Brace Yourselves, Valentine’s Day Is Coming: Your Weekly Horoscope For February 12-16th

Aquarius betches better drink it up as this is the last week this year with the Sun in their sign. Venus has already jumped ship into Pisces, and the Sun and Mercury aren’t far behind. Fortunately for everyone , there’s a lot of energy and spontaneity to go around. Like, sure, Valentine’s Day is Wednesday and some of you may hate it and some of you may be fucking weird and love it, but at least everyone will have the energy to complain about it. Here’s what your weekly horoscope has in store for you.

Aries

You’re kind of all work and no play right now. Your nose is really to the grindstone, as they say. A Moon-Saturn conjunction in your job and career sector will bring on some serious feelings about your goals and whether you’re on track to reach them. You might feel a little discouraged about where you are in life as you see 17-year-old snowboarders win gold medals while you’re eating lady Doritos on the couch. Realizing that you fucking hate the cold and exercising will put things in better perspective.

Taurus

This week, Pluto will encourage you to shed anything that’s holding you back from reaching your full potential. The Moon’s position in relation to Uranus will trigger a sudden insight out of the ether which will allow you to make snap decisions that will better you down the road. So if your Valentine’s Day turns out to be super disappointing because your boyfriend ignores you most of the day, gets too drunk at dinner, and then spends the rest of the night puking in your bathtub, your weekly horoscope says it might be a sign.

Principal Duvall Mean Girls

Gemini

The New Moon eclipse in Aquarius this week awakens your ability to be your own guide. I mean, you should still read your weekly horoscope and all, but you’ll have a pretty good idea of what you want out of life. Since you’ve got your shit figured out, you can bless others with your thoughtful and well-intentioned advice. Just be forewarned—everyone basically hates Valentine’s Day so others will be testy around Wednesday. Tread lightly when you tell your bestie that the names she picked out for her hypothetical future kids with a guy she just started dating are stupid.

Cancer

Romantic things might feel fucking heavy this week. A Moon-Pluto merger in Capricorn is stirring up some dark feelings about where you stand with commitment. Since Pluto will make you want to go on an emotional purge, be careful not to air your grievances during your V-Day dinner. Seriously, all Brian wants to do is have a nice dinner and maybe get a BJ before bed. Having a deep discussion about where the relationship is headed long-term can wait until Thursday.

Modern Family Phil And Claire

Leo

This is the last week the Sun is in direct opposition to your sign. Thank fucking god. This is a time where your efforts will result in big successes or big failures. Of course, when you fail, you can do so quietly. Only you mom and your roommates need to hear you cry about what went wrong. Look on the bright side: at least you’re not an Olympic athlete who crashes and burns durning an event they trained their entire life for. Who fucking wants to answer to thousands of assholes on Twitter who mumble, “I could do that” between sips of Coors light? Not me.

Virgo

You’re not in the best place with your relationship thanks to an unfortunate Moon-Pluto mashup. You’re likely to view your relationship, or lack thereof, through a lens of dissatisfaction. Don’t let your perfectionism cloud your judgement of what’s realistic. Life isn’t always like the movies, Virgo. Well, sometimes it is, but more like one of the long, boring ones that gets nominated for a bunch of awards but nobody actually sees. So maybe life is like a movie, just not a rom-com that Kate Hudson or Meg Ryan would star in.

Your Life Is Not A Romantic Comedy

Libra

The Moon in your home sector will make you want to nest in the week ahead. You might get emotional about where your life is headed while you picture the type of home you want to build for your family in the future. Do you feel like your biological clock is ticking or something else gross like that? Don’t freak out and make an appointment with one of those egg freezing places. Take a deep breath and don’t worry about dying alone in a sad apartment. If you feel the need to create a more inviting home and living space, that’s what a trip to the home goods section of Target is for. Duh.

Scorpio

No one sleuths online like a Scorpio. The Moon in your house of intellect will awaken a sense of curiosity that might lead you down a path of examining someone’s history of Instagram likes or their Venmo payments and requests. Perhaps what you’re trying to discover is something you already know; you just want the proof. Is your name Cleopatra? Because you’re being the queen of denial. Quit searching for the evidence when you already know the truth, betch.

Parks And Rec Burt Macklin FBI

Sagittarius

You have very strong feelings about where you stand financially. You might get the urge to go to drastic measures to make more money or reduce your bills. No matter how bad things seem, there’s no reason for you to start stripping or join a multi-level marketing scheme. (And if you need your weekly horoscope to tell you not to join an MLM, you might have bigger problems.) If you post one of those videos from your car where you show how much cash you just got from the bank for “posting ads on Facebook,” I will personally find you and punch you in the throat. It’s a scam. You’re stupid for believing it’s not.

Capricorn

The Moon and Pluto are merging in your sign. Your emotions might all boil to the surface or they could be buried deep underground. It basically all stems from a fear of being vulnerable and how you usually portray those feelings in your life. Sorry, that’s just what Pluto does to people. Maybe just avoid shit that makes you hyper-emotional during this time (i.e. animal videos on Facebook or drinking red wine). Hey, at least there’s a lot of chocolate and candy all around right now so you can bury your emotions in your stomach.

Corinne Olympios Eating My Feelings

Aquarius

The Moon-Pluto merger is shining a light into the depth of your psyche. You feel like you need to express an inner desire, but are afraid of being judged for it. Pluto is the planet of secrecy, so that totally makes sense. Valentine’s Day, or the day before, might be the time to casually mention to your significant other something you’ve been wanting to try in the bedroom but have been afraid to bring up. Other signs willing to be emotionally vulnerable will open your partnership to new connections and, hopefully, a lot more orgasms.

Pisces

Some intense feelings about a friendship or your group dynamic could bubble up this week. As your birthday approaches, you might have the desire to be super fucking ruthless about who makes the guest list. Don’t let your feelings this week make you burn bridges with life-long friends you’re somewhat annoyed with right now. Talking with someone insightful, or who’s better about knowing who to invite to create the most fun group dynamic, will give you a better perspective about the importance of your friendships.

 

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