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Image Credit: Sony Pictures

5 Blow Job Positions That Will Make Going Down On Him More Enjoyable For You

I’ll be the first to admit that the thought of giving a blow job used to feel like a fucking chore. It’s the item that’s consistently at the bottom of our sexual to-do lists, forever passed over in favor of literally every single other type of foreplay in human existence. And it’s no wonder — after all, it’s not often we’re exposed to actually comfortable blow job positions that prioritize our patellas. Instead, everything we’ve ever learned about blow jobs have taught us that rug burns are a necessary part of a very uncomfortable process in which women are put to work, forced to feel absolutely zero enjoyment or satisfaction in service to their partner. Oof. And where has this lack of education lead all of us? Straight into a frustrating sexual stalemate that inevitably put one partner’s needs — comfort or pleasure, and never both — ahead of the other. I’ve seen this precise thing happen to all of my friends in their relationships. As an experiment, I polled all of my friends, and asked them how often they gave head. Based on what we’ve learned about BJs throughout our lives, it’s no surprise that this was literally their response across the board:

Mean Girls

On one hand, *insert slow golf clap here*. But I’m here to tell you how to enjoy blow jobs, because, when done right, a blowie isn’t all that fucking bad, promise. Here is our guide to blow job positions that you’ll actually enjoy.

1. The Lazy Sunday

It’s Sunday morning, so you’re prob hungover. And the last thing you care to think about is plowing your face into his junk before you can even press start on the Keurig. I get it. But while you’re lying there checking the likes on last night’s Instagram, his morning wood is begging to be sanded down, so here’s a proven fact: Surprising a guy with a morning BJ will lead to you getting your way the entire rest of the week. All you need to do is prop a pillow on his stomach and lay sideways while resting your head on it. His dick will literally be staring you in the face, so you barely even have to move. Win-win!

Tangled

2. The Sideways 69

No need to lie anymore — this is a safe place, so let it out, honey. Let’s put it in the book: 69 fucking blows, pun fucking intended. It’s impossible to even concentrate when you’re trying to dodge any and all contact with raw asshole, and holding yourself up constitutes like, a four-hour barre workout. The sideways 69, however, is a little less work and a lot less regret. Really all you need to do is lay on your sides in the opposite direction and go to town. He can even get crafty on your end and use a vibrator while you’re generously sampling the sausage. You know, like a, “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” kinda thing.

Superbad Back Cock

3. The Cinema Blow Job (Extra Butter)

Historically used in the movie theater (but, please, for the love of the price of a modern-day movie ticket, apply it to the bedroom instead), the guy literally just needs to be sitting down while you’re sitting next to him. The next and final step is unzipping his pants and bending over. This position doesn’t seem innovative, but, hey, comfort during blow jobs is innovation, ok??

What Like It's Hard

4. The Head Rush

This position is probably the most advanced, but I included it because it offers the most important thing: benefits. Like, think about it: Would you ever even consider taking a job in the real world that didn’t offer a 401k? Case closed. Start out by laying on your bed with your head slightly dangling off. Even though your mouth is fully occupied, it’s important to remember that you’re still in control of this ship (fucking duh). Use your hands to grab onto his thighs and guide him as you damn well please. From there, he has easy access to reach around and give your vagine some hard-earned company. It’s all really just the law of physics at this point, but if you failed that class, just keep going until he finishes or all the blood rushes to your head — basically whichever comes first.

Head Rush

5. The Face Plow

So I realize now that this position is probably the reason for so many peoples’ utter disgust in giving out blowies, but it’s called a blow “job,” not a blow “piece of cake.” So here’s the thing: one of the only times a betch lets a guy exert his dominance is in the bedroom. All you have to do is abide by the rules of gravity. Lay flat on the bed, let him straddle your face, and well… honestly, I know you’re not an idiot, so judging by the name of this position alone, need I go on?

Joey Tribbiani

Alex Conrad
Alex Conrad is an Orange County-based writer who prides herself in the art of pregaming and lives by the mantra, "If you can't tone it, tan it." When she's not scheming up how to get away with doing the bare minimum, she's probably attempting to justify her latest Target purchase to her husband. Follow her on Instagram @ayyycon_ for french bulldog spam but mostly just for validation.