153. You Would


“I know you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?” – Girl with Skechers, 10 Things I Hate About You


Though this question has plagued us since our first sight of Alex Mack as a person and not a puddle, we can finally answer this perplexity. Betches, there is a definitely a state of whelmed and you experience it more times a day than you pee while on Adderall. Whelmed is what you feel when you utter a phrase we all use and abuse: you WOULD.

Much like with our other phrases like Stop I can't and I meannn, the Would is not meant to be used by the dull and unworldly. When average people say “I would” they mean it in the hypothetical wishful sense like, I would take the day off from work if I weren't so poor. Hence, this is why average people are described as such.


text convo you would


But when a betch uses “I/you/he/she/those fucking bitches would” she is referring to something or someone that they have already done, giving everyone the opportunity to indulge in your narcissism.

The Would is a perfect tool for talking shit about yourself and others. But why would you ever want to talk shit about yourself? Of course, to call attention to all the funny things you do. It's a brilliant way to flaunt your self-deprecating humor and to show people how super chill you are. Haven't you heard, betches are like sooo meta.

Synonymous expressions include: “standard” “typical” “obvs/obvi/obviously” “I meannn, duh” or “I wasn't listening”

But while the deeper meaning of this phrase changes depending on who would, the key is the constant, not the variable. The Would suggests you're not surprised, or overwhelmed by what you're hearing, nor are you totally disinterested, or underwhelmed. You're in the middle aka fucking whelmed.

Let's see some examples:

context: Betch 1 is a casual drug user, Betch 2 casually does it at 9am before class: Betch 1: Think we should get some drugs for tonight? Betch 2: Oh I already got Betch 1: You would.

context: Betch 1 is bored, Betch 2 is the delusional dater Betch 1: What are you doing later, wanna blaze with Rob and co? Betch 2: Ugh can't, all the guys I have crushes on get out of class in 10, I have to do my drive bys. Betch 1: Omg, YOU WOULD. Betch 1 text to Betch 3: I can't be her friend anymore.

As seen above, “You would” can either function as a casual conversational response as in Convo 1, playfully making fun of your friend for keeping up with the standards she's set for herself; or as a judgmental yet forward way of telling your friend she's a huge fucking joke.


lady gaga ridiculousBUT WHY WOULD SHE?


Also, 'you would' is an excellent and effective device for showing people that you are paying attention to them while you are actually doing the opposite. Like let's say your friend is telling you a story you just can't bring yourself within 2 inches of caring about, you can just be like “omg, you soooo would” and voila, it's almost like you were listening. I mean it's a safe response because like, she did, didn't she?

And lastly, The Would can also be used to make commentary on any situation. Instead of forming an extensive TTH opinion about something insignificant to your life that other people have done, you can instead just be like…they would. And everyone knows exactly how you feel.

Angelina Jolie is adopting a pair of Siamese twins she found in the rivers of the Sudan? She would.”

OMG Barack Obama is naming his own health care after himself …. he WOULD.

So if you don't yet appreciate the streamlined linguistic elegance of Would, then you should. Any betch who's visited the exotic Zen gardens of third world Asia has their very own spiritual guru who has personally taught them the timeless mantra “less is more.” Feng shui your conversations and stick with the simplicity of The Would. If you don't get it you're probably just a home schooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of us…. using a Mean Girls reference to end a post, we would.


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