Another Monday, another episode of Vanderpump Rules. Last week’s episode wasn’t super exciting, but then again, the season premieres rarely are. We did learn Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, and don’t even come at me like “Well, we don’t know it’s true yet.” It’s Jax. That shit is true. Also I’d like to add that as I edit this recap I am running on three hours of sleep because I was up half the night thinking to myself, “Poor Brittany. She really didn’t deserve this.” So don’t ever accuse me of being unfeeling *angrily glares at my ex and my therapist* But enough about me (for now). Let’s get into this episode.
We open at Scheana’s birthday party with Kristen outside yelling at Faith to talk to Brittany.
I love that Jax refutes these rumors by saying “I didn’t do anything!” and not “I didn’t do IT.” That’s how you know he’s lying. I should work for the FBI.
Lisa’s like, “I never believe what I hear unless it’s about Jax.” Same.
Meanwhile, James asks Jax if he did it, and Jax is like, “Come on, man.” ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION.
Kristen says “Jax can suck my motherfucking dick. I wanna ram my stiletto up his asshole.” Kristen, leave the overly specific threats of violence to Stassi. You can’t pull it off.
Scheana is berating Jax (because we all know he did it), and Sandoval’s version of sticking up for Jax is to say to Scheana, “You didn’t see penetration, you don’t know what happened.” Ironclad defense, Sandoval. Someone get him a law degree.
The next day (or some day later), Ken buys Lisa a Rolls-Royce. I don’t really have any commentary here, except to ask if Ken would be willing to take a second, much younger and poorer, wife.
Stassi: If being good at sex gets you a Rolls-Royce, I must be really bad at sex.
Same. I guess Lala is pretty fucking good then? Is that what the whole “Give them Lala” thing is about? It’s all starting to make sense…
Anyway, Stassi is visiting Lisa because she wants to get into event planning. We’ve really come a long way from “You HATE me, Lisa.”
Stassi: Jax is so lucky I wasn’t at Scheana’s party, because I’ve always wanted to impale someone and have their head on a spike and keep it in my apartment.
See Kristen? That’s how you threaten someone. Take notes. Clearly Stassi has been watching Parks and Rec.
After commercial break, we open at Chez Bubba, where Brittany comes in crying and the first thing out of her mouth is, “What a thirsty little bitch.” Honestly I’m not sure if she’s referring to Jax or Faith.
Katie: IDK why Jax does this. I just think he has a serious problem.
YA THINK? Wow. While we’re handing out honorary degrees, let’s give Katie a fucking PhD in Psychology.
Just when Brittany calls herself a single person, Jax knocks on the door in a not-at-all staged moment. Honestly, not much to report here except that Jax is still being a piece of shit. At one point Brittany says, “I can’t believe you’d do this for me after all I’ve done for you!” and Jax starts to say “What about everything I’ve done for you?” Dude. Read the room.
James rolls up at Pump (or SUR? I can’t keep track. They’re the same place.) with Raquel, who is wearing daisy dukes while asking Lisa for a job. The guys on this show are trash. Tell your girlfriend to put on some damn pants for a job interview, because Lisa doesn’t play games!
Lisa: Well, what do you do?
Raquel: *30 seconds of silence, probably contemplating if “breathing every time I remember to” is an answer to that question* What do you mean?
Lisa: Like… for work.
Actual footage of Lisa:
Raquel is studying kinesiology at school? Nope. Sorry. No way. I don’t even know what kinesiology is, and I’m too lazy to look it up, but seeing as it ends in -ology and is not cosmetology, I’m gonna have to say it’s too advanced for Raquel. *Braces self for onslaught of cosmetologists in the comments* I’m just saying, it does not require a science degree.
James takes this opportunity to ask for a job, and Lisa gives it to him! Just when I said Lisa doesn’t take shit. Come on, Lisa. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you!
Sandoval, Schwartz, Ariana, Ariana’s brother, etc. are celebrating somebody’s birthday. How are all these people born within a two-day span of each other? Was this a requirement for being on the show?
How have I never noticed that Ariana and Jeremy are exactly the same person? Literally, they have the same face. It is eerie.
