What To Pretend To Expect From College Football Championships This Week

College football is coming to an end. It’s a sad day for America, as we can no longer look at 18-year-olds in tight pants and disguise it as being sporty. Before the season comes to a close, however, the best of these collegiate teams will battle to the death this weekend weekend in a match-up of conference championships.

There will be laughter. There will be tears. There will be betches showing support with vodka sodas in hand. But there can only be one victor in each game. Here’s what to expect.

Pac-12: Arizona vs Oregon (9:00 PM EST)

These schools are both filled with betches, but that’s where the similarities end for these Pac-12 powerhouses. The University of Arizona is one of those schools that when you announced at your college graduation you were attending, all the parents in the crowd knowingly elbowed each other and reminisced about the glory days and laughed about how much “fun” you would have in school. Because it’s a hell of a party school. One of the best party schools, too, with warm weather year-round, and nothing else to do in Tuscon, Ariz., than drink. In recent years, Arizona hasn’t even been in a football school. Celebrating the victories has just become an excuse for the U of A betches to party even more.

Oregon, on the other hand, has been a good football school for a few years. And thank god, because what else is there to do in Eugene, Ore., than drink and smoke weed? The University of Oregon Ducks have the best uniforms in college football, because their alum is fucking Phil Knight who fucking CREATED Nike. Combine flashy uniforms, a school that loves its football, and one of the best quarterbacks in college, Marcus Mariota, and you have a team that should easily defeat Arizona and play for a national championship.

Winner: Oregon

SEC: Alabama vs Missouri (Saturday at 4 PM EST)

Roll damn Tide. In Alabama, babies come in to this world wrapped in houndstooth and holding a football. Football is life in Alabama, and coach Nick Saban is a god who miraculously pulls championships out of his asshole. He may be a robot and have no soul, but Saban is arguably the best coach in college football. He’s rebuilt the Alabama football program to nothing less of a dynasty. Like, if Alabama ever loses, nobody shuts up about it for weeks. So the betches in Tuscaloosa, Ala., have reason to tease an extra inch of volume in their hair and throw on those crimson dresses, because watching football as an Alabama fan isn’t just a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.

Missouri, on the other hand, is the little brother of the SEC. This school hasn’t even been in the SEC since Lindsay Lohan got her last DUI. So while the fans of Columbia, Mo., are celebrating a chance to travel to Atlanta and play for the beloved SEC Championship, the Tigers don’t really stand a chance. It’s a classic tale of David and Goliath, Edward versus Jacob, Amanda Bynes battling her sanity, and Alabama should easily win.

Winner: Alabama

ACC: Florida State vs Georgia Tech (Saturday at 8 PM EST)

Talk about dramatic, there is no other word that perfectly sums up the Florida State football team this season. Well, really starting with last season, when their Heisman-winning quarterback Jameis Winston was publicly accused of rape and got arrested for stealing crab legs from a Publix grocery store. Then this year, he was suspended for a football game for standing on top of a table on campus and yelling “Fuck her right in the pussy!” Which is hilarious. But I digress. Despite this constant drama, the Florida State football program just wins. And they’ve won 28 football games in a row. And they show no sign of stopping this weekend against a Georgia Tech team that can’t really complete with the powerhouse of FSU.

If Georgia Tech does win, however, America would be so happy, because Americans outside of the bath-salted state of Florida would love to see FSU fail. Because it’s easy to hate the best, right?

Winner: FSU

Big Ten: Wisconsin vs Ohio State (Saturday at 8:30 PM EST)

Talk about a Midwestern wet dream. Wisconsin fans are corn-fed, wholesome people that live and die by Wisconsin sports. Mascot Bucky the Badger is practically a God in some households. Speaking of gods, running back Melvin Gordon also deserves that title. He’s broken basically every Wisconsin, Big Ten and national rushing record this year. Children in Madison, Wisc., this year will be named “Melvin” after his unheralded success. But Melvin and the Badgers have a tough test against Ohio State this weekend.

Ohio State football is the number one priority in Ohio. And in recent years, they’ve become one of those teams you just always hear about when your boyfriend won’t shut the fuck up about college football. But they lost their star and prodigal quarterback J.T. Barrett last week to a season-ending injury, and the state of Ohio let out a communal sob. And while Ohio State fans are still in mourning, Melvin Gordon and the Badgers will capitalize on this devastating tragedy and should come out with a Big Ten Championship.

Winner: Wisconsin


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