Surprise! ‘Waist Trainers’ Are Fucking Useless

Sure as you’re born, sure as the sun rises, some unscrupulous huckster is looking to take your money by selling a bullshit product that claims to make you irresistibly sexxxy. Thigh masters. Juice cleanses. The latest “fitness” fad is “waist training,” a practice promoted by celebrities of ill repute. It’s literally just wearing a corset, but that doesn’t stop thousands of idiots on Reddit and Instagram by posting pictures of themselves wearing the tortuous devices.

Hey, guess what — it’s all bullshit.

“If I were to take a rubber band and wrap it around my finger tightly and leave it there for an hour, I’m going to have this indentation in my soft tissue, but it’s not going to be permanent. An hour later, my finger is going to look normal again,” spinal surgeon Dr. Paul Jeffords told USA Today.

What’s more, the stupid things can be dangerous, as they apply pressure to your ribs and squish your organs into unnatural positions. And unlike the false promise of a slimmer physique, the damage is both real and potentially long-lasting. The worst thing about all of this is that a doctor wrote a treatise exposing the dangers of too-tight waist trainers — in 190-fucking-5.

If you want a slimmer waist, eat healthy foods that are rich in nutrients but scant on calories. If you want to “train” your “waist area,” do burpees and wind sprints and squats and pushups until you can hardly breath and feel that you may become dead, and then repeat.

Just don’t use a corset to turn your organs into pudding.


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