ICYMI, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are not only the hottest couple on the face of the planet, but they are also the fucking greatest parents ever. And while we’re all super happy that their adorable daughter Luna exists so we can watch her become the first female president after beating Barron Trump in the 2048 election, but honestly, Luna should share her parents. Like, you’re already in the Lucky Sperm Club, so why not fucking share already (“fucking share already,” btw, will be Luna’s campaign slogan.) But until Luna decides to stop being so damn selfish, the rest of us will have to just pretend we’re members of the Teigen-Legend fam by living vicariously through their instagrams. Just like you do with your ex and his new fiancée.
1. Mommy-Daughter Private Plane Trips
At the age of 25, I still have never ridden on a private plane. In fact, I’ve never not ridden on a plane that was oversold by 100 seats and full of a thousand angry farts. You can bet no salty-ass flight attendant is forcing Luna to check a bag or throw away her expensive AF shampoo because it’s four ounces instead of three. Plus no judgey side eyes for Luna for just trying to calm her nerves with a third Champagne-and-Xanax. Luna has beaten me in virtually every aspect of life at the ripe age of one.
2. Private Piano Lessons
Rather than waste her time spitting into a school-bought clarinet, Luna Simone Stephens (bc her last name is Stephens, apparently) receives private music lessons from her Grammy award-winning father. Sorry, other kids! Have fun learning the recorder. Could you imagine having a piano teacher that was even one ounce as hot as John Legend? I’d have been so focused on my piano playing that I’d probably be playing concert halls right now. Instead, the only musical training I get is when I drunkenly request “I Will Always Love You” at karaoke and realize halfway through that I am in no way qualified to sing it.
3. Access To An Incredible Closet
Chrissy Teigen has access to all of the hottest designers and skimpiest clothes. It’s only right to have that same privilege as her beloved daughter. Given the way fashion is cyclical, in the time it takes for Luna to become an adult person with thoughts and opinions, all her mom’s hottest looks should be coming back into fashion. All we have to do is wait 20 years and we can see all of Chrissy’s classic looks again. And then also start crying because we’re old.
4. Box Seats At Every Meaningless Sports Game
DGAF about sports, TBH, but if you’re forced to attend a sports event, box seats seem decent. They’re definitely better than sitting in the nosebleeds with some Tinder bro and having beer spilled on your for three hours. Not that that’s ever happened to me…
Luna is also in the perfect position to catch the eye of some hot AF NBA player and be set for the rest of her life. Well, more set for the rest of her life. You know what, actually Luna, you don’t need to marry a hot NBA player. Save some opportunities for the rest of us!
5. Holy Fuck, The Food
Legitimately would get so fat with Chrissy Teigen as a mother but DON’T FUCKING CARE. Besides, whatever food Chrissy is making must be magic because she eats all of it and never gains a single pound. There’s probably some Teigen family secret shit going on here that will be passed down to Luna on her 13th birthday or some shit. Like, you’re seriously going to tell me that this woman eats pizza every day, just pushed a baby out of her vag, and still has the body she does? That is some witchcraft shit. Let me into your skinny coven! Please!
6. So Much Love In This Club
The only better thing in this life than having rich parents is having rich parents that legitimately like each other. Or at least buy each other really fucking expensive and nice flowers. Unlike most celebrity children, we can’t even manage our jealousy over her perfect life by reminding ourselves that her parents only got married because their agents said they should, or that TMZ just caught them both cheating on each other with Instagram models. Nope. All signs point to John Legend and Chrissy Teigen being in love and devoted to eachother, despite the plethora of hot people who are probably trying to pull them apart daily. Luna will have the benefits of parents who modeled a loving, respectful relationship for her, making her more likely to have a loving, respectful relationship in the future. They say that money can’t buy you happiness, but here these fuckers are, rich and happy. So fucking unfair.
7. Learning How To Cook Like A Betch
Again, it cannot be stressed enough how good Chriss Teigen’s cooking is. You don’t have a mom who is a pop culture cooking sensation and not learn how to cook, right? Lemon arugula spaghetti, chicken pot pie with pie crust crackers, fried chicken wings with honey butter, these are just some of Chrissy’s recipes which I imagine she intends to pass on to her offspring. You know Luna is going to be that friend who shows up to a potluck with some gourmet mini hamburgers that put your cold cheesy potatos to shame.
8. Let’s Talk About The Food Some More
Did we mention that Chrissy Teigen and John Legend as parents would lead to a gluttonous feast? Just checking.
9. Learn How To Be A Betch From An OG Betch
Chrissy Teigen has shut down the game on Twitter before Twitter was even cool. Could you imagine learning how to throw shade from this sorceress? Chrissy Teigen has absolutely zero fucks to give, and will likely pass this amazing quality onto her child. Ugh. Makes my heart hurt with longing.
10. This Gene Pool
I volunteer as tribute to bathe in this gene pool.
John and Chrissy, if you’re reading this, we will accept all adoption requests via Twitter or personal invitation. Please and thank you.