An In-Depth Analysis Of Vanity Fair’s Hollywood Issue Cover

President D. Trump would be super bummed to hear this, but for the second year in a row, a group of women are on the cover of the annual Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue! And that cover was even shot by a woman (Annie Leibovitz)! Who would have known that when they are not menstruating—aka when blood is not coming out of there wherevers—these dogs can stand still and look hungry/bored!

We’ve got Emma Stone, the Fanning sisters, Natalie Portman, and Lupita Nyong’o , just to name a few. The only one whose presence really doesn’t make sense is Dakota Johnson. But thanks to nepotism, there she is.

Amy Adams and Natalie Portman’s aesthetic in the back is very “we’re too old for this shit.” Love that for them. Respect.

Even Natalie’s baby is over it/wants to go home.

Lupita’s like “Hey they only put me on the cover and not the fold-in part with the other girls because I’m one of the few black actresses that white people recognize besides Queen Latifah.” Welcome to 2017. Racism is a thing of the past, we swear.

Emma’s probably thinking about Ryan Gosling’s dick. (Same.) (Omg how good was La La Land?!) (Sike. Fuck you.)

At least the Fanning sisters look chill and like they’ve never seen the sun and/or a calorie. However, here to bring that vibe down is Ruth Negga’s posing difficulty. Give the woman a stool or something to lean on. She looks v uncomfortable next to the Fanning sisters and they literally haven’t had a carbohydrate since 2004.

Aja Naomi King and Janelle Monae are in the back of the final page, probably wondering why they were even a part of this whitewashed Hollywood consumerist BS anyway. Greta Gerwig looks like the poor man’s Kristen Stewart, and maybe like she just threw up? To to top it all off, Dakota Johnson is like “Wait, why am I here? I made a soft-core porno with Jamie Dornan and even I know that I don’t deserve this.”

Whatever. It’s all still irrefutably better than the 2015 issue, wherein Channing Tatum was shoulder humped by Amy Adams. Never forget.


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