A 2017 Voter Guide For Millennials Who Procrastinated The Election

If you think that elections are like, so last year, you’d be very wrong. Elections are like my fuck buddy on the hockey team- constantly around and a necessary evil (cat’s gotta eat, amiright?). Anyways, what I’m eloquently saying is that elections happen pretty frequently throughout the nation, because there are like, a lot of elected officials. Obvi you can’t keep up with all of them, because ain’t nobody got time for that, but some of them are preettttty important, even if they don’t take place in your state. Because like, we’re one nation under all, yadda yadda, and our government is legit a flaming trash pile right now. On November 7th, two pretty important elections are taking place in Virginia and New Jersey, so I’ll tell you what you need to know, because I’m like, such a good friend.

What’s going on in VA?

Virginia is voting on several things, most importantly their governor. The current governor, Democratic Gov. Terry McAuliffe, has decided to peace the fuck outta there (smart dude), and the race is now down to Democratic Lt. Gov. Ralph Northam against Republican lobbyist and former George W. Bush administration official, Ed Gillespie. This whole election is really focusing on all things Trump and social issues that have now been put through the fucking shitter thanks to the Head Cheeto himself. This race is important because Virginia is a generally Democratic swing-state and the race is close af, making it hotter than a shirtless Cameron Dallas picture. Also, it’ll be a test to see exactly how Trump-lovin’ Virginia is, since good ole’ Ed feels comfortable using Trump jargon (aka “being racist”) in everyday life. 

If You’re A VA Voter: Polls are open from 6am to 7pm, and you can find your polling place here. Remember to check VA’s voter I.D. laws so you don’t get turned away at the polls without a sticker. That would be like, so devastating. 

What about NJ?

People are trying to distance themselves from the old New Jersey, apparently. First, by MTV rebooting Jersey Shore and moving it to  “Floribama“, and now, on a less important note, by saying “PEACE BITCH” to grade-A shitbag, Chris Christie. Being the aforementioned grade-A shitbag that he is, Chris Christie is (not surprisingly) super unpopular. So unpopular, in fact, that Republican lieutenant governor, Kim Guadagno, who has worked with him for 8 years, has tried to distance herself from Christie because he’s basically a death trap for her campaign.  Who knew causing traffic would be so unpopular? Guadagno is going against Phil Murphy, Democratic nominee, who has led consistently in the polls and spent a shitload of money on his campaign. Bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it works out for him.

If You’re An NJ Voter: Polls are open from 6am to 8pm, and you can find your polling place here. Remember to check NJ’s voter I.D. laws so you don’t end up looking all embarrassed and shit like that time your state bird (Snooki) got arrested. 

Big Picture of Why TF These Are Important

Basically, a year into this colossal fuckfest of a presidency, this election acts as a big heads up to both parties. There are a v. casual 45,000 candidates running across 33 states (including NY, hello!), so figure out if your state is in the mix and vote. If the Dems lose, it’s a clear sign that something is not right in the Democratic Party DUH), no matter the recent changes they have tried to make. If the Republican’s lose, it’s a sign that the Trump Era is, uh, not faring too well for their party (FUCKING DUH). So, set your Twitter alerts for tomorrow, or like, read The Sup on Wednesday morning because shit is going down. 

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