Don’t take it personally, but if you’re a bride, you’re going to make some mistakes, mistakes that every bride before you has made, and every bride after you will make. It’s pretty much inevitable. I know you think you’re prepared to execute a flawless day—after all, you’ve seen your married friends falter and crash when planning their own weddings, and those years of watching on the sidelines MUST have taught you a thing or two, right? But sadly, no, the reigns of chaotic imperfection have been passed down from bride to bride, and you’re up. Tell your inner control freak to chill tf out, because there are some things you can’t plan for that will go wrong. These are the five things you are most certainly going to f*ck up:
1. Regret-Inviting People
You have waited five long, trying years, and finally the day has come. You have a piece of BLING on your finger (thank god it’s bigger than the modest one you tried on at Diamonds Direct back when you were trying to be polite and acting like size didn’t matter). You’ve obviously made the most public announcement possible, consisting of pretty much every type of over-the-top display short of a billboard (rates ended up being pricier than you had expected). It’s the day after the engagement and you stride into Starbucks, suddenly becoming left-handed as you give the barista your credit card with your ring hand stretched out, boasting your new rock until he *finally* makes a comment that your ring is beautiful. Your third grade teacher strolls in and immediately congratulates you on the big news, having seen it on Facebook. You automatically respond with, “thank you!! We can’t wait to celebrate with you!” Then, you freeze, realizing your mistake. Welp, too late now… Mrs. Sullivan is on the invite list.
Might fuck around and only invite half of my coworkers to my wedding just to start some drama
— betchesbrides (@betchesbrides) October 29, 2019
A week goes by, you’ve started narrowing down on the venue, and you’re out with your extended group of friends. The wet noodle of the group (let’s just call her Beth, because it really is always a Beth), starts talking about how excited she is for you, and suddenly your distaste for this clingy friend has gone out the window as you hear yourself say “omg thank you SO much; we are so excited to celebrate with you”, and you’ve done it again. Before you know it, your modest guest count has gone out the window, and you may now need a new venue. Not to mention, your mom has taken a similar detour and excitedly extended the invite to her entire Arbonne downline, mailman, and hairstylist’s family of four.
It’s tempting, but please, for the love of god, do not get overly excited! These regret invites are always the people who have no other plans on weekends and are 100% showing up to the wedding. At this point, you have two options: you either need to cut out actual friends/family, or pretend you forgot the wet blanket moved addresses 10 years ago and you accidentally sent their invite to the wrong place. (Warning: they will likely call to inform you they never received the invite but found your wedding website anyway so please don’t worry, they have all the details). F*cking perfect.
2. Trusting Pinterest
You're making him a playlist, I'm 30000 pins deep into our wedding pinterest board, we are NOT the same
— holly jolly molly (@molly_moo_who) December 8, 2019
Pinterest is great, up until the moment you become a bride. You’ve spent the past five (ok, 10) years pinning your dream chuppah, reception decor, and probably even your dream groom (*cough* Tim Riggins). So when your S.O. finally takes the knee and proposes, you. feel. ready. What is this “wedding stress” people speak of? You find a top-of-the-line wedding planner and begin describing your vision, proudly referencing your extensive Pinterest page. She smiles politely and asks your budget with an expression that instantly reminds you of your smug college counselor’s smile when you informed her that Northwestern was on your list and your GPA was a 3.2. Suddenly, it dawns on you that maybe these monogrammed ice sculptures and imported Brazilian fig trees could be outside the budget? WTF Pinterest…this online catalogue of inspiration has instantly shattered your dreams, and you dramatically wonder if you even WANT to get married anymore because this is now going to be the most fugly wedding ever. (You do, take a deep breath and start researching ways to cut wedding costs.)
3. Going On A Bridal Diet
It’s six months before the big day, and your bridal diet is in full effect. You painfully forgo your nightly glass of cabernet, roll your eyes in disgust when the Panera guy asks if you’d like your soup in a bread bowl (you would like that, but wouldn’t dare), and look at dairy as if it’s your ex who cheated on you four years ago. You’re better without him (it), he (it) is bad for you…you’ve got this. You’re starting to see your abs take form, and decide this diet is totally worth the hangry comments you now make at your fiancé each night. I’m just gonna say it: hell hath no fury like a girl prepping for her wedding.
yes, i am on a diet for the wedding. a diet of stress eating an entire pizza.
— maddie (@madelinemartel) December 3, 2019
So it’s the day of your wedding and you’ve successfully gone 180 days without carbs (is butter a carb?), dairy, or sugar. You’re hotter than you were in high school when you could eat carbs, dairy, and sugar and didn’t even appreciate it at the time. Smh. You’re sitting at the head table, and your planner brings over a plate of food (because she thought you’d forget to eat?? Cindy, I’ve just gone months without bread; eating is pretty much the objective of tonight, besides the whole getting married thing), so you devour mouthfuls of buttery steak and creamy mashed potatoes in between greetings from annoying guests who don’t seem to get the hint that you’re taking an indefinite break from schmoozing.
