205. Waxing

Once upon a time, every betch's mom sat her down for “the talk.” One of the most important moments between mother and daughter, our #37 betchy moms told us what we needed to know: we'd never forget our first time because it'd fucking hurt, but as our gay BFFs know, it gets better. Above all our mothers told us it was crucial that, when the time came, we made sure to do it with the right person.

So thanks to our mothers, every betch enters puberty knowing that waxing is a given.  Every betch is doing it, and if you're not then you're weird, possibly #47 love the environment, and might be a vegetarian for real.

Sure waxing is about the least fun a betch can have while she's naked, but it's necessary. Why? Because if Missoni wanted hair sticking out the sides of their bikinis, they'd have made them that way, God Karen. Because it feels cleaner and the best waxes are elite and expensive. Also, thanks to porn, the guys that we handpick to fuck  just want to feel like they're in the sack with something that looks prepubescent, obviously. I feel like he really likes me for what my body looked like at 13. Either way, we can't expect him to keep it clean if we don't. If I wanted someone to floss my teeth for me I'd call my fucking hygienist.

Waxing is a quick way to lose a little weight in a world where every ounce counts against us. The importance of the right waxist cannot be overstated. Arguably the most selective you will ever need to be with somebody who sees you in the nude, your waxist should be a delicate balance between really cool and somebody we'd absolutely never fucking see in the real world. Does that even exist? In other words, she needs to be funny and entertaining so we're distracted, but not talk so much that we're like, “Why won't this bitch shut up? Oh right, because she's currently slow torturing me with hot wax.” She also needs to be speedy about the whole process, which mainly entails not being scared of us or pausing when we threaten to call our father, the INVENTOR of toaster strudel, if she doesn't finish this shit right now.

The same goes for our #113 eyebrows. A betch can never be too careful who she lets touch them, lest she ends up without any left. We're not about to let somebody licensed to paint our nails via a paper certificate from the 90s leave their mark on our brows. Like all things in life, betches go to the pros.

Once a betch finds a good waxist, she usually makes it exclusive except in cases of dire emergencies and travels far and wide to visit her, despite huge inconveniences or thousands of miles. But Mom, I just like really wanna come home for Arbor day! …so I can go to my appointment with Lisa.

As for other parts of our bodies, waxing is situationally necessary. A moment of silence for our Indian betches. Beauty is laser hair removal.

NO: male waxists, any sort of pubic hair design, post-wax vagazzle
YES: hard wax over soft wax, every six weeks or less, xanax

So betches, get waxed. It's like, the rules of feminism.


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