The MTV Video Music Awards were last night and in true VMA fashion, it was a glorious champagne-fueled, sequin clad train wreck. There were highs, lows, potential death threats, and presidential candidacy announcements strewn throughout the 3 hour show, but tbh if you aren’t Taylor Swift, Nicki Minaj or Kanye West, your contribution was pretty much forgotten.
We took the liberty of pulling the highlights so you don’t have to waste another minute of your life pretending to be entertained by Miley Cyrus. You’re welcome.
TAYLOR AND NICKI HAVE NO BAD BLOOD
Nicki Minaj opened the show with a performance of Trini Dem Girls and The Night is Still Young, featuring a surprise duet with Taylor Swift. This performance set the tone for the rest of the night, which was that these two would be running the fucking show.
They sang the chorus of Bad Blood while looking lovingly into each other’s eyes to let the world know that their little Twitter spat is long forgotten. Besides, Nicki had bigger fish to fry that night.
MILEY WAS A MESS
What started off as a semi-strong, incredibly self-deprecative hosting stunt by Miley Cyrus quickly devolved into a mostly nude monologue about how much she loves pot and hanging out with rappers, littered with intermittent announcements of presenters. Not even the influence of Andy Samberg and Ike Barinholtz (easily the best skit of the night) was enough to save Miley from herself, or her numerous outfit changes that looked like they belonged in a Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century inspired porno. Zetus Lapetus indeed.
Only one good thing came from Miley hosting, and we all know what I’m talking about…
NICKI THROWS DOWN
Sorry Franz Ferdinand, but this moment was the shot heard ’round the world. Put it in history books. Play it on repeat on the jumbo screens in Times Square.
Never forget where you were and what you were doing when Nicki Minaj put Miley Cyrus on blast on live television. I never thought I’d say this, but in that moment we were all Rebel Wilson.
The only props Miley deserves from last night is the fact that she didn’t immediately shit herself on stage. I know for a fact that if Nicki ever looked at me like that I would be on the first train to Canada, zero questions asked.
It seems fitting that the night that “Ima let you finish but…” was finally laid to rest was the same night that “WHAT’S GOOD, MILEY” was born. Only one VMA catchphrase can live while the other survives.
THE RETURN OF BIEBER
Justin Bieber made his miraculous return to the VMA stage after 5 years of throwing eggs at his neighbors homes and generally angering the entire world. What I think we all may have forgotten during his campaign for “Internationally Despised Fuckboy,” is that the kid is actually crazy talented and an amazing live performer. But he reminded us all last night as he performed “Where Are You Now,” and his new song “What Do You Mean,” to what could only be a horrifically uncomfortable front row Selena Gomez.
Justin closed out an otherwise fantastic performance by crying on stage, to the collective discomfort of literally everyone watching. Possible reasons include:
1. He was moved to tears by his own talent
2. Instant relief that he made it through his time on stage without incurring the wrath of Nicki Minaj
3. He forgot how much fucking cardio is involved in performing and was immediately second guessing his career choices
KANYE BEING KANYE
Taylor Swift may have walked away with the most awards, but Kanye was the absolute MVP of last night’s show. Kanye “I studied fashion and dress my wife” West showed up to the VMA’s, where we was being presented with a prestigious lifetime achievement award, in a beige sweat suit, the first of his many “fuck yous” to MTV throughout be night.
There are no words to describe his acceptance speech for the Vanguard Award, which MTV had Taylor present in a their final efforts to squeeze every drop of publicity out of an incident that happened 6 years ago. In it he managed to:
- apologize to Taylor Swift for the infamous “Ima let you finish” moment
- mention his affinity for juice
- second guess his decision to wear a leather shirt and drink half a bottle of Hennessy (same)
- tell MTV to go fuck themselves
- admit that he has no idea how award shows work
- admit that he for sure got stoned before the show, as if his behavior and wardrobe choice weren’t proof enough
- use the word BRO more times than I heard it used in the collective four years I spent in Greek life
- announce his 2020 presidential candidacy
It’s something that you have to watch and experience for yourself to truly understand. Would we vote for him? Probably. Would we wear Kanye 2020 shirts. Absolutely.
HONORABLE MENTION MOMENTS
- Gigi Hadid getting her spray tan at the same place as Ross Geller
- Serayah taking a moment in the middle of her speech about social and racial equality to remind the world that she’s in the Swift Squad.
- Selena Gomez’s mid-show outfit change despite the lack of any performance
- Iggy Azalea showing up to ruin an otherwise very respectable performance by Demi Lovato
- The inexplicable (and wholly unwanted) presence of Kelly Osbourne on the red carpet
- The premiere of the Wildest Dreams video and its eventual win for Best Cinematography at the Oscars this year
- Miley’s cringeworthy final performance and subsequent announcement of the drop of her new album, which you can get online for free. Wait, don’t all rush to not listen to it at once.
Here’s hoping that Liam Hemsworth spent the night at home, alone on the couch with a bottle of Jack, watching the show and counting his lucky fucking stars.