Happy New Year! Welcome to Literally The Worst, an irregular column where I call out shitty things that don’t get shit on nearly enough in our polite-ass society. Email me suggestions at firstname.lastname@example.org, and follow me on twitter at @betchesheadpro. I only tweet, like, once per week (unless it’s the VS Fashion Show), but following me will instantly make you sexier and more charming to all of your friends.
Shitting on New Year’s resolutions
I don’t have any resolutions for 2015, which is normal because I rarely bother lying to myself by saying I’ll somehow be better this year. And that’s fine. No one can make you make New Year’s resolutions. But, the only people who suck worse than those who make the same failed resolutions every year are the ones who think they’re somehow smarter or funnier for NOT making them and then making fun of people who do. Chill. The start of a new year is kind of a natural time to make a life change, if you think about it. Even if they rarely pan out, the first step to making a change is deciding that you’re going to do so, and thinking that you’re somehow above it all by not participating is bullshit. The next person I hear making the “My resolution this year is to stop making resolutions!” joke is going to get a mouthfull of my fist.
Anything claiming to “break the internet”
I hope this dies in 2015, but I bet it won’t. Paper magazine, which is apparently a thing that exists, boldly claimed that they would do so with… a picture of Kim Kardashian’s glistening ham hocks? That’s like a magazine saying “you’re never going to believe these images!” and then you open it up and it’s just pictures of grass, or a fire truck, or any other unremarkable thing you’ve seen a bajillion times. Greasing up Kim Kardashian and snapping full-frontal pics of her will not get me to buy Paper magazine. Not only has Kim been in Playboy, but there’s a video of her sleeping through sex with and then getting peed on by Brandy’s brother that you can see right now, for free, all over the internet. At this point I’m more familiar with her anatomy than my own.
Kind of like “viral” a few years ago, “breaking the internet” is so commonplace yet simultaneously impossible that the term is meaningless. The internet is just too big now for anything to be so monumentally popular as to be newsworthy. By now, any company that survives by producing content for the internet is a master in virality, or at least some definition of it. “The Fappening” was the closest we’ve come by a long shot, and even that was largely forgotten about within a week. If Jennifer Lawrence’s ill-begotten boobs can’t break the internet in a literal or even figurative sense, nothing can.
Can someone please explain to me why the fuck it’s 2015 and it still takes my iPad like 12 goddamn hours to charge? I appreciate how much my devices are capable of, I really do. And to the credit of the nerds at Apple, the battery does last a pretty long-ass time. Maybe it lasts a little too long, so as some sort of sick penance they make the charging period approximately 15 times longer than the battery’s life. I saw a commercial the other night for some hospital where a kid had to have his legs amputated but they were able to give him these cool prosthetics that looked and acted just like real legs, a real technological miracle. And yet, it’s been like two hours and my iPad’s only at 28%. Get your priorities straight, science people.
Terrible sports takes
We’re barely into 2015, but with the new college football playoffs twitter is rife with some STRONG takes by sports pundits. Look at this shit:
Get your oven mitts ready, we’ve got a piping hot take over here, a take so hot Kate Upton asks it for dating advice. That’s NFL writer/blogger/podcaster Dave Dameshek reminding fans of Ohio State University, who just upset no. 1 ranked Alabama in an awesome game, that taunting the opposing team “undermines” the “heroic nature” of their win. What the fuck does that even mean? How can a win be heroic? Is Alabama Nazi Germany (I mean yeah it basically is but you know what I mean)? Twitter itself is partially to blame for this sort of thing, as the only way to get attention there is to offer the most contrarian opinions possible in 160 characters or less. If sports aren’t your thing, replace “sports” with movies or music and you’ll see what I mean. Opinions are more like nipples than assholes – unattractive and mostly useless.