As a show, 13 Reasons Why has the unique distinction of managing to not have a single likable character. It’s a feat we have not seen since the premier of The Big Bang Theory, and honestly, we salute them. Much of this is probably due to the fact that the show is based on a novel written by Jay Asher, an actual 41-year-old man, who has been out of high school for over two decades and appears to think modern teenagers have an interest in figuring out how to use cassette tapes. He paints a picture of a world in which Hannah Baker is simultanously the most popular, hottest girl in school who dates literally every member of the basketball team and has intimate relationships with over a dozen of her classmates, and a suicidal loner with no friends. He also appears to think that “FML Forever” is something cool that teenagers would say to each other, and that sexual assault and spreading rumors about someone are like, basically the same level of bad. The characters in his shitty novel-turned-shitty-Netflix-show range anywhere from “marginally extra” to “Anne Hathaway at the Oscars” levels of annoying, and there is not a single one that would actually exist in a real high school. Much has already been made about how the show is terrible, glamorizes suicide, and is just generally bad to watch, but what about the flaws of each individual characters? Here’s our ranking of the 13 Reasons Why characters, from “talks too much in the group text” to “girl who is always claiming she forgot to eat.”
14. Zach Dempsey
Congratulations to Zach Dempsey for winning the coveted Least Annoying Person On 13 Reasons Why award; I’m sure you made your rich-ass mom proud. So, sure, Zach should not have taken Hannah’s compliments out of her compliment bag. That was mean. And, more importantly, needy AF. Like, you’re the star of the basketball team with literally perfect features who also drives an Audi in eleventh grade, do you really need the compliment bag to feel good about yourself? Men like Zach are usually annoying us with their overconfidence, not the opposite. But apart from that, Zach spends the majority of the show being actually funny and legitimately attractive so we’ll give him a pass.
Also, has the Mulan movie cast its Li Shang yet? Cuz I mean, I’d let Ross Butler make a man outta me any day.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Person who gets upset when you forget their name
13. Sheri Kurtz
Sheri is a bit of a nice girl (apart from that whole “refused to call the cops about a downed stop sign and maybe kind of killed a classmate” thing), but she also appears to be the only normal female person at her school so congrats there I guess. Ultimately, she looks good in her cheerleading uniform and can do a cartwheel while intoxicated so we’ll give it to her.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Cousin who tries to one-up you by not getting drunk at family events
12. Alex Standall
After getting over the 90s Eminem hairstyle and the fact that this character apparently dates multiple women despite the fact that he’s very obviously gay, Alex was like…fine. I mean, he’s essentially a millennial emo kid and gives way too much of a fuck about jazz band but at least he appears to be affected by the tapes. Also, going back to the whole gaydar thing, writing a list that you circulate around the entire school where you rank the body parts of different female students seems like a pretty obvious beard to me. Just sayin.’
