32. Winning

So there’s this bro you’ve wanted to hook up with for a while now. Being the betch that you are, it’s only a matter of time before you conquer him. Obviously he’ll be the one to make the first move, as you’re so hot that you’re about as likely to pursue a bro yourself as you are to wear a corduroy skort to the bar tonight.

Cut to somewhere between 10 minutes and two weeks later, depending on the intensity of this bro’s game. He buys you a few drinks at the bar and before you know it, mission accomplished.

Here comes the endless analysis of every text, glance, and interaction you exchange with this kid for the next year and a half.Let the games begin.

Since betches don’t have actual feelings, winning is not about the fulfillment of any sort of need for love and affection, or because you actually give a shit about anyone. Caring about others is for nice girls. (Unless you have a boyfriend, in which case keep that shit private because there’s nothing more disgusting than a happy couple.) Caring is the opposite of winning. Winning is our mechanism to get the ultimate prize: power and control. There’s nothing more important to a betch than being on top.

For a bro, winning is fucking a girl and never calling her again. For a betch, it’s receiving a 2pm triple text from the bro who thinks he’s the hottest shit around.

So how do you win? We’ve devised a handy points system for those clingy girls out there who don’t naturally possess our superior analytical skills and innate “fuck off” vibe.

+2: #8 Don’t fuck him.

+5: Take his drugs and then #8 don’t fuck him.

+2: Let him buy you a drink, say you have to go to the bathroom, and never return.

+3: Let him go down on you then “pass out.”

+1: Casual flirting with another guy while he’s looking. (-1 for being too obvious. Plastering your face to this other guy’s makes you a skank, not a winner.)

+1: Wait two hours to read his BBM, +1 again if you don’t respond.

+6: Make a bro your bitch. You’ve scored these points if he holds your purse while you’re in the bathroom.

+1: Invite him over, be elsewhere.

+3: Cut to the morning after. “Why are you still here?”

+2: The next girl he hooks up with is uglier than you. +3

He leaves a voicemail. Game over.

+2: Laugh when he tries to call you out or confront you for doing any of the above. +3 if it’s in public.

Minus Points:

-2: Initiate drunk sexting.

-2: Show emotion.

-4: Stalking, in cyber space and/or in real life.

-3: Calling him. NEVER CALL. If you have to pick up the phone, he’s just not that into you.

-1: Friending him on Facebook.

-10: Using the word “boyfriend” in any sentence with his name after you’ve hooked up three times. You’re done.

-5: Deleting him from BBM. You care, you lose.

-10: Crying. Betches don’t cry… they get even.

For betches, winning isn’t about the quantity of guys you fuck, it’s about the quality of your manipulation tactics. Always watch your game because it only takes one public display of tears to be labeled a psycho and lose the game forever. Remember, nice guys finish last… nice girls don’t finish.

The irony about the game, which most people refuse to acknowledge, is that you lose points simply by choosing to participate. The object of the game is to be the one who cares the least, and you still care enough to play. That being said, what else are we gonna do with our time?

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