3 Drinks Per Day Can Cause Liver Cancer, Oh God We’re All Fucked

How many drinks have you had today already? Two? Maybe a carafe of wine at lunch, like me (what, did you not?)? If so, we’re all basically about to be deader than Zayn Malik’s inevitable solo career, because some buzzkill researchers in the UK (basically the Valhalla of drinking, except for actual Valhalla, where I assume there’s lots of drinking too) have discovered that averaging just three drinks per day can significantly increase your chances of getting liver cancer.

Looking at 34 studies of over eight million people (including 24,500 who had liver cancer), the creatively named World Cancer Research Fund found that being a fat fuck and drinking too much were the biggest risk factors for liver cancer. Like, no shit, but what they call “drinking too much” is what most of us call “what I have before I leave for the pregame.” From The Telegraph:

“Until now we were uncertain about the amount of alcohol likely to lead to liver cancer. But the research reviewed in this report is strong enough, for the first time, to be more specific about this,” said Amanda McLean, Director of World Cancer Research Fund UK, who definitely doesn’t blame her mom for her dad being an alcoholic.

One researcher, who is not a complete dumbfuck, called the analysis “sensationalist” and probably “poppycock” and other cute British insults.

“Liver cancer is rare: about 1 in 100 men and 1 in 200 women get it in their lifetime. So if you already drink a lot, and then drink even more, your risk goes up a small amount,” said Prof Sir David Spiegelhalter, also noting that if you’re the kind of gal who likes to drink a whole bottle of wine as opposed to ⅔ (And who doesn’t? That shit gets gross when it sits out), your chances of liver cancer go up a measly 10%. You don't fuck with a guy who has both “Professor” and “Sir” in front of his name.

There’s more good news. They also found that coffee, for whatever reason, has a cancer-fighting effect, to the tune of a 14% risk reduction for every cup drank per day. Basically, have an iced coffee before you pound a bottle of wine, and you’ll then have a -4% chance of getting cancer. I think that qualifies as a superpower.


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