So betches, we've talked a lot about how #2 keeping up with the news is for fuglies and tree huggers and such. But like, betches definitely follow Twitter and these days it's getting harder and harder to ignore these other things that are happening outside our text message inbox.
Remember, even Cher knew that after she worked on her mind and body she had to do something good for mankind or the planet for a few hours. That's why Betches are going to “keep up with the news” so you don't have to.
By news, we still don't mean shit like “the unemployment rate is still high” or “Mitt Romney wears magic underwear” (you silly Mormons). Instead, we'll give you a roundup of actually interesting shit that happened this week. So everyone, it's finally time to delete that New York Times/LA Times tab from your bookmark bar that you added because you wanted people to think you read the news, because the Betches have arrived.
Obama joined Spotify and here's his playlist. Spoiler: he has a song from Dreamgirls and a Ricky Martin song. Seriously Obama? What's next?? Pocahontas' Colors of the Wind? Mary Poppins Sing Along?? …“Oh, it's just errr…Sasha and Malia's comp.” The only reason white girls voted for you in 2008 was because we thought you were more likely to share our love for Lil' Wayne than John McCain.
FIRE THE LASERS, but not before the Madonna concert. Take my nation and freedom but not my Madge! The first two paragraphs of this article will tell you everything you need to know about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Macaulay Culkin channels his inner Billy Bob Thornton and looks OLD AS FUCK!!! Like, get some friends, who's letting you go out like that? Still distraught over your Mila breakup? Is this what happens when you're suffering from being jealous of Justin Timberlake and Natalie Portman? Actually…he reminds us of the old guy from Home Alone…“two turtle doves for Kevin McAllister.”
New Jersey cops are patrolling Snooki's house. May be problematic for her
coke addiction diet.
Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves are engaged. We honestly DGAF, MattyMc is seriously circa 2002. Just make sure Camila's not writing an article on how to lose a guy in 6 years. Here's the ring, judge it.
If you want to pretend to know about sports, casually mention how fucking weird it is that Chad Ochocinco is changing his name back to Johnson, again. And don't worry about people thinking you're a lesbian for knowing this, he's marrying Evelyn Lozada on Basketball Wives.
Steve Jobs' FBI file was released, betches love FBI files. Read this to see the scandy highlights. Ok fine we'll just tell you the exciting part. Steve did drugs and was a shitty baby daddy. Now if he and Kevin Federline could've only united imagine where Apple and pop music would be today.
Mitt Romney gets his face on a condom. Because when you're about to fuck someone, there's no better way to kill the moment than to catch a glance of a presidential candidate named after a baseball glove. I mean sure he's hotter than Newt but like, really? It's like the everlasting gobstopper of contraception, you'll only ever need one.
Beyonce and Jay-Z trademarked Blue Ivy's name. Sooo like, if you were planning on naming your kid that, know that you'll be subjecting them to both social torment and a lifetime of royalty payouts.
Some NYU tool wrote about his physical strength in his JP Morgan cover letter. First of all, if you're going to brag about the amount of pull-ups you can do, at least get the number at triple digits. And second, if these are the types of single pros out there I'm turning in my hetero card and going lez.