Sandoval & Schwartz Have A Big, Lesbian Crush On Each Other: ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap

Catch up on last week’s recap here!

We return to our favorite band of psychopaths: the Vanderpump Rules cast. I for one am impressed that Bravo has managed to drag out this one bachelorette party for not one, not two, but THREE full episodes at this point. It’s like that time I took a fire selfie three years ago and still manage to use it as my profile picture today.

We begin this episode at 2:55am, the time of night when all good things happen.

Schwartz: I’m done with her. I’m done with Katie. I’m not marrying her.

^I bet my life savings he won’t remember this tomorrow.

Stassi’s upset she didn’t know that Schwartz fucked another girl and apologizes for not knowing something that happened to her former-ex-friend back when they were no longer friends. I’m not on drugs, that’s literally what happened. So.

Stassi: It’s really difficult to know that something bad happened to Katie and I didn’t know about it.

Because God forbid someone go through something without Stassi being involved.

I wish my will to live was as strong as Ariana’s eyebrows rn.

Scheana And Ariana

I can’t really take Sandoval seriously while he’s yelling about Scheana putting her finger in his face while wearing full dramatic drag queen eye makeup.

Katie: I’m probably the dumbest woman on the planet.

Well maybe not the entire PLANET…

Schwartz walks into the room, slurring his words.

Katie: I know you fucked a girl in Vegas.

Schwartz: Yeah, but you’re also a bitch.

He slurs something about “I wish Katie had cheated on me” and leaves. I think I speak for all of us when I say: Huh???

Kristen: If I could slit Sandoval’s throat then Schwartz wouldn’t act like this anymore.

Uh.

That Escalated Quickly

Stassi’s still crying to Katie over not knowing about these cheating rumors. This is like when your boyfriend says some fucked-up shit to you and then you end up comforting him because he just feels so bad that he upset you.

I can’t believe Jax is the one advocating for Tom to apologize. Is 2017 officially Opposite World? And y’all MFs just couldn’t wait for 2016 to end. I tried to tell you.

Katie does the smartest thing she’s done all season and tells Schwartz he’s too drunk to be having a conversation, which is extremely appropriate considering Schwartz just took a sip of Coors Light and then spit it out directly after because he seemingly forgot how to swallow. (No homo.)

Schwartz: My eyeballs are chill.

I have no commentary, I just thought that quote was hilarious.

How the fuck are Jax and Brittany the most sober people on this trip?

Raise your hand if you’d like to formally retire the phrase “Dark Side” from this show forever.

Raising Hands

Schwartz waking up after a blackout being like “what happened to my underwear?” is honestly my memoir. Out next month.

I wonder if the cameras just happen to be there when they all wake up or if they have to shoot separate “waking up” scenes?

Is Sandoval really calling Tom and Katie toddlers while he’s sporting a two-inch ponytail?

Scheana and Shay are talking shit about Katie and Tom like her marriage is so perfect.

Spoiler: Scheana & Shay Are Getting Divorced


Shay: They just need to be honest with each other.

SAYS THE GUY WHO LIED ABOUT BEING ADDICTED TO OXYCONTIN.

Scheana: What are you gonna do, empty out my bank account lol?

Shay: Haha I’d never do that lols… *under his breath* shit.

Meanwhile, back with Katie & Co…

Stassi: I wasn’t there for the Vegas girl saga so now I’m really struggling to figure out how to make this all about me.

Who is this new Sur hostess who’s apparently been working for a year and a half? Is being a server really a “promotion”? Also, who just randomly walks up to their boss to ask for a promotion? Schedule a meeting like a damn professional.

I feel like you shouldn’t be talking about how scared you are and how you want to run away at your own bachelor party.

Stassi told her grandma she’s so hungover she keeps puking. I have nothing else to say about this grandma bit. She seems like a sweet lady.

Jax: Sometimes in a relationship you have to suck it up and say you’re sorry. Not in my relationship tho.

Katie: I need at least 20 more hours of sleep.

^Me at all times.

Katie: I hate that we’re fighting but at least for once Tom looked like the psychopath and it wasn’t me.

Side Eye

It’s the little things, I guess.

Schwartz goes to Katie and is like “why are we fighting? Bc honestly I don’t remember.”

Schwartz keeps denying that he fucked a girl in Vegas and is like “Well you were a nightmare for the first 2-3 years I dated you.”

SO WHY DID YOU KEEP DATING HER?? Like … if someone is horrible, you don’t suck it up for four years AND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE …. just …. I ….

Crazy Pills

Tom is pulling a Corinne and spraying whipped cream directly into his mouth mid-discussion.

I feel like “agree to disagree” is not the way to put cheating rumors to bed. Neither is a shot of vodka.

Hold up, does Sandoval shave his eyebrows? Actually, that’s probably like the least feminine thing he does. Carry on.

“Heavy drinking is usually what tears us apart. But also, it’s the glue that brings us back together” — Tom Schwartz and Donald Trump in his reelection bid, probably.

Honestly, now that Schwartz and Sandoval kissed I think they should just drop all the pretensions and run away and get married.

Scheana: I’m so glad I’m married and don’t have to make out with anyone who’s not my husband.

Also Scheana: Does a 3-way kiss with Kristen and Katie.

Sandoval walks outside to smoke a cigarette and Kristen immediately starts assaulting him with questions. Sandoval is like “Chill, I just went outside to smoke a cigarette” and Kristen’s like “Well too bad, you just stepped into the swamp.” I secretly wonder if that’s also what she’s nicknamed her vagina.

Apparently Sandoval warned Carter that Kristen cheated on him like, 3 billion times. Kristen’s like “Why would you talk shit about me?” Is it talking shit if it’s true?

Thinking

Kristen to Tom: Be cool, don’t be all…uncool.

I’m just gonna skip all this shit re: Lisa and the restaurant renovations. That cool with you guys? Cool.

Schwartz gives Katie a lap dance. For the record, he should not quit his day job and become a stripper. Now that I think of it, what is his day job?

Katie’s like “Tom and I have our problems but we just need to bottle them up before the wedding.”

Sure, I can’t imagine what ever could go wrong with THAT strategy!

How did Brittany get a giant bruise on her face? Wait, is that a drawing? Also, I’d be so mad if my boyfriend put my pasties on his face. Those things are expensive!

In Scheana and Shay’s room, Shay is talking for like, the first and only time all season.

Shay: Katie & Tom fight so much because you just can’t fight when you’re drunk. And also they don’t listen which I can agree with because—
Scheana: Hey can you hand me the steamer?
Shay: Yeah so like I was saying marriage is work and—
Scheana: Can you put that in my suitcase?

Poor Shay. His balls probably retracted into his body forever. 

Stassi makes out with Peter and was like “I kissed my ex this weekend,” but is Peter really Stassi’s ex? Like, they dated for a few months multiple years ago.

Schwartz: Katie and I don’t have time to fight. We’re just gonna bottle that shit up until the wedding.

Katie: I don’t have time to think about Tom cheating on me. I just wanna think about my flowers and my wedding.

The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 9

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