It’s a scientific fact that most of the guys on The Bachelorette are fucking clowns. Except for Dean, of course, who is a camo suit jacketed dream boy and can literally get it anytime he wants. Dean, please return my calls. But aside from our beloved Deanie Baby, 90% of the guys are either psychotic, there for the wrong reasons, or both. This season Lucas, better known as Whaboom, was right at the top of the crazy list. But if you thought that Monday night’s Men Tell All episode was the last you would hear of him, buckle up. And before we get into this, I just want to apologize. Before reading this article you lived in a world where the Men Tell All was a two-hour snooze-fest punctuated by a legitimately enlightening conversation about racism. In your mind, the men gathered together to drag Lee, talk about how Rachel broke their hearts, and go home to collect that sweet, sweet ABC cash. But sadly, that’s not all that went down on the night of the Men Tell All, and we here at Betches are both legally and morally obligated to tell you about it. Again, we’re very sorry.
At some point, either immediately before or immediately after Anthony the Rhodes Scholar explained implicit racial bias to Lee, Lucas aka Whaboom Guy performed his own original rap song, accompanied by two
40 year-old escorts backup dancers. Lucas Someone has paid TMZ to publish leaked unaired footage of Whaboom’s performance, and it’s a god damn tragedy. The stuff that made the final cut was bad enough, but this is next level. I’m going to give you the opportunity to watch it now. If you can make it through 30 seconds with the sound on, you should sign up for one of those Iron Man competitions or some shit because you are strong as fuck.
And now you see why I had to apologize. Holy shit balls. That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and it immediately begs the question: At what point in the night did this go down? Like, was it before the conversation about racism, or after? Either way, it’s not a good look. In my mind, it went down like this:
Lee: That tweet was racist and I denounce it.
**Music immediately starts**
Announcer: And now presenting…MR. WHAAAAABOOOOOOOM
Lucas comes out wearing the 2008 douchebag uniform aka a wife beater and dark sunglasses. He has two ratchet backup dancers, but it’s unclear if there was really supposed to be choreography happening or if he just posted a Craigslist ad saying that he “needed women” and these two appeared. The song itself is like a reject track from a Pitbull album. He raps about how girls love him because he’s Mr. Whaboom, and then the chorus is some random girl just moaning the word Whaboom over and over again. At one point Lucas compares himself to Steph Curry, which is hilarious because Steph Curry definitely has no idea this show even exists.
The best part of the performance is how little everyone in the room cares. The man steps out to literally no applause. Zero. There are people in this world who applaud when a fucking plane lands, but not one person in this room could muster the energy to put their hands together for Whaboom. You can see Rachel and Chris Harrison having a conversation with each other on the couches like they’re at a Starbucks or something, and the other guys are actively trying not to pay attention while he basically grinds in their faces. Dean literally turns his beautiful baby back to the stage, which is exactly the right move. Honestly, I can’t figure out if I feel sorry for the people who had to watch this, or if I’m jealous of them for getting to see such an incredible shit show take place in person.
The second best part is that, according to TMZ, Lucas is totally shocked that ABC did not air this monstrosity. Like, he rewatched the tape and was like “I can’t see any reason why the company that owns Disneyland would not want to be associated with this,” and then ran to TMZ and
paid them to told them to publish it. Sorry Whaboom Guy, but when it comes to watching you perform or seeing Lee get dragged for being a racist and sexist loser, we’ll take the racist and sexist loser every time.