‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: This Is Why We Need Sex Ed

If you’re reading this Vanderpump Rules recap on Tuesday, it means that you tuned into Vanderpump Rules last night and not the finale of The Bachelor, and I commend you on your dedication. Join me in the club of people who won’t know WTF anybody at work and on Twitter is talking about tomorrow.

We open with an unnecessarily long preamble about this Vegas trip. We get it; Lisa is going, the Toms are going, Jax is inviting himself even though he shouldn’t. Does this need to take up a full 10 minutes of my time?

Meanwhile Lala and Scheana go to a studio where Scheana used to record with Shay.

Me: *waits patiently for Scheana to insult her ex-husband and his manhood*

It takes about three seconds for Scheana to be like “I used to come here with my ex, so today’s going to be a lot better because I’m not with me ex BECAUSE I’M WITH A MUCH BETTER GUY NOW AND MY EX SUCKS.” I paraphrase, but barely.

I just need to point out that one of the people in this studio is named “BLK Elvis.” Idk, that makes me not want to live in this world.

Scheana is still complaining about the very true things Jax is saying. She says “You have to take what Jax says with the smallest grain of salt possible.” Ok but wouldn’t you take it with the biggest grain of salt possible if you’re implying that Jax is a liar? See, Jax isn’t the only one who botches common expressions.

Nothing interesting happens in the entire first few scenes in Vegas. I didn’t forget to write about it; there’s just nothing to write.

Scheana, Lala and Billie go out for a drink, and I hope that Billie gets to talk about something other than being trans. Ok she talks about yoga and her ex and it seems promising and….nope, she and her ex broke up because he “couldn’t get over that she used to have a penis” and that’s all she says for the rest of the episode. Ughhhhh what’s like the LGBTQ version of the Bechdel test? Like, if an LGBTQ person can appear on screen without talking about their LGBTQ status? Because Vanderpump Rules would fail it. If this test doesn’t exist, I’m starting it now and we can call it the Betchson Test.

Scheana: Not to make this about me, but I never should have married Shay and now that I’m with Rob I know how right we are together and…wait what were you saying again, Billie?

Lala decides to have Stassi plan her song release party. So I guess her fake job is still a thing. But is Katie still Lisa’s fake assistant? I need to know. Consistency is key, bravo.

Lala is all of a sudden crying about James and saying she’d take a bullet for James. So Lala would take a bullet for James and Randall? That’s a pretty long list. People I would take a bullet for: Me.

In Vegas, Brittany comes into Ariana and Katie’s room to talk about how she’s been throwing up a lot lately and to take a pregnancy test. BRITTANY DOESN’T TAKE BIRTH CONTROL?? Oh my god are you kidding? What year is it? She and Jax just pull out???? Ohhh my fucking god. It’s like Jax learned nothing from that random girl he got pregnant in Vegas! Guys, I can’t handle this. I need to pop some Lipitor, I’ll be right back.

The girls join the guys at the casino or wherever tf they are, and Brittany is telling Jax that she keeps getting sick. Brittany hands him a pregnancy test and Jax’s life flashes before his eyes.

Actual quote from Jax: Brittany can’t be pregnant, I pull out every time! I’m very careful. Well, I don’t pull out *every* time. Maybe like 75%.

I’m weeping. This is why we need sex ed.

Just then, the realization that the test is negative washes over Jax while katie, Tom and Ariana pop out of the woodwork like the worst fucking surprise party ever. 

Stassi meets up with Lala to talk about her party and the two of them hug?? This group gives me whiplash.

If you don’t get the reference, you’re too young to be reading this site.

Stassi: I used to hate Lala but now I need the screen time see myself a lot in her.

I love that Stassi is the event planner but Lala is coming up with all the ideas, like naming all the cocktails after her songs.

Lala: It just feels amazing to spread my legs and be the person I am musically.

What a Freudian slip.

