Lucky for you, this article won’t actually lead you to a spam site that’ll likely infect your computer with computer Ebola. We’re rounding up foods that may allow you to skip the gym for a day since they boost your metabolism with their super psycho food powers. Just think, by adding all this new shit to your diet, you may lose enough flab to be bikini ready in time for summer.
It’s literally number one on all of our lists all the time. Water is the answer to everything (and is the essence of wetness), including boosting your metabolism. Every time you’re dehydrated (liiiiike every Saturday and Sunday morning), your metabolism starts crawling. Grab some cold water and chug—it’ll force your body to use calories to make you feel warm and fuzzy.
2. Jalapeños, Habaneros, Serranos, & Other Spicy Peppers
Spicy shit equals a skinny waistline. Capsaicin, found in spicy shit, can increase your metabolism by like 25% for three hours after you eat it. So, yeah, the Thai hot Pad Prik may be painful, but just think of all the calories you’re burning.
3. Green Tea
Do yourself a favor and just stock up on green tea the way I imagine cool college kids stock up on Adderall. As you should already be aware, green tea has EGCG, a plant compound that helps you burn fat. Green tea was a highly esteemed super food about five years ago, which it should always be based on all the extra calories it burns. Ditch your sleepy time chamomile tea and chug green tea.
4. Rolled Oats
We all know about the benefits of whole grains, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that rolled oats make the list. Whether you put them in overnight oats with chocolate and bananas (um, delicious but def not really healthy) or prefer plain, unflavored oatmeal (you’re a psycho), rolled oats help you keep the hunger demons away. They also take a shitload of time to digest, so you’ll be fuller for longer. And less likely to inhale a burrito bowl come lunch time.
5. Ahi Tuna
Omg yay, our sushi habit is paying off! Although tuna is like, kind of endangered, if you DO end up eating it, you’re giving your metabolism a boost. The Omega-3’s in tuna stimulate your body’s production of “you’re full” signals, which, honestly, I wish I could bottle and inject into my body every goddamn day.
We ALL know about the grapefruit diet, and it turns out those Monterey mommies who invented it were on to something. Grapefruit has a shit load of vitamin C, which I assume you all learned from Sesame Street or something. That shit keeps your insulin spikes down, which prevents a little thing I like to call die-a-beet-us AND keeps your metabolism at a steady rate throughout the day. So yah, load up on that shit at breakfast and ditch the doughnut. But make sure you eat something other than grapefruit throughout the day or you’ll starve and turn into a monster.
I’m sure there will be another study in a few weeks that informs us that coffee causes cancer/zika/ebola in mice, but, it also boosts your calorie-fighting power. All that caffeine translates into your body burning an extra 80-120 calories per day. Just remember to drink that shit black to match your bag and soul.
What happens if you aren’t getting enough iron? You can’t burn enough calories, you get fat and sad, and forever alone becomes your personal tagline. Lucky for you, one cup of lentils gives you about 35% of your daily iron needs, which will keep your metabolism revving and ready to burn off that extra cupcake I saw you stuff in your mouth at lunch.
We’re surprised too. Turns out, milk and calcium in general can help your body figure out wtf to do with fat more effectively. So yah, have that white Russian. It’s practically healthy.
10. Lean Meat
Yes, eating that piece of grilled chicken or bison (yes rly) is totally fine for your calorie-burning purposes. Lean meat has iron and, as we already fucking explained, iron equals higher metabolism. So yah, nom on that meat, you carnivorous betch.