35. Sorority Rush

Tons of betches love the Greek system, but there is no part of being in a sorority that betches love more than sorority rush.

Why? It’s an institutionalized opportunity to do our favorite betchy activities! Namely, endless amounts of #1 shit talking, organized judging of people we don’t know, getting dressed up, and pretending to be nice to people for our own social advancement. While in high school it was considered lame to label your group of friends with a #9 nickname (the salacious seven, the hawt hoes, foxy five, etc.), in college you throw a couple of Greek letters into the mix and voila! You’ve social climbed yourself at least another rank on the ladder! Having trouble meeting friends? Just give this national and college-sponsored organization upwards of $1000 a semester and you’ve got “sisters” for life! Not only are you given about a hundred automatic besties but there’s now a whole new slew of people to #1 talk shit about all day long.

But how do we select these lovely ladies who, by contract, are obligated to be our sisters? That’s right. Sorority rush. The role of every betch during rush is to look the hottest she can while still pretending to be classy. The only issue is that you’re not allowed to talk about boys or alcohol, so you might as well tell girls that they have to pee standing up, because there’s really nothing else in their conversation repertoire. The only thing I care about less than the #2 news is your fucking major and the fact that you skiied in Aspen over winter break.

SororityDoes blowing my “sister’s” boyfriend count as service?

So maybe you and your soroslut sister haven’t been speaking for months because you both hooked up with each other’s boyfriends. Come sorority rush this is as evident to the incoming freshmen as the fact that we’re rating them on a scale of 1-5 as soon as they leave.

Betches, remember, sorority rush is crunch time. So put your ugly sisters in the kitchen, put aside the fact that you hate 80% of the girls around you with a fiery passion, and any sense of morality about deceiving others. This is no time for truth, honesty and virtue, this is sorority fucking rush.

The following is an actual rush dress code from an actual sorority, in case you thought we woke up looking like that.

RUSH DRESS CODE 2011 Below is the dress code for each day. Please make sure to look very nice, put together, clean and professional everyday. Please be prepared to show us your outfits at the beginning of the week so we may approve them. As much as we don’t like to admit it, rush is a very superficial process, and looking good is as important as what we say. The Potential New Members (PNMs) spend a tremendous amount of time picking out their outfits trying to impress us, so it’s only fair that we show the same respect to them.

Not allowed at any time during rush: sneakers, Uggs, watches, sweatshirts/zip-ups, t-shirts, torn jeans, cheap looking patterns (in fact, try to steer clear from patterns in general), no more than three earrings per ear, tight American Apparel dresses, plastic jewelry (i.e., anything purchased at Claire’s or The Icing), religious jewelry (we understand some people wear crosses or Star of David regularly, however religion makes some uncomfortable and we want the PNMs to feel as welcome as possible), obviously fake looking designer clothes/jewelry

Leggings: Leggings are only permitted during Round 1 and ONLY ROUND 1. They must be nice, not your shitty, tattered American Apparel leggings that you’ve had for years. Leggings as pants are NOT okay, so make sure if you do decide to wear leggings, your shirt/sweater is long enough to cover your butt.

two girlsI hate you.

Hair/Makeup: We will email you if you can keep your hair curly, otherwise your hair must be straight, and it must be worn down at all times (no ponytails). The reason for this is we want everyone to look put together as one cohesive unit. Also, at no time is colored makeup acceptable; no blue eye shadow and NO red lipstick. Make sure your makeup is pretty, daytime and neutral. We want everyone to accentuate their natural beauty (mascara, eyeliner, bronzer, a pale gloss), and you should look fresh-faced and natural, like a Clinique model.

If you have any type of facial piercing (nose, eyebrow, tongue, etc.) please email us to see if it will be accepted during rush. For the most part, we’d like to steer clear of these.

Preparation: You have roughly 4 weeks at home before rush week. Use this time to prepare physically and mentally for the week. As hard as it is on you, it’s harder on us, and it determines the future fate of the house. Make sure while you’re home you go shopping, get your roots done, hair highlighted, go tanning, get a mani/pedi, get your brows waxed, and work out so we don’t all gain the holiday 15. We highly recommend crest whitening strips so that your smiles are extra bright to welcome the PNMs.

Please carefully read the following pages containing information on what to wear during each day of rush. Please avoid outfits that show too much cleavage or short skirts/ dresses – we want to look classy. It is important to wear outfits that compliment your body type and make you feel comfortable. (you’re going to be wearing it all day!!!)

Round 1: Dress for a “nice birthday dinner out with friends.”

Examples: Leggings or jeans with a blazer and nice leather boots; Jeans with a classy satin top and flats; a skirt (NOT MINI) with a classic cardigan and riding boots; a casual cotton dress with flats. Cute scarf. Simple, classy jewelry, such as a pair of pearl earrings or casual necklace. If you look around and everyone is wearing the same outfit as you, please change. This means that everyone should not be wearing leggings, tory burch flats, blazers, etc.

Round 2: “Meeting the boyfriend’s parents at dinner or a family holiday gathering”

Examples: Dark skinny jeans with a ruffled tank top and heels; a tweed skirt with a blouse and flats; a knee length dress with heels. During this round, no leggings are allowed. Footwear must be heels or nice flats, no riding boots (but heeled boots are ok). Also, if you don’t have nice tan legs, you must wear stockings under your skirt or dress. A nice necklace or pair of earrings.

Round 3: “Drinks at Hudson Terrace in NYC on a Friday Night with your co-workers”

Examples: a dressy skirt with a blouse or lace top (not a plain cardigan); a nice dress you would wear to a date night (NOT SLUTTY WE WILL MAKE YOU CHANGE); black pants with a trendy tank top and great heels. The only pants that are acceptable this round are classic black pants but try to avoid it if you can because we’re limiting the numbers of pants. Footwear MUST be heels this round. Wear a little bit nicer jewelry and accessories to dress up your outfit (scarves around the neck, a string of pearls, etc.). Black tights can help dress up a cotton dress and also make it more winter appropriate.

Round 4: “A wedding rehearsal dinner”

Preference Round: This day is serious and what you wear and say can influence who decides to become a member of our house. Everyone must wear a nice black dress with black heels, there will absolutely be no exceptions. Look as nice as possible; you will not be over dressed! Cool neutral colored jewelry is encouraged (a simple gold necklace, a string of pearls, diamond earrings, a long silver chain). A dress that you would wear to formal is perfect, as long as it’s not slutty; you’re not trying to get laid, you’re girl flirting. Make sure your boobs aren’t out and about.

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