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Person who Snapchats karaoke
Tony, aka Gay Mexican The Fonz, makes no sense as a character. Why does he look like he is from the 1950s? If he and Hannah were such close friends, why did Hannah repeatedly say she has “no friends?” Why is he so good at rock climbing? Why does he assume other people are as good at rock climbing as he is? Did Hannah give him the tapes because he is the owner of the United States’ last functioning cassette player, or is he the owner of the United States’ last functioning cassette player because Hannah gave him the tapes? And, most importantly, if he’s such a good guy why didn’t he immediately turn over the insane ramblings of a suicidal teenager which contain allegations of rape over to the police? It’s just too many questions.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Tinder Guy who doesn’t know why you didn’t like his dick pic
10: Jessica Davis
So, it’s pretty hard to fault Jessica for her annoying behavior once you hear Tape #9, but luckily we had plenty of time with pre-party Jessica to know that she was annoying AF even before she turned to in-school alcoholism to drown out the memories of what is arguably the worst thing that can happen to a person. First of all, the way she and Hannah talk to each other is one of the worst crimes against the English language since Gretchen tried to make fetch happen. In the future, please leave all the witty quips and quirky sarcasm to us. You’re embarrassing yourselves. And while I truly have no problem with her slapping Hannah (I would have slapped Hannah many, many times), she slapped her for all the wrong reasons. Fuck the hot list, Jessica should have slapped Hannah as soon as she said the words “FML Forever” and then kept slapping Hannah every time she saw her until she transferred schools. Also, girl, Alex is gay, and you should have shot Bryce in the dick when you had the chance.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Memes about sarcasm featuring the minions
9. Mr. Porter
Wow. Haven’t seen someone this bad at their job since I worked in my University’s call center. Literally every single event that takes place in this show could have been prevented by this man having even a marginal interest in the school’s student body, and yet here we are. Where did this guy go to guidance counselor school? Victim Blame Academy? How did this man at no point in the entire lawsuit investigation DM his principal to be like “Yo BTW Hannah told me she was raped by another student and wanted to kill herself the day before she killed herself. Might be worth looking into.” If this man had done his job even once, Hannah Baker would still be alive and I wouldn’t have wasted an entire Saturday figuring out the shitty mystery of her death. Mr. Porter owes me, and everyone with a working Netflix subscription, and immediate and full apology.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Person who says “bae” too much.
8. Marcus Cooley
Marcus is your average everyday fuckboy who is also somehow student body president, and Chief Justice of the Honor Board—whatever tf that is. And I mean, Hannah is absolutely the desperate one for actually staying at the diner after you stood her up for a full hour, but how the fuck you gonna bring an entire group of guys to your date and expect the girl not to notice? How stupid do you think women are, exactly? Sorry dude, but you’re not that cute. The only way this character’s behavior could possibly be justified is if his rise to power as student body president despite his mistreatment of women was a metaphor for the U.S. election, but I have a pretty good feeling that it is not.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: When the ad before a YouTube video fucks up so you have to watch the same ad again
7. Clay Jensen
Clay spends a lot of time on screen, so honestly congrats to him for only being #7 on our “most annoying” list. That being said, WHO THE FUCK WOULDN’T LISTEN TO ALL OF THE TAPES? I don’t care that you have panic attacks. Welcome to the world. We all have panic attacks. That’s what fucking Xanax is for and, guess what, it’s really easy to get. There’s a whole opioid epidemic about it. Just go to your doctor, tell him you have anxiety, and then head to Baker’s Pharmacy and get Hannah’s dad to give you a prescription. Actually, fuck that, Wallplex’s prices are better. Secondly—and I understand that it was necessary as a device to understand what period of time we were in—but that gaping vaginal wound on Clay’s forehead scarred me for life (much like Clay’s face when that thing finally heals). By the end of the series homeboy straight up looks like he has jaundice and nobody gives a fuck. There has to be a way to show us what time period Clay is in without turning modern day Clay into Frankenstein’s monster. It’s also just physically impossible for one teenager to fall off his bike so many times in such a short period of time and not go to the hospital. Is Clay Superman? Does he have the power of regeneration? I’m confused. Also, Tony was right, you never should have fucked with Zach’s Audi. Unacceptable.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Talkative Uber driver
6. Ryan Shaver
