As you may or may not (but probably not) have heard, tonight is the State of the Union address. Now you might be thinking to yourself, why on earth would I give a fuck? Well, you basically have no choice because it's going to be on like every fucking channel tonight. After PLL, TFG. (If you don't understand that sentence you're probably watching the State of the Union for like, enjoyment.)
Most of us won’t be watching the show because if we wanted to sit in on a status meeting we’d show up to work on time Friday mornings, but for anyone who chooses to watch, you should make the best of it. Just think about it as the After the Final Rose of politics, but instead of recapping moments of bungee jumping and romantic jacuzzi makeouts, Obama's going to recap the past year of stressful healthcare signups and complain about how we're not in Iraq for the right reasons.
So if you get too drunk off this drinking game, don't blame us. Blame Obama and then pray that your parent's healthcare plan covers stomach pumping.
Take a sip of wine whenever…
- Obama mentions any of the following phrases: income inequality, minimum wage, blue collar, unemployment, fiscal boring shit
- The camera cuts to angry Republicans shaking their heads a la the middle aged audience at the Women Tell All
- A not-funny joke about the healthcare website not working (two sips if Obama laughs at his own joke)
^ Fake laughing
Chug your wine whenever…
- Barack subtly hits on his wife behind the ruse of a corny joke about how he'd rather be at home than giving this speech (we would rather you be home and not ruining my shows)
- Shit is talked about Edward Snowden
- You're forced to listen to the anecdote of an immigrant who lived the American dream and is in the audience tonight (how convenient!). Be sure to chug for the duration of their life story.
- Joe Biden starts falling asleep
Take a shot whenever…
- The camera cuts to a member of Congress checking their instagram
- Obama mentions the 1% – make a toast to yourself
- You discover a new imperfection in John Boehner's spray tan (two shots if you needed to google who John Boehner is)
Take a double shot whenever…
- You fucking feel like it
- Joe Biden and John Boehner attempt to take a selfie behind Obama
- The president starts speaking in hashtags
- Legalizing marijuana receives a standing ovation