If you say more than five words to me before I’ve had my #54 Iced Coffee, you can expect to be greeted with my driest resting betch voice and a serious eye roll. All betches can relate. Let’s be real, we all have a ton in common—maybe even too much. But while it might be true that we pretty much use the same words, quote the same movies, shop at the same stores, and care about the same things, betches’ morning routines tend to differ. If you think what you do before you leave the house in the morning has nothing to do with your personality, think again. Let’s discover what kind of betch you are based on your morning routine.
The first type of betch we’ll be talking about rolls out of bed at 1pm, after having spent an exhausting morning repeatedly hitting the snooze button. Her mom might call her lazy, her boss might call her incompetent, but we call her chill. The brunch menus may have been put away an hour ago, but the chill betch isn’t even close to leaving the house. Her routine consists of a mascara brush and the Starbucks app. As she leaves the house, she rummages through her Balenciaga tote that’s messier than the bed she slipped out of five minutes before, finding the paper she was supposed to turn in last week. She’ll obviously hand it in like she does everything else in life, fashionably late and at her convenience. Although this betch barely has a daily routine, the way she starts her day basically tells us other staples of her life, like the lack of guys' numbers she has saved in her phone and the amount of J’s she’ll be hitting later today.
The next type of betch wakes up in the morning with a bigger smile on her face than the time Kelly Ripa was on the mat next to her at hot yoga. She exfoliates, moisturizes, and stretches, while still in her silk Wildfox pajama set with some French writing across the back of the shorts.
This betch is crunchier than the vegan granola she’ll be putting on her vanilla chia pudding, right after she enjoys her matcha tea, sweetened with raw coconut sugar. Her bathroom counter is filled with organic calendula creams from Indonesia and her recycling bin is filled with BluePrint bottles from her last juice cleanse. This betch’s daily routine can basically be summed up by Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle blog, which she happens to read while waiting in line at #191 Whole Foods.
The final type of betch we’ll be discussing has checked Instagram, Snapchat, and stalked six Facebook accounts before her third alarm has even gone off. This betch’s AM routine is more structured than Karlie Kloss’ eyebrows during Paris fashion week, and her social media OCD is nothing compared to the rest of her busy morning. She washes up and perfectly applies her makeup, which will be redone after her pre-work #168 Soul Cycle stop (she obviously leaves class before the stretches to secure a spot in the shower line.) With a routine like this, this betch will probably become some version of Miranda Priestly one day. Her type A personality is stronger than the three shots of espresso she downs while replying to the six texts she got while she was in the shower. Oh, and it’s not even 7AM yet.