So a couple of weeks ago while we were at drunk brunch with our besties, we were talking about dating apps, as one does. Dating apps are to us today what The Bachelor used to be: everyone’s privately obsessed with them while simultaneously pretending to be way too good for them. Betches low-key love dating apps because it’s the most convenient way to participate in one of our favorite activities: snap judging people and then rejecting them based on their looks. But any betch who’s “drunkenly downloaded Bumble” when she was dead-ass sober knows the inherent danger in these apps. What starts out as a fun way to put off doing work pass the time often becomes compulsive. Dating apps start getting in the way of your daily routine. It starts off slowly: your shows are only being half watched, your friends’ bitching is being ignored, and the only thing you care about is swiping left or right. Before you know it, you’ve got an honorary PhD in dating apps and can recognize the same dudes you’ve rejected across various apps. “Why does Nick, 29, look familiar? Oh I definitely matched him on Bumble by accident and then never sent a message even though he extended the match. Oops!”
Sure there are the guys that are funny to automatically reject, like the 17-year-old surfer named Cameron whose picture was clearly taken at prom. Then there are the old freaks like 52-year-old Bob pictured in an old man polo with his four kids on his lawn in Connecticut. And, if you’re really far down the rabbit hole, 25-year-old Tyler who was in Pike at your college who tried to roofie half your sorority. Eventually you grow tired of these apps because you realize every single fucking guy on there can be placed into one of the 11 categories below, and they all suck.
1. Sex Fiend Simon
Sex Fiend Simons are most often blocked immediately after their first message and are just generally creepy as fuck. When Simon’s not opening with how sexy your smile is, he’s getting right down to business and giving you his room number at the W Hotel or telling you his name and that he has a small apartment in the city but there’s plenty of room if you sit on his face. Dream on Simon, if I wanted to fuck strangers I just met on the internet my face would already be corroded by crystal meth.
2. Desperate Dan
Desperate Dan seems normal at first. Sure his opener of “hey” was pretty generic, but he looked hot enough in his mesh frat tank to warrant consideration. Obviously you were too busy or too overwhelmed by all your matches to respond to this guy but that doesn’t stop Danny boy from laying it on thick and hard (and not in a good way). He’ll then follow up the unanswered “hey” with a “what’s up?” or if he’s especially clingy, a “?” You’ll then know you dodged a bullet. If you’re this desperate via an iPhone app I can already see visuals of me having to pry you out of my bed while you pitifully whimper like an 8-year-old girl.
3. Comical Corey
Apparently everyone on the internet thinks they’re a fucking comedian but rarely is a guy’s opener funny enough to warrant an actual LOL. That doesn’t stop the heaps of guys who think they’re the next fuglier version of Paul Rudd to open with some variation of “So is this how we’ll tell our kids how we met?”, “Ranch or blue cheese?”, “Reverse Cowgirl or doggie style?” While these guys and their bros to whom they’re showing their “hysterical messages” think they’re fucking hilarious, in reality they’re usually just not hot enough to get your attention otherwise. If I wanted to have a comical contest where I tried to one-up a guy on hilarity I’d be someone’s funny fat friend.
4. Already Know You Adam
Adam is the guy you have like, 30 mutual friends with and probably have at least seen around. You already know him—maybe you guys will hit it off. You’re trying to be polite so this bro gets a courtesy approval. He will inevitably match you too and then the two of you will say absolutely nothing to each other or he will use your vague acquaintance to hit on you via a dating app because he is far too much of a pussy to do so in real life.
5. Hard To Get Harry
The most elusive of the bunch, Harry and you are a match, he’s really hot but yet for some unfathomable reason has not messaged you. This is intriguing and obvi makes you want him more. Nine times out of ten Hard to Get Harry has a girlfriend who is unaware of his existence in the dating app universe, is looking for a quick ego boost by seeing how many girls will match him based on his best-picture-he’s-ever-taken-3-years-ago profile picture, or is actually cool and doesn’t use dating apps as an actual dating mechanism. SWOON.
But then there are these bros who you might actually talk to, because they make dating apps more entertaining—aka give us plenty of ammo to screenshot to our besties.
6. The Guy Who Doesn’t Know How To Add A Picture
You do realize you want us to see your entire face, not just the section between your eyebrows and upper lip, right? Usually this dude is old, because anyone under the age of 30 should be able to understand how to crop a Facebook photo. This also applies to the guys who, for some reason, don’t even have a fucking picture and think you’ll want to swipe right because his bio of literally nothing is just so intriguing. No thanks, you’re going to have to try a little harder to murder me and wear my skin.
7. The Over-Sharer
“Not here for just a hookup, I’m looking someone to build with since my last girl cheated on me. No debt, no kids, no drama, no commitment issues…” like at that point you might as well just write “no penis.”
8. The Guy Who Can’t Take a Hint
He seems normal and you start wondering to yourself WTF he’s doing on a dating app until he drops something weird like having a pet lizard or being a vegan or living in Jersey, and then you know it’s time to bail. But the dude either doesn’t get it, or thinks if he plays dumb and wears you down enough you’ll give him another chance. Like, no. I’m not going to suddenly respond to the 56th “?” or “So I guess you just not gonna respond, huh” or even “Why are you even on this app if we’re not gonna talk?” I was just trying to get some free drinks and now here you are making me stop by the police station to get a restraining order.
9. The Where’s Waldo
There’s nothing more disappointing than seeing a regulation hottie in a group photo and swiping to the next photo, only to find out the profile belongs to the ugliest guy in the pic. I will not fall for that trickery.
10. The Ying-Yang Twin
This is the guy who doesn’t even let you wait till you see his dick. His profile picture is a close-up of his crotch in gray sweatpants, and then you scroll and it’s like, his dick next to a thing of Old Spice for reference. This dude is seriously disturbed. Usually I have to mutually match with someone before I can expect a barrage of unwanted dick pics. What girl ever has just swiped right on a dick without seeing the face attached to it? Seems like a recipe for disaster. Or chlamydia.
11. The Happy Couple
Nothing wrong with a couple trolling utilizing a dating app looking for a threesome partner—we actually kind of commend the honesty and resourcefulness of this move. Coming across a couple looking for a threesome/someone to join their polyamorous relationship is definitely a welcome change of pace from the 11 aforementioned freaks we’re used to encountering. It’s kind of like …IDK, to borrow from the greatest movie of all time, seeing a dog on its hind legs. We’re not mad about it.