It’s Monday and I’ve spent the past 48 hours finding new and fun ways to trigger myself in the future. First, by the entire Halloween holiday and then by ingesting some sort of vodka party punch that went down like gasoline and was definitely crafted somewhere in the pits of hell. To to top it off, I’m feeling personally victimized by my local bodega owner who said he “ran out of avocados” yesterday and it’s like, well then, how the fuck am I supposed to revive myself from creature status if I don’t even have avocados to add to my bacon, egg and cheese? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’VE BEEN THROUGH, HECTOR? Do you?! *takes deep, calming breaths* But what’s worse than actively fucking up your life and blaming it on innocent bystanders (sorry, Hector)? Finding out all your terrible life choices are totally destroying your skin and face, that’s what. I’ve done a lot of Google searches scientific research and learned that there are a ton of secret ways in which your skin is secretly being ruined. And because I’m a life ruiner caring individual who likes to help others and values her journalistic integrity, I’ve decided to list those for you right now. So here are four ways that you’re secretly fucking up your skin every damn day. Brace yourselves.
1. Using Dirty Makeup Brushes
This I saw coming, because I haven’t changed my makeup brushes in literal years. Seriously. I think the last time I washed one of those was when Lamar and Khloé were still married. Call it a fun quirk of mine or just that I love to play Russian roulette with my skin, either way I would rather ask my ex if he’s happy with his new girlfriend than actually practice self-care. Lol I’m so random sometimes. And apparently leaving your makeup brushes dirty AF can actually do a lot of fucking damage to your skin, like clog your pores or cause bacterial infections. Huh. Who would have thought. Every three or so weeks, make sure to lather your brushes with a shampoo like Neutrogena Anti-Residue Shampoo, rinse that shit, and then let air dry overnight. It’ll keep your brushes clean and your face even cleaner. I know it’s annoying AF to do, but it’s either take care of your makeup brushes or break out right before a Bumble date. In other words, it’s a real Sophie’s Choice.
2. Using Your Cell Phone
Honestly, this does not surprise me. I mean, my cell phone is actually an extension of my soul, in which case it’s gone through years of life choices that go something like: alcohol, pizza, sleep in your makeup, repeat. So, yeah, that shit’s dirty AF. It’s no wonder they say that your phone is actually dirtier than a bathroom floor. That makes a lot of sense, because that’s usually where I end up by the end of the night. Huh. Anyway, your phone has all sorts of bacteria on it that can make you break out if you use it too much to drunk dial your ex. Or something. Even if you’re phone isn’t dirty, just leaning your face on it causes friction, occlusion, and heat, all of which will give you shitty skin and cause breakouts. I’d advise you to get tf off your phone and actually live your life, but I know that some of you would rather walk into oncoming traffic, so I’ll just settle for telling you to embrace your bad skin. In the wise words of Kevin G, don’t let the haters stop you from doing thang, even if your “thang” is ruining your skin one drunk dial at a time. Or just like, take a Clorox wipe to that shit every so often.
3. Literally Just Being Out In The Air
And, no, that’s not a fucking joke. This is the world we live in, people, where things like AIR are even out to get us. Honestly, I’m feeling so attacked rn. And if you currently live in a big city, then you’re extra fucked, because the air around there is filled with gross shit called “nanoparticles” that are made from remnants of soot and smoke. The nanoparticles are also 20 times smaller than your pores so they can easily invade your skin and cause inflammation and dehydration. Grool. Aside from literally never leaving your house (again, so down for that), the best thing to do here is work on your cleansing game. Cleansing the fuck out of your skin is the only way to successfully combat those nasty nanoparticles. Try doubling up on cleansing each night by using two different formulas, one that is oil-based, like Simple Hydrating Cleansing Oil, and another that’s water-based, like CeraVe Hydrating Cleanser.
4. Drinking Alcohol
Tbh it would be easier to just give up fresh air. The fact that I’m writing this severely hungover but also feeling a strong need to chug hard alcohol with each new Google search should tell you something about me and my lifestyle. I mean, I always felt like alcohol was aging me emotionally—there are only so many ways you can recover from making out with someone who wears a smaller size in skinny jeans than you do—but now that I know it’s physically aging me, I may have to reconsider my entire way of life.
As anyone who has ever woken up drunk in the middle of the night thirstier than SpongeBob on land probably knows, alcohol makes it virtually impossible for you to stay hydrated. That’s because alcohol fucks with the production of vasopressin, aka the hormone that helps you re-absorb water and keeps your skin from looking dehydrated AF. Dehydrated skin looks like shit and can cause premature wrinkles, because no one wants us to have nice things. Aside from dehydrating your face, alcohol also acts as a vasodilator, meaning it opens up the blood vessels—which is why you look flushed in your Snap story before you add in a decent filter. If your vessels over-dilate, they can burst, leading to permanent spider veins on your face. Permanent. Spider. Veins. Fucking kill me now. The dilation is also what leads to a puffy complexion. Great. My future is looking v. bright. *Looks for gun emoji* And since I would never, ever, give out advice that would encourage a healthy lifestyle in any way, shape, or form, I’m not suggesting you stop drinking. I’m no monster. No, choose vodka over dark liquor and red wine over everything else. It’s also suggested that you drink moderately all the time, as it’s easier for your liver to metabolize small amounts of alcohol. Brb. Now I have to Google what “moderate drinking” looks like.
So now that we know all the secret ways we’re being personally victimized by the world around us, I’m sure we’ll all start taking better care of our skin and lives, right?? Lol, yeah, that’s what I thought. Godspeed to ya, betches.
