If you or a bestie are tying the knot soon, there’s a ton of fucking questions and unwanted opinions floating in your life bubble. What kind of dress are you getting? How are you wearing your hair? Did you book a venue? What’s the groom wearing? Omg don’t wear tacky sneakers! Ew my cousin had those invites. Oh, you’re going with THAT for the entrée? Etc.
So, let’s tackle something that doesn’t involve anyone getting super pissed and the bride-to-be cursing out old Aunt Dee at the dinner table over which ribbons she should tie the bouquets with. What will you and your newly acquired man candy cut? A cupcake? A cake? Or a pie?
This one really boils down to season and cost, but let’s get one thing out of the way: the days of multi-tiered white wedding cakes are gone. Even more, multi-tiered wedding cakes with white frosting and a little couple at the top are hella tacky. Like come on, this isn’t 1995. Plus, those cakes can run into the THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. They usually don’t even taste that great. They’re boring, and I can’t tell you the amount of guests I’ve seen turn their noses up at a big, hulking slab of white on white cake.
Cakes that are acceptable are the new uber chic naked cakes, featuring a smattering of frosting, flowers, and the occasional fruit garnish. Not only are they stylish, they can be flavored for anything. We recently saw flavors ranging from pumpkin spice (for you basic bitches) to chai to blackberry to malted chocolate. Remember, you only really need a tea cake size for you and hubby to slice into, but you can also do a multi-tiered naked cake.
Cupcakes are overdone. EVERYONE does cupcakes now. This shit was groundbreaking maybe three years ago but, now, it’s kind of blasé in the same way the Kardashians are. I mean yah, you can have a cupcake mountain with several flavors, but I’m already bored. Give me fillings and textures and shit. This isn’t a sweet 16, it’s a wedding. If you managed to fill said cupcakes with like, alcohol, though, we’d be a bit more on board.
Pies are pretty fucking hipster; that being said, they’re not a terrible idea for a fall or winter wedding. You know Uncle Ned fucking loves pumpkin pie while your sorority sisters are known for their love or chocolate– it’s kind of a way to please everyone without a) breaking the bank or b) being too formal. You could even do hand pies for a mobile treat.
Ultimately, like everything at a wedding, you won’t please everyone. You have to just say FUCK YOU IT’S MY DAY and go with what you like. That being said, we always appreciate a combination of treats on the dessert table. Think of asking relatives to makes their famous brownies/cookies/pies/truffles to serve alongside your ugly white wedding cake, chic naked cake, or overdone cupcakes. You could even do a Viennese table (and if you had to Google that, just know you’re not classy enough to pull it off anyway). Shit, you and your new husband could even rip a shot each of something like Rumchata instead of cutting a cake. Really, it’s up to you – just know we’re judging.