Everyone knows that the VMAs are a hot mess, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. After all, this is the same show that has brought us countless amazing moments over the years: Britney with the snake, Britney kissing Madonna, trainwreck Britney pole dancing…and maybe there have been some memorable moments without Britney but honestly who the fuck cares. This year’s VMAs didn’t disappoint, so buckle up.
After the Miley Cyrus LSD trainwreck that was last year’s show, MTV decided to go without a host this year, which was probably wise. No one gives a shit anyway, so it ends up being like 12 outfit changes that really just eat into time we could be watching the Final Five taking selfies with all the big stars in the audience. Seriously, we should’ve just done gymnastics because we could be so famous right now.
This year, Rihanna won the Video Vanguard Award, which is basically the VMA lifetime achievement award. Rihanna skipped the red carpet like the stoner betch she is, but she made up for her absence with a sick medley, again reminding us that she’s hotter/chiller/a better dancer than we ever will be. Everyone loves Rihanna.
Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj performed their new song “Side To Side” together, and Ariana wore a bubblegum pink outfit that Rihanna definitely would’ve worn better. She started the performance on a spinning bike, and honestly how dare she make us think about SoulCycle when we were already five glasses of wine deep?
One of the most hyped segments of the night was Kanye West’s…performance? MTV gave Kanye four minutes of broadcast time to do whatever the fuck he wanted, and literally no one knew what to expect. It ended up being a speech in which he talked a lot about himself and *not so* casually referenced Taylor Swift being a little asshole at least twice. Probably the best moment was when he shouted out Amber Rose in the audience, while Kim just smiled because we all know KIM WON. He also compared himself to Henry Ford, because inventing cars is cool? Btw, the speech ended up being six minutes, because four wasn’t fucking enough.
Noticeably absent was Ms. Swift, who is probably still trying to get her story straight on what happened with the whole Kanye situation. She’ll resurface in a few months with a new bullshit story, or maybe a new nose or something. Whatever, we didn’t miss her tbh because she’s never actually scandalous or interesting enough to make a splash at the VMAs.
But really, this night was about Beyoncé. In case you forgot, she put out her second visual album, Lemonade, earlier this year, which deserved to win pretty much all the awards, and it did. Bey, who seems like she would be too good for an MTV awards show, embraced it and performed a FIFTEEN MINUTE medley of songs from the album, which involved multiple costume changes and hitting the camera with a baseball bat. Beyoncé might try a little too hard, but at least she gets awards out of it. When we try too hard, we just get over-edited profile pictures that will hopefully make our high school boyfriends jealous. So like same, Beyoncé.
This year was also supposed to be Britney Spears’ “triumphant return” to the VMA stage, but MTV completely did her wrong by scheduling her performance right after Bey’s life-changing segment. Brit did her job and her body looks I N C R E D I B L E, but she’s never going to be able to follow a 15-minute Bey medley. Shame on MTV for setting sweet, fragile Britney up to look so bad.
Okay, so that was a lot to type/think about, so I’m going into hibernation. Wake me up when it’s Oscar season, or if Rihanna and Drake finally fucking get married.