLACE. Vaginas are not supposed to smell like roses or peaches; get used to it. Dicks don’t exactly smell like a picnic, either.
Which brings me to my next point. You KNOW the same guys who complain about women’s vaginal odor rarely wash their dick. Just trust me on this; sadly I know it too well through my own market research. Do you think Chad shaves his ball hair, or even trims it? Do you think he really scrubs his shaft and in between his testes? NO. Chad probably will force your head down towards his lap after his workout and then refuse to go down on you because you have 1/4mm of pubic hair. I know your shit smells like sweaty gym socks; do not come at me and try to tell me about my pussy. If you’re really that concerned for my hygiene you should send me a gently worded text, not sub-Tinder-bio your future victims.
I obviously recommended Chad to all my friends.