Brace yourself, betches, because Valentine’s Day is coming up and with it the most annoying social media posts since the #100HappyDays challenge. There’s nothing worse than couples posting about their love, especially because we all know the more relationship photos you see someone post, the shittier their relationship actually is. To prep you for the flurry of #bae posts, here’s our list of the corniest shit you’ll see on social media this Feb 14th. Sorry, but your love is not original.
1. Candlelit Dinner For Two On Instagram
Oh wow, so your Valentine’s Day plans consisted of reenacting every 90’s pop song about love? I mean, if you’re going to do this we won’t judge (that’s a lie), but posting it on Insta like we’re supposed to swoon over your relationship is corny as hell. #Boring #YouBarelyTried #HalfOfYourDinnerWasSpentThinkingOfaGoodHashtag
2. A Super Long Post On Facebook About Your #Bae Detailing All The Times He’s “Been There” For You
It usually starts something like “Okay, normally I don’t post things like this, but I want to talk about someone truly special to me.” And then it goes on, and on, and on… If you read the subtext in here there’s usually a fuck you to an ex masqueraded as a “I thought I could never love again, but he showed me that there ARE good guys out there”. Too bad I don’t have someone special to hold my hair back while I vomit.
3. Going To See Some Hard-To-Get-Into Show Or Concert
Posting a photo from the front row at Hamilton with your boo. Wow, how lucky of you to find someone who enjoys the same things as you, and by same things we mean one of the most popular shows ever. Now, if you were both enjoying a Guy Fieri restaurant together, we’d be surprised, because we don’t know anybody who likes that.
4. Posting A “Dear _____” On His Wall Like You’re Talking Only to Him.
Unless the person you’re dating is only accessible via Facebook wall, which um, we hate to break it to you but you’re probably not even really dating, then any “Dear ___” post is so obviously there for your friends to read it that it’s thirsty AF. If you really wanted to let him know how you feel, you’d probably tell him in person, or text, or I mean, even email is more private than a Facebook post. Much like public Facebook eulogies to your late Grandpa, this type of post is best expressed in private.
5. Posting A Galentine’s Girls Pic
We get it, you’re an independent woman and you don’t need a bro. Here’s a tip, the louder you say “I’m fine” the less people will believe you. Plenty of betches are single and killin’ it, but dragging your girls night out through the social media sphere for your exes to see is sadder than that Sarah McLaughlin commercial with the puppies.
6. A Photo Of Something “Artistic”, Like You Two Holding Hands
A post of hands touching, or just your knees, or something equally nauseating belongs in a sixth grader’s Tumblr and nowhere else.
7. Baby Photos Of Each Other
When a couple posts baby photos of each other, what they’re really saying is, “I’m having sex with this person who used to be this baby.” It’s deeply uncomfortable for everyone else on social media. We get that you think they’re adorable and maybe you’re even trying to not-so-subtly hint at getting married and having babies together one day, but ugh. Please don’t make us think of you two babies making out.
8. A Clearly Staged Photo Of Two People Making Out Or Looking Into Each Other’s Eyes
Unless you’re Beyoncé with a camera crew following you around to document your life for your fans, there’s no way that photo of you two looking deep into each other’s eyes was candid. When has anyone ever stopped in the middle of a truly intimate moment and thought, “WAIT, we need to get this on camera!” Never, that’s the answer.
9. Song Lyrics Coupled With Anything.
Are you “drunk in love” or is this “hands down the best night I can ever remember”? Your love is so original you needed to appropriate a pop song to describe it to others on your social media feed. This is the definition of corny.
10. Telling Social Media You Love Each Other Before Telling Each Other
If the first time you’re saying “I love you” to each other is for likes, that’s corny. What’s that wedding going to look like? Live streamed on Facebook?