What Your Seersucker Says About You: Head Pro

Bros from the Mid Atlantic all the way down to the dirrty south are rejoicing for one simple reason: It’s motherfucking National Seersucker Day. Thanks to Louisiana Republican Bill Cassidy, the US House and Senate have revived the practice of declaring June 11 National Seersucker Day, a practice started by Trent Lott in the 90s. Today, members of Congress and the Senate (don’t worry betches, Senator Dianne Feinstein of California looped you into the action in 2004) are wearing seersucker suits and posing for a photo. Make your own jokes about this being the one thing our useless legislature can agree upon.

Seersucker is the tits because the way its woven makes some of the threads bunch together, meaning it stays away from your skin. That’s great for heat management when you live in a God-forsaken swamp like the DC area. It also means it doesn’t need to be ironed, because fuck ironing. Originally worn by the poor in the southern US to combat the oppressive heat (the south is apparently oppressive even when it’s not trying to be), it caught on with preppy types in the 1920s as part of a wave of “reverse snobbery.” 1920s prepsters – the original hipsters!

Though by no means not exclusive to men, you’ll likely see more bros sporting it today than laydeez. Here are some of the iterations you’ll see, and what they say about the bro:

Navy polo/seersucker shorts: “It’s hot and I like the color blue.”

Green seersucker/white polo/white hat/white belt: “I am an aspiring PGA Tour player.”

Yellow polo/seersucker shorts/rainbow flip-flops: “I’m going to snort some adderall before daydrinking at the Standard Biergarten. Thank God for Goldman’s summer hours.”

Pink oxford/seersucker pants/navy blazer/loafers: “I enjoy having drinks at the waterfront with bros named Todd, Preston and Asher. I have chronic, early-onset erectile dysfunction due to inbreeding and substance abuse.”

Red t-shirt/seersucker shorts: “I’m a particularly obnoxious Nationals fan” (this may or may not be what I’m wearing right now), or “I’m a regularly obnoxious Phillies fan” (which is a redundant thing to say).

Madras blazer/white oxford/seersucker pants: “I’m at Foxfields/the Kentucky Derby,” or “I’m the fat, funny guy in my fraternity at Auburn.”

Light green polo/seersucker shorts/topsiders: “Fuck I am so hungover why did my mom want to do brunch this weekend?”

Full seersucker suit: “I am the shit,” or “I am a middle-aged lawyer in Savannah.” This look is tight, but bros should be advised to avoid pairing it with a madras bow tie and saddle shoes unless watching polo, playing croquet or attending some other “ironically olde-tymey” event.

Note – this list is exhaustive; do not attempt to add to it. Happy National Seersucker day, betches.


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