Okay I love Logan, being like “Faith may be in the wrong, but she’s not the one in the relationship.”
Brittany comes home and goes straight to her room. Jax barges in, ignoring Brittany’s boundaries (again), and after a little back-and-forth screaming, JAX ADMITS HE CHEATS!!!
Me, the entire world except Brittany:
Jax: In the past I’ve gone through months of denial, but now I only denied it for a few days. I’m a changed man.
I’ll alert Dr. Phil.
Ugh Brittany is the sweetest, she really doesn’t deserve this. UGH SHE’S CRYING INTO THE PUPPY AND NOW I’M CRYING.
I feel like it’s weird that everyone’s saying Faith is Brittany’s friend when I don’t think they’ve ever been showed conversing on camera. Anyone else?
Back at this birthday party, Schwartz is wasted on the phone with Jax and crying for no discernible reason. Schwartz is me: crying while day drinking because he realizes he has no drive or ambition. Sandoval comes over to comfort him and HE starts crying, like, “You’re my best friend, I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.” Sandoval, getting a real job is not considered “something bad happening to you”. Just so ya know.
Sandoval is crying so hard that he smeared his foundation.
Aw, now Brittany is calling her mom crying. Damn it, why did nobody tell me I needed wine and chocolate for this episode? Dis tew much. *Grabs raw cookie dough from the freezer*
Okay, the waterworks fest is over. It’s Long Beach Pride, and I really hope Scheana will sing another song. But so far it’s just Lisa and Ken driving their car through the parade. This is thoroughly uneventful. Although I wonder if this is the same Pride parade that this girl on Reddit wrote about meeting all the SURvers and then Ariana went on a Twitter rant about because the girl said she wasn’t nice in-person?
I spend too much fucking time on Reddit. Kind of embarrassed, but also shouts out to the r/BravoRealHousewives sub, where I often lurk.
This Pride parade is looking like a House of Yes sex party, with spanking stations and shit. Color me shocked that Sandoval isn’t into BDSM.
Ariana: Tom and I have a lot of issues that we need to work on, and by “work on” I mean “I hope to beat those issues out of him.”
Stassi’s getting ready to go on a date with Patrick.Kristen is like, “I can’t wait to start planning Stassi and Patrick’s wedding,” and, “I love love love love Patrick.” Can I just replay this on loop from now until the episode Patrick dumps Stassi?
Brittany shows up back to work, talking about how she goes from really mad to sad and back and forth, and Scheana’s like “Oh I know me too, that was me six months ago.” First of all, stop making this about you. Second of all, you were so sad you ran into Rob’s arms like, four days later? K. K. That was not a typo, I just really needed to repeat my disbelief.
From the three seconds of Patrick I’ve seen so far, I do NOT get the hype about this dude. He has the appearance of a hipster and the attitude/voice/mannerisms of a dudebro. Ughhh he’s the worst.
Patrick: You’re a really good person who is batshit crazy and uber talented. I hang out with you everyday and I’m still not sick of you.
Stassi: That’s like some Notebook shit.
I guess romance isn’t dead, kids.
Basically, Stassi and Patrick are arguing because he’s like, “first rule of going on a break is you don’t talk about what happened when you were on a break.” Okay, Ross.
Back at Sur, Sandoval is telling Jax that Ariana bought a whip. Because Sandoval isn’t whipped enough. Hey-o!
Brittany comes up to the bar and I’m living for the way she ignores the shit out of Jax. Let that be a lesson to you ladies. If Brittany can ignore her asshole ex-boyfriend when she’s two feet in front of him, you can refrain from texting Fuckboy Alex when you’re two vodka sodas deep. (You know who you are.)
Nope. I take it all back. Brittany slept with Jax, so y’all go ahead and text Alex. Whatever, I’m not gonna crucify the girl. Relationships are messy. Say what you want about Brittany (which I have for like, the past two seasons), but she seemed extremely distraught—if she was acting, get her an Oscar. And like, poor thing. She’s the sweetest country bumpkin who’d never hurt a fly, and Jax committed the worst form of betrayal. Brittany of all people didn’t deserve this. Now if you need me, I’m about to light Jax’s mentions tf up. Until next time.