Wow. Talk about someone who takes his job as newspaper editor too seriously. Do you think you’re fucking Gossip Girl? Can you imagine how much damage this dude has done to the environment just by fishing people’s notes out of the trash and photocopying them? Get a fucking blog, dude. This kid acts like when the school says he can’t distribute his high school tabloid on campus anymore (sidebar: this never should have been allowed in the first place) that his life is ruined, but it’s like, hi have you heard of the internet? You can post literally anything on there and it’ll be distributed to everyone on earth instantly. It’s pretty cool. The way this guy talks about his zine would make you think he works for the (failing) New York Times uncovering the Trump/Russia connection.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Vanessa Grimaldi and Nick Viall on a date
5. Justin Foley
Where is Justin Foley from? Is he from the movie West Side Story? Just because you are white and come from a broken home doesn’t mean that you automatically have to have greaser hair and a brooklyn accent. What is this? Secondly, this dude is approximately 5 foot 2 and 180 pounds so I’m sorry but he’s not the captain of the basketball team. He’s not. Actually, the only person in this show who would believably be on the basketball team is Zach Dempsey.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Jennifer Lawrence “tripping” at The Oscars
4. Courtney Crimson
Nope. Bye. How many times do they say that this character is beautiful and popular when all evidence points to her being an annoying AF nice girl wearing 1990s prep school attire? First of all, you should be less concerned with the fact that you are gay (coolest thing about you, TBH) and far more concerned with your name sounds like an aging porn star who now does Sirius XM Radio. There is no way that this character could be so much of a TTH and also be one of the most popular kids in school. That’s not how high school works. You either run around all day in Hello Kitty attire trying to get people to participate in school events, or you’re popular. You’re not both. Regina George is popular. Hermione is not. That’s how this shit works.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Dude who says he can open wine without a corkscrew but he actually can’t and it fucks up the bottle
3. Tyler Down
Good Lord. If we can’t expel this kid for the fact that he brings his camera into the bathroom and takes photos of people, can we expel him for being a goddamn mess? Hey buddy, guess what, being in charge of the yearbook isn’t an excuse to stalk people. You’re “in love” with Hannah because she looks good in photos? The advent of Snapchat filters must be really difficult for you. Also, heads up, but you can actually buy a silencer for your camera shutter. Might be something to consider given that your last stalking victim could literally hear you clicking from several feet away and through a wall. Also, Instagram exists now so you are literally useless.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Person who wears those shoes with the individual toes.
2. Bryce Walker
So, while I do believe it is more than a little questionable to call a rapist “annoying,” I’m going to focus on one aspect of this character that was annoying before we even knew hew as a literal monster: this man is not 17 years old. This actor appears to be 35 years old, whiter than a Macklemore album, and made of pure dough. He’s not good at basketball. He’s just not. Guess what dude, you can buy alcohol without an ID not because you’re cool and rich, but because you have a visible receding hairline. Where are your parents? Are they dead because you’re a 50-year-old man? These are questions I have.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Motivational quotes on slutty Insta photos
1. Hannah Baker
Hannah Baker is the least sympathetic suicide victim I’ve heard of in my life. You know, I used to think the day that someone died would be the day that they stopped annoying people, but I guess I was proven wrong. Honestly, it’s kind of impressive that Hannah managed to be so extra from beyond the grave that by the time I was done with her suicide tapes I actually felt less bad for her than I did when I started them, but here we are. Half the shit that happened to her wasn’t even that bad! Someone said you have the best ass? Okay. Someone published your poem without permission and literally no one in the school knew it was you? Wow. You didn’t get to read any of your compliments from the compliment bag? Heartbreaking. Also, very cool of you to out an assault victim to all of her peers while also simultaneously calling her a bitch who made you kill yourself. Very moral and upstanding of you. Also cool of you to include Clay on the tapes and ruin his life just to let him know that you have a crush on him? Good for you. Clay is now an insane person with a perpetual open vagina on his face because he can’t stop getting hit by cars. What’s better, to have 13 reasons why you killed yourself, or to be the one reason why 13 people kill themselves? Serious question.
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Anne Hathaway on a Segway drinking a Unicorn Frappuccino
HONORABLE MENTION: Selena Gomez
Selena Gomez was the executive producer behind 13 Reasons Why and basically all of this is her fault. She could have let us all live in peace, but no, she had to make this godawful show and then use her cute little face to back it so we’d all watch it and waste an entire Saturday that we could have wasted watching something else. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive her. Couldn’t you and the Weeknd just live your damn lives and leave our Netflix cues alone? I wasted an entire hangover on this. I could have been watching all of Grey’s Anatomy. Netflix has that now. Instead I had to watch this trash?
ANNOYINGNESS LEVEL: Selena Gomez