Lala brings up the “James was coming for me” story. If I have to hear this turn of phrase one more time, I am going to fucking lose it. James did not “come for” you. He’s not a lion charging at his prey. He is not a kidnapper preparing to abduct you. He merely insulted you. Is that so hard???

Any-fucking-way. Lala’s like “how do we make it so James can’t have one sip of alcohol until he’s done with his job?” Stasi and Lala are both stumped, but like, to me the solution seems easy: tell all the bartenders that they are not allowed to serve him. Print out a picture, wall of shame style, if you need to. This is not that hard??

Crazy Pills

There are robot bartenders at this casino in Vegas. Forget about the immigrants, it’s the robots that are gonna steal all our jobs.

Schwartz sounding like Dua Lipa with all his rules. “One glass of water for every beer. If I lose 1,000 I’m out. No going to the ATM. You’re only gonna wake up drunk and alone.”

Geez, and Schwartz is out here with the Freudian slip here too, saying he and Sandoval “jerk off.” He claims he meant to say “jerk around” but we all know what he really meant.

Jax is pulling a Rachel Green, being low-key upset that Brittany isn’t pregnant.

Too dark?

Brittany says she thinks Jax would be a good dad but she’d take care of everything. Okay, brace yourselves because I’m gonna need a good five minutes to gather my thoughts. Actually, I don’t need that long. If your husband isn’t doing anything to parent and you have to pick up all his slack, that’s the definition of a bad father. Well, one of many definitions. But still a definition. Brittany, don’t do it! I will literally FedEx you my birth control pills. I’ll sacrifice myself for the greater good of humanity, I don’t even care.

Schwartz and Sandoval make it to this meeting with Ken and Lisa—on time, might I add. Lisa starts describing her vision for Tom Tom.

Lisa: Industrial. Sexy. Now. Derelicte.

Jax got Sandoval a guitar for his birthday. The last thing we need is Sandoval being like, “…Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.”

James is doing a photoshoot for See You Next Tuesday in a sparkly jacket and a red bowtie, looking like a sexy magician.

That cut to Scheana trying to sing “Yo yo yo yo yo” in the studio is painful and I never want to hear it again. But I kind of want to make it my ringtone. Ah, I’m conflicted.

JAMES IS SO SALTY. “It’s a shame Lala’s boyfriend can’t take a night off of eating steaks to support his girl. I would be supporting my girl I’m just saying.” James is like, one sentence away from being a Sam Smith song. 

At dinner, Sandoval and Schwartz are talking about how they’ve matured and they’re successful businessmen, but two seconds ago they set a 3am curfew when they have a very important business meeting the next day at 10am. And we know from previews they are going to miss said meeting, sooo I don’t even need to say anything.

Schwartz is trying to take bottle pulls to the face, so he’s already blacked out. These fucking idiots are both like “If the other guy says stop, I’ll stop.”

A portrait of these clowns:

Dude Where's My Car

The next morning, Lisa and Ken are at some meeting with Pandora at Caesar’s Palace, and predictably, both Toms are asleep.

Oh my fucking god, Schwartz and Sandoval are drinking Fireball before this meeting that they’re late to. HOW COULD YOU GET ANY STUPIDER? Like do you think Lisa is dumb? She can obviously tell you are still drunk from last night. And also from the pulls of Fireball you just took.

Oh of course they go to this all-glass business. I’m actually living for this—two drunk bulls in a crystal shop.

Actual dialogue from Tom and Tom: Oooo shiny!!!!

Tom: But what if we—

Lisa: STFU

I’m cringing so hard I might fold into my own belly button like fucking Stimpy. If you don’t get that reference, I’m just glad you had a far less scarring childhood than I did.

Schwartz is like “dude we’re being annoying let’s chill” and Sandoval is on the fucking warpath and tries to barge back into the meeting, only to get waved away like a fly. The episode basically ends with Sandoval walking back to Schwartz with his tail between his legs, but hey, and least both of them come off looking better than Arie Luyendyk Jr.!

 

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