What Are The Best Tips For Incoming College Freshmen? Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

I am heading to university in the fall and wanted to know if you had any tips for incoming freshman. What are some things you would tell yourself if you could go back? How did you meet most of your friends? I have had the privilege to attend countless social events throughout high school but am worried as I don't know anyone going to the same school as me in the fall!

Also, what are some good ideas for dorm room decorations that aren't tacky? Would you recommend dating older guys in university? Any tips about balancing school work, social events or even meeting new guys would be appreciated.


Miss Freshman

Dear Fresh Meat,

I'm going to freeball my ideas in no particular order. Hey, you asked for it.

1. Figure out if your college has like a medical amnesty program (that means if you get a free “get out of the hospital for getting alcohol poisoning underage” card).

2. Regardless, try not to end up in the hospital on the first weekend. People (like your parents) will remember.

3. Make friends with upperclassmen. Especially upperclassmen with cars.

4. Nobody gives a fuck about what your dorm room looks like. Stay away from Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Audrey Hepburn posters and you'll be fine.

5. Yeah, good fucking luck trying to date an older guy in college. I never took stats but I would say 80% of upperclassman guys just see freshman girls as new sources of ass who haven't been there long enough to know who's a huge man slut. The other 10% might find a freshman who they'll wife up immediately and before you know it, you're engaged before you ever got out your slutty phase.



6. Be selective. About the guys you make out with, the social events you attend, your classes, the shitty dining hall food you put in your mouth, everything.

7. Contrary to your drunken belief, when you make out with frat bros in the middle of the dance floor, people can see you.

8. Don't be a stranger to the gym.

9. If a frat house has a pool, you should probably stay away.

10. Everclear: seems like a good idea at the time; is never worth it.

11. Find out which of your classes have attendance policies, and actually go to those.

12. Just because you can have unlimited meals, doesn't mean you should.

13. You'll actually need to study for shit now.

14. You'll think you can wake up for 8:30am classes, no problem, since you woke up at 6am for high school. Don't kid yourself. You can't.

15. Do everything for the story value. That post-Halloween walk of shame dressed as Ke$ha might be embarrassing at the time, but if you don't leave college with a treasure trove of hilarious stories, you've left with nothing.

Ugh, I'm feeling nostalgic now. Brb, gonna go shotgun a Keystone.

The Betches


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