I’ve been having an internal debate for the past day or so over who’s worse: people who use the phrase “I like the cut of your jib,” or people who publish articles on LinkedIn. While the former sound like fat losers who think they’re smarter than they really are despite finding the word “monkey” inherently funny, I think LinkedIn writers win out. Or at least, that’s where I now stand after reading a series of articles by Bruce Hurwitz, a man with bad job advice who possibly also fucks chickens in secret.
His advice? Don’t wear an engagement ring to a job interview. What’s remarkable though is that his reasoning isn’t the “women who get married will get pregnant and leave, so don’t hire them” rhetoric you’ve heard before. In a Shyamalan-worthy twist, Hurwitz, a man who has never expressly denied fucking chickens, says that someone wanting to marry you makes you high-maintenance.
He writes, “When a man sees that ring he immediately assumes you are high maintenance. When the woman at the office who has the largest diamond on her finger, sees that ring, she will realize that if you are hired she will fall to second place and will, therefore, not like you. Lose the ring!”
“You see, women are money grubbing slut whores, and having a diamond ring will make you the Witch Queen of the slut whores in the office and the men will hate you and oh god I’m so alone someone please hit me so I know how to feel again,” says unconfirmed not-chickenfucker Bruce Hurwitz. Because all these special snowflake, participation trophy-humping, Instagram-snapping entitled millennialz got their fee-fees hurt (women, amirite!?!?), Hurwitz sat down at his computer to spell out his reasoning for your feeble ladyminds, which are just like manminds only way less smart because, lol vaginas.
He continues, “When a man gives a woman an engagement ring, he buys the least expensive ring that he believes it will take to get her to agree to the proposal. For women it may be a symbol of everlasting love, but for men (when it is expensive) it is akin to a business transaction. So when a male interviewer sees what appears to be an expensive engagement ring he assumes the wearer is, as I said in the article, ‘high maintenance.'”
Bruce Hurwitz is a) the kind of person who uses the phrase “it’s econ 101” in internet comments when that’s not true and b) is someone so repulsive to women that when he tried to jerk off to porn, his computer shut down. Probably. Did Bruce Hurwitz stop posting on Men’s Rights Activism message boards long enough to consider that in some cases, a man may actually buy the BIGGEST ring he could afford because, I dunno, love and all that bullshit? We’ll never know, just like we’ll never know the true relationship between Bruce Hurwitz and chickens (if there even is one, and I’m not saying there is).
I have better job interview advice: before you go to a job interview, check to make sure that you are not, in fact, Bruce Hurwitz. I do not like the cut of his jib.
(He also wrote a post titled “How To Write A Viral Article On Linked In,” so fuck this guy with a pair of rusty garden shears.)