The New York Times came out with an article claiming that any two people in the world can fall in love by answering 37 questions together and then staring into one another’s eyes for four minutes straight. Sounds romantic right? Wrong. In fact, super fucking wrong. Beyond how incredibly uncomfortable staring directly into someone’s eyes for four minutes straight—which is, for all intents and purposes, serial killer shit—the questions asked in the article were irrelevant and dumb as fuck.
“If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?”
Who the fuck would care that much about something that could never actually happen?! “Not I,” said the blacked out fly.
Here’s a series of 36 questions you actually should ask someone if you want to fall in love with them or, like, to know if they’re worth the bangover bagel:
1. Have you now or ever enjoyed Pitbull’s music? Blackouts included.
2. Can you quote at least 5 lines from season 1 of”The OC”?
3. Do you include noses in your smiley faces over text? (If you said yes, then you can just turn back now.)
4. Where is the most obscure place you’ve vomited?
5. In 1 word tell me if you’re still in love with your ex.
6. Have you ever downloaded J-Swipe despite not being Jewish?
7. Did your parents get hotter with age (like Brad Pitt) or more decaying and female (like Bruce Jenner).
8. Will you, at any point, make me go to your friend’s shitty improv show or “art opening”?
9. Have you ever admittedly searched for and watched a celebrity sex tape by yourself or in a non-ironic manner?
10. Who would you rather do shrooms with, Willow or Jaden?
11. Where do you see yourself at 2 am?
12. Have you ever messaged people “Wanna fuck?” on Tinder?
13. If we were dating would any person of your family spam me with Farmville invites?
14. Have you had your Facebook profile picture be of a car?
15. How often do you *pretend* to read the news?
16. What Taylor Swift song is secretly your favorite?
17. Has Glee ever been on your Netflix queue?
18. Would you share your Netflix password?
19. Does “Frisbee golf” sound like an even remotely fun date?
20. Marry, fuck, kill: Ross, Chandler, Joey.
21. How many texts in a row do you consider clingy?
22. Give a brief description of who your best friends are on Snapchat.
23. Do you use the phrase “SMH” in a non-ironic way?
24. Are you accepting of Jamie Dornan as Christian Grey in the “50 Shades of Grey” movie?
25. Do you have an iPhone? (For real, having to look at green messages all fucking day is a deal breaker 5sure.)
26. Will you promise to like every one of my Instagram posts? And compliment me on how skinny my arm looks? (Not in the comment section of course though.)
27. Do you subtweet? Lyrics count.
28. How often, if ever, have you liked an ex-girlfriend’s selfie?
29. Do you have Tinder on the 3rd page of your app folder titled utilities? (Doesn’t matter if you do, I’ll find it.)
30. What’s your opinion on the global “leggings as pants” debate?
31. Do you alternate who has to get up to the couch to click “Continue watching” on Netflix?
32. What is your drunk food of choice?
33. If your past girlfriends were to endorse you for something sexually, what would they endorse you for?
34. Wait, why are you still talking to your ex-girlfriends?!
35. Who are more annoying vegans or cross fit people?
36. Name 3 reasons why Anne Hathaway is the living worst.
37. Lighting round: what is Chandler Bing’s job?