Winter Accessories You Needed Like Yesterday

Gone are the days of freezing your ass off to the point of being in actual, physical, debilitating pain. Thanks mostly to in-house heating systems, breast/ass implants, Uber drivers, and of course my favorite — winter accessories. Today, I’m here to discuss the latter. So you can stay warm, without needing to do something rash, like achieve a “normal weight.” 

The Only Scarves To Fuck With

It’s important to wear a scarf that’s large enough to practically suffocate you while still remaining small enough to make you feel thin (in a fat way.) Or fat (in a thin way). Beauty is pain.

Try this textured knit scarf from TOPSHOP because it goes with everything. Or the Zara “Jacquard Scarf” because why the fuck not. 

The Only Winter “Hats” To Fuck With

Fuck with this beanie made out of “oatmeal cashmere” (great for orthorexics). Or this velvet head wrap, if you think you can pull it off (not likely, but worth a shot.) If not, aim for a classic/casual dark grey beanie like this one from Rag & Bone.

The Only Gloves To Fuck With

It doesn’t matter if you live in Missouri (though I am desperately sorry you do), act like you give a damn and wear some Parisian inspired hand accessories. Best to put it out in the universe that your location isn’t bleak as fuck anyway. (For reference, consult “The Secret”).

Give these classic moto lambskin gloves a whirl. Or these dark grey fingerless options. Or these with stitch detailing

The Only Umbrella To Fuck With

Shield yourself from rain/hail/sleet/snow/people with the Hunter ‘Original’ Umbrella. What else are you going to do? Buy something from Kate Spade?


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