So I’m a freshman in college and first week I met this older boy, a friend of a friend. We start hooking up and he’s very clear that he’s not interested in a relationship, which is fine by me as I’ve just gotten to college and definitely don’t want to engage in monogamy at this point… However, he starts taking me on dates & holding my hand & kissing me in public & introducing me to his friends so I’m confused to his intentions when suddenly school picks up, his fraternity life picks up, & I receive not radio silence but definitely decreased communication as well as interactions. We end up not hooking up for almost a month and I figure we’re more or less over until he asks me out to coffee, we spend a long time talking, and I realize that he’s not really intentionally ignoring me but is genuinely dealing with a lot of shit. The following week, we start hooking up again on around a weekly basis. He never is apt to take me up on drunken late night texts to hang out, but sends me frequent mid afternoon texts asking me how I am– which is bizarre to me, as that isn’t really something I expect from such a causal relationship.
He’s been consistently very concerned about how much younger I am than he is, so I think he refuses to booty call because of a fear of taking advantage or being creepy or something. He also will mention his ex-girlfriend, who I guess cheated on him after they dated for over two years, and early on asked if it bothered me that he talked about her. I said no, as it didn’t at the time, but he continues to do it and it just makes me feel a little devalued. But is that a feeling I should even possess? This is a causal hookup. We’re definitely not dating, and I’m really just wondering if it’s better to put the whole thing behind me or keep hanging on to it for when I see him next. We’re on winter break now and I haven’t heard from him any more than snapchats and don’t really expect anything else. All my friends think he’s a fuckboy but I think I’m catchin feelings. Do I get over him now or plan to continue to hook up with him when we get back to school??
Unpopular opinion time, but I don’t really think this dude is really being a fuckboy—not intentionally, anyway. To me his actions don’t scream “I’m going to manipulate you into thinking I like you so you will give me the sex” as much as they scream “I genuinely like you but I am not ready for a relationship and was clear about that from the get-go and I am acting accordingly.” Seems crazy but yes, a guy can like you but still not want a relationship and no, continuing to hook up with him will not change his mind. This guy may (or may not, depending who you ask) be a fuckboy, but one thing he certainly is, is an almost-boyfriend. This is textbook shit right here.
I could sit here and tell you that the longer you stick around, the more of the same bullshit you’ll be dealing with, and the more your feelings will get hurt (because let’s be fucking honest with ourselves—you’ve already caught feelings), and eventually it will get to a point where you can’t take it anymore and either continue on like a DD for eternity or wise up and break it off, but we already wrote about the almost boyfriend and I don’t want to repeat myself.
And as for the ex-girlfriend thing…sigh…yeah, it is some bullshit. On the one hand, he’s not your bf so you feel like you “have no right” to object, but on the other hand, pining over your ex to the person you’re currently sleeping with is a pretty fucked thing to do. It’s a catch-22: if you say anything about it, he’ll think your crazy; if you don’t say anything about it, you’ll go crazy. Easiest way to handle it: go hook up with someone who isn’t hung up on another person. Bam. I wish I had one of those Staples easy buttons right about now.
Oh, and here’s a bonus piece of advice: get a more professional-sounding email address, for fuck’s sake.
JK, it’s The Betches, obv
Got a fucked up problem only The Betches will understand? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org and you just might get a response.