When E! ever so kindly reminded us that Oscar Sunday was approaching with a catchy and not at all overplayed remix/jingle, we went into a minimal fit of excitement before getting distracted by Giuliana's enlarged Antz head. The Oscars are the elitist version of like, any award show and that's exactly why we love them, and we frankly don't give a shit about sports.
And while we're really excited to watch Billy Crystal host, we're also saddened that we won't get to make any Anne Hathaway jokes in our Oscar recap. No matter, we will probably make them anyway. That said, let's get into our predictions, because where better to get predictions from than people with no experience at all?
Best Picture: The ArtistBecause you can't possibly make a silent movie without getting some pity votes from The Academy. We're not going to lie, we saw this movie. It was a weird day for us, but Jean Dujardin was so old man hot we were into it, and the bitch was mad skinz.
Best Actor: Jean Dujardin (The Artist)It's debatable how much he deserves to win this but we think he will. Which is a serious accomplishment considering he'll beat both Brad Pitt and George Clooney playing a role with no words. That's when you know you could easily fuck any betch in the Academy. However we shadily wish this were going to Gary Oldman for Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. There's something to be said for someone who can stay awake during an incredibly boring movie, let alone be the main role. Kudos G.
Best Actress: Viola Davis (The Help)Everyone loves an underdog in a touching role that makes a profound social statement (see Precious). Also, we love this movie because it makes us miss our nannies (If you weren't crying when the little girl was taken away from Viola you're probably poor and never had a nanny). However we're so over watching Meryl show up in her half ass grandma pants suits because she knows she's going to lose.
Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer (Beginners)When a straight guy (at least we think he's straight) acts as a gay character, he gets an Oscar. There's some formula out there, and we've cracked it. Also, he's old as fook.
Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer (The Help)Though we personally believe that there should only be one heartfelt minority win per Oscar movie, we know this one will go to Octavia because it just will.
Animated Feature Film: Don't give a shit!
Cinematography: The Tree of LifeNo one actually saw this movie despite the fact that Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, and Jessica Chastain were casually the main roles. However we heard (from Chelsea's new addition 'Keeping up with the Keneshians') that there were arbitrary scenes of nature and waterfalls interspersed within the film, for no fucking reason. And for this reason, it'll win.
Best Writing (Adapted Screenplay): Moneyball (Aaron Sorkin and some other bros)It's not winning best picture, and Brad's not winning best actor, so let's give it best writing. We're also abnormally huge Aaron Sorkin enthusiasts, and we would DIE if he gets up there to make another coked out speech. Maybe we'll get to hear his teeth grinding in the microphone this year.
Best Writing (Original Screenplay): Bridesmaids (Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig)If Bridesmaids weren't in the running, we'd pick Midnight in Paris to win this category solely because, after dragging Woody Allen out of his recluse cave for this Oscar circus, it's only fair that he at least win something. But we just can't, Kristen's our girl. I had a dream last night that the plane went down. It was terrible, you were in it.
Director: Martin Scorsese (Hugo)Because they gave him one for The Departed and people were all like, oh that's a pity vote. Now let's give him one for a non-mafia film, because he's just like so good at those! Seriously though, no one fucks with brows like that.