The new year is nearly here—and just in fucking time. Like literally every year since like, 2012, this year was a symphony of hot shit hitting the fan. While we could totally take several paragraphs to get into men being pigs and finally being called on it, our president drinking water like a trash panda, or even Russia being our actual supreme leader, we’re much more interested in how to lose three pounds before next year so we can say we totally stick to our New Year’s resolution this year (even if it took us 12 months).
You have literally like 2 weeks (not even) to get in shape for 2018. We’re helping you out of your cookie coma by giving you 10 foods that can help you speed shit up and be skinny(er).
1. Hemp Seeds
More of a salad topping than a food, hemp seeds go great sprinkled over your main dish and can help give your metabolism the help it needs. According to Red Book magazine, this shit contains alpha-linolenic acids, which studies have shown can boost metabolism. They can also help put a stop to DIABEETUS, which seems to really affect the chubbier of us.
2. Spicy Shit
Jalapeños, habaneros, ghost chilis, serranos—what do they all have in common? They make you LITERALLY sweat. A study from UCLA saw that participants who took capsaicin—the shit that makes peppers spicy—doubled their energy output, therefore making them faster, probs stronger, and on the road to being skinnier.
3. Green Tea
The Journal of Nutrition (which honestly sounds like a buzzkill) reports that “people who drank green tea and exercised regularly burned more calories” than those who probs chugged juice or water or whatever.
Our fav dick-shaped fruit has a shit load of potassium, and that’ll help you regulate your body fluids, increasing your metabolism. They’re also literally full of starch, which keeps your blood sugar steady and you fuller.
Apparently, one study found that “the average metabolic rate of people who drank caffeinated coffee was 16 percent higher than those who drank decaf.” The moral of the story? Decaf sucks and coffee is life.
So it isn’t a food—fuck you. But if you’re even slightly dehydrated, your metabolism is all like “slowwwww down bitch.” If you chug cold water, you’re forcing your body to use energy i.e. YOUR METABOLISM to warm it up and use it.
Protein fills you up and keeps you from snacking, but according to Prevention mag, it also offsets muscle loss while you lose weight. So things that taste like wet sponges like tofu and tempeh but are literally full of protein are GREAT for your depressing New Year’s diet.
8. Steel-Cut Oats
Turns out your mom’s boring-ass breakfast is actually like, legit. Even though they’re evil carbs, steel cut oats resist being broken down and help you feel fuller longer—therefore, helping you eat less and lose weight. YAY.
9. Whole Eggs
I know you’re ready to dive into your SUPER DELISH egg white omelet, but if you’re looking
for flavor something to really boost your metabolism, don’t ditch the yolk. New York dietician Tracy Lockwood says that the vitamin D contained in the WHOLE egg helps repair muscle. The more muscle you have, the easier you can burn evil calories.
According to Women’s Health magazine (which is like the Men’s version without HOW TO LOVE YOUR DICK MORE articles on the cover), the omega-3s in avocado get your metabolism going without fucking with our blood sugar—which prevents a crash and neeeeeed for snacks later.
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