Thanksgiving is right around the corner, but it’s safe to say everyone is still focused on our country fucking falling apart. Politics are important, but Thanksgiving isn’t the best time to get into a screaming argument with your psycho great-aunt Marge. To help out, we made this list of engaging, controversy-free topics for this year’s Thanksgiving dinner.
Adele: Everyone loves Adele, it’s just a fact. Other than your grandpa maybe making an unfortunate comment about her size, this one should really be in the clear.
The Olympics: Sure, the Olympics were a few months ago, but we can still come together and call Ryan Lochte an asshat. Safe topics include Michael Phelps, Simone Biles, and Usain Bolt.
How Good the Food Is: There always comes a time when there’s nothing left to say, which is a good time to praise the food. We all know how turkey fucking tastes, but it’s better than awkward silence. Old people love talking about how good their food is.
The Kardashians: Good or bad, everyone will have an opinion. Be prepared for a gross sex tape joke, but other than that it should be relatively smooth sailing. Don’t bring up Taylor Swift though, because all your little cousins probably still worship the ground she walks on.
Christmas/Hanukkah: It’s literally never too early to look ahead to the next big holiday. If Thanksgiving is feeling awkward, just act like it’s already over and talk about how excited you are for Christmas! Basically you’re tricking your relatives into thinking you like spending time with them, it works like a charm.
Dogs: Who doesn’t love dogs? If someone at the table has a dog, they will 100% get out their phone and share pictures, which is way more interesting than looking across the table at your cousins.
Tom Hanks: Tom Hanks is America’s dad, and everyone is scared to say a bad word about him. Ask if anyone saw Sully, even though you totally didn’t. One of the men at the table will make a Wilson joke from Castaway, and you’ll roll your eyes, but at least no one is yelling.
School: Don’t worry, you’re not actually going to have to talk about school. You’ll just say “how is school going for everyone?” Someone’s overbearing mom will take over the conversation and tell a 10 minute story about how smart their little asshole kid is. Again, this is better than awkward silence.
Any Sports Team: Just bring up whichever sports team your grandparents have really old sweatshirts for. They’ll start talking about things you don’t understand, and you can text under the table for a good seven minutes.
Weather: Same reasons as talking about the food. Old people live for this shit.
Anything But Trump: Talk about Beyoncé. Talk about Ellen. Talk about shoe polish. Really, talk about anything you want but NOT FUCKING TRUMP. Save it, it won’t end well.