About an hour later, you’re on the dance floor really in your element when you feel… it. This is about to become a Bridesmaids moment up in here, and the bathroom could not be further away. You grab a drunk friend and demand that she guard the door so you can get this effing dairy out of you in peace.
Moral of the story: Do not cut out a food group entirely. Or, do it a few months before the wedding and then slowly introduce bits back a few weeks leading up to the big day. Otherwise, it WILL be World War II in that bathroom stall mid-reception.
4. Trusting The Fiancé To Help Plan
Planning a wedding is a great way to realize everyone you love is insane.
— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) November 26, 2019
You’re young, naive, and still think the planning is a joint effort. How cute. WE are newly engaged, and it is OUR wedding! You ask, “babe, what do you think about this insanely gorgeous 5-star resort in Napa for the nuptials?” and he says he loves it, and so this whole wedding planning is going to be a total breeze with his help. Fast forward two months (prob more like two days), and suddenly his appeasing demeanor has changed and his good ideas have turned into f*cking disasters. He begins questioning your amazing style, and when asked if he thinks you should go with ivory/gold plates or white/silver plates, he has the audacity to ask “what’s the difference?” You take a breath and remember what your therapist told you in last week’s couples counseling session, and besides, you couldn’t get away with murder right now anyway (your fingerprints are everywhere). So you bite your tongue and from now on you give him easy, mindless tasks to keep him busy and feeling engaged. What’s something a 4-year-old couldn’t even mess up? Stuffing the save the date envelopes. You explain in an idiot-proof way that each card must make its way into the envelope, and he will then need to lick and seal it shut. Five hours later—an all-time slow record—he proudly announces he is done. You look at the envelopes and see none are stamped, and he replies with “oh, you didn’t tell me I had to stamp them,” so you get out the Clorox and begin ridding the house of DNA in preparation for his murder. Or… you could avoid starring on the next episode of Snapped and read our tips for getting your fiancé involved in wedding planning.
5. Thinking You Won’t Be A Bridezilla
When you realize all you’ve cared about for the past year is planning your wedding https://t.co/82tvz2T0Zf
— Nicole Pellegrino (@nicpellegrino) June 26, 2019
You’ve seen Say Yes To The Dress, and you refuse to be that psycho girl shouting demands and crying at minor setbacks. After all, it’s just a wedding! I’m not a regular bride, I’m a cool bride. You tell your bridesmaids they can wear whatever dress they want, as long as it’s navy! You assure your MIL it’s fiiiiine that she bought a dress that’s off-white; how cute that you’ll now be matching! And when your wedding planner tells you the venue only offers one type of white wine—pinot grigio, your least favorite—you tell her it’s no biggie. Then the day comes, and you see the monstrosity you’ve created: one bridesmaid is in a piece of cloth barely the size of those bandanas you used to wear as a tank top in middle school…and doesn’t understand why her plunging v neckline is an issue, since she’s in navy? You try not to burst into tears as your mother-in-law walks into the bridal suite pretty much in a wedding dress, and definitely looking way better than you. And just when you start to calm down at the thought of being able to get a cold glass of sauv blanc so so soon….you lose your sh*t BECAUSE I AM NOT RAMONA SINGER AND NOBODY HERE LIKES F*CKING PINOT GRIGIO. Moral of the story: be the bridezilla you know you’re meant to be, and save the theatrics. Tell them what you really want, because it is your day.
So What Now?
At this point, you’ve read these warnings and are thinking one of three things:
1. ” None of these apply to me.” To this, I feel obligated to inform you that you are, without a doubt, going to be THAT bride. Best of luck to you and your poor bridal crew, who will be left cleaning up the messes you’re bound to make (and I’m not just talking about inside that bathroom stall).
2. “I’ve already fallen victim to most of the warnings.” Again, let me remind you that you are not alone—every bride f*cks these things up. Maybe it’s too late to disinvite your second cousin’s math tutor, but there’s still time to introduce carbs back into the fridge! It’s not too late…save yourself!
3. “Oh my gosh, these are awesome! Thanks!” If you fall into this bucket, I am fairly certain you’re single, bitter, and not even planning a wedding right now. But dream on; continue reading all of the planning books, screenshotting tips, and convincing yourself you’ll somehow be the first ever bride that gets it all right. How cute.
Images: Frans Hulet / Unsplash; betchesbrides, molly_moo_who, madelinemartel, megangailey, nicpellegrino / Twitter