‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Murder & Blowouts

Stassi seventh wheeling amongst all her friends is literally my life. WELCOME. IT SUCKS.

Katie failing to open a Corona is also hungover me af.

Hey Katie, if Stassi of all fucking people says that she’s scared of you when you drink, you need help. 

OMG A PATRICK SIGHTING. It only took 3 years and 67 breakups.

Stassi’s Tinder bio would say “I love getting blowouts and spray tans and my exercise is shopping online.” However, Stassi and I could hang because I too am into murder.

Murder & Blowouts—my band name.

Brittany’s eating Cheetos and Pringles first thing in the morning. Same, girl.

Jax can’t even put together IKEA furniture, don’t criticize Brittany’s folding technique. STFU.

This RV vacation sounds fucking horrible. As much as I hate Long Island, I’ll take that shit any day.

Brittany is showering with used water bottles aka me at Bonnaroo. Gotta rock the inside-out French braids, girl. That’s the secret.

Kristen doesn’t know what WASP-y means and also doesn’t know what bougie means because she thinks it’s a good thing. This is what happens when white people co-opt phrases they didn’t invent. See also: Basic Bitch.

Kristen also thinks a crawfish boil is a luau. Where the fuck did she grow up? The woods??

Scheana doesn’t like clams because “eating with her fingers” is not her thing. I’m over this bitch. They could be like “Hey we’re all gonna go meet Ryan Gosling and win $1 million” and Scheana would be like “Oh I actually thought The Notebook and LaLa Land were overrated and I don’t want to pay the taxes on all that money soooo.”

I just realized Scheana is a literal human form of Debbie Downer.

Debbie Downer

I’ll pretend I know who Austin Dillon is. And Sandoval is getting his flat iron signed. Is he straight? Unclear. This could be why he and Ariana don’t have sex. I might be onto something.

Schwartz calls a huddle to make sure the girls are willing to flash a bouncer to get backstage. Get you a girl who can do both.

Scheana and Kristen are debating what to wear to this clam bake, as if Google doesn’t exist. Fucking look it up if you don’t know what the attire is. Are you two actually brain dead?

Lisa pulls the ultimate rookie mistake by talking shit about Stassi while Katie has her on speakerphone. True pro Lisa doesn’t even GAF though. Kween.

Stassi’s like “she didn’t even wish me happy birthday. On MY fucking birthday!” *eye roll*

Kristen being the only one in a black dress is v relatable. God damn it, why am I relating to these people?

I’m down with the Summer House plug. You best believe I’m writing that recap.

OK I’m low-key here for the hot ginger. What’s his name? Is Summer House having a premier party? Bravo, @ me.

Scheana says Monday is her favorite day of the week. Holy fuck bitch, how do you have any friends? I can’t believe I ever liked you.

Is Scheana honestly going to sit at the table without eating anything. And be annoying af about it.

I said biiitch

Yeah I’m with Stassi, Scheana is being hella rude. Aaaaaand brb gonna take a quick nap during this NASCAR scene.

Look at all the fucks I give

Hahahaha their one single toilet is clogged. Welp, I fucked up by eating during this show. Also why the fuck do they have a song about saving poop? Why does Ariana know the song? Just, WHY?!

Shouts out to Ariana’s eyebrows which are still looking fly as hell even through all the dirt and grime. Game recognize game.

Stassi said “it’s my birthday.” Drink.

Did Carl really ask Stassi if the carpet matches the drapes? Is he 7?


Stassi Schroeder

Hahahah Stassi thinks that Katie could have gone to grad school and gotten a PhD. Maybe in Tequila Drinking, sure.

I’m low-key a little salty over here that Stassi is going for my main man Kyle, but I have to respect it I guess. I’m also salty that Prosper from AYTO never matched me on Bumble, but uh, who’s keeping track.

Bless Brittany’s heart, acting like charcuterie is an elite French vocabulary word.

How much abuse is Brittany going to take from this asshole tho.

Jax: I don’t need relationship advice.

Me/the entire viewing audience of Vanderpump Rules:


Jax: One of the things I loved about Brittany is she was totally clueless because she was from nowhere-ass Kentucky and I don’t like that since she moved to LA she grew a backbone and has started standing up for herself.

Lala didn’t go on this trip and meanwhile unfollowed Ariana on Instagram and Twitter. This is beyond petty. That’s just childish. Why are you unfriending her when you’re the one who fucked up?

Peter’s bullshit tolerance for Lala is at negative when he talks to her. I kind of love it. And I am still not used to his clean-shaven face.

So Lala just dipped on the trip because she didn’t want to hang out with Jax. But Lala’s strategy for dispelling the married boyfriend rumors is to just chuck out a bunch of different rumors and lie that she’s dating various guys? Good plan. I literally don’t understand how Lala’s mind works. Just tell the truth, everyone will get off your back. Either that or you just make up one lie and stick to it, are you fucking dumb?

Lala’s trying to quit and Lisa’s like “grow the fuck up. You’re not quitting.” LMAO.

Lala hasn’t had a functioning relationship since she was 17 … why am I not shocked. *cough* daddy issues *cough*

I will watch Summer House just for Kyle. The recaps will be my love letters to him. Kidding not kidding.

I would love to see Kristen try to get a job in “business.”

Boom, roasted by omission, Katie & Kristen because you’re not one of Lauren and Ashley’s aforementioned “hot friends.”

Ariana’s trying to explain gender roles and misogyny to Brittany. SHE LITERALLY THINKS MISOGYNISTIC MEANS JAX GIVES HER MASSAGES.

I can't

Then again, understanding the definition of misogyny was probably a tall order for someone who doesn’t know what Malbec or a charcuterie board is.

Honestly I wonder if Brittany just doesn’t stand up for herself to Jax because she can’t articulate the words? I worry for her. Stay in school, kids.

Jax says his attitude is “just a part of life.”

Oh, Jax is like a textbook narcissist.

Brittany: I don’t feel appreciated.

Jax: I don’t feel appreciated. Sometimes I want a turkey sandwich and I get ham.

I think we’re watching emotional abuse in action and actually this has actually stopped being funny.

In Jax’s mind, not having a turkey sandwich sometimes is an equal offense to holding finances over someone’s head forever. This is what gaslighting and manipulation look like, in case you guys were wondering.

I didn’t realize they intentionally leave an extra glass out for Tequila Katie when they’re drinking. (1) WTF, she’s not Elijah (2) Why would you leave out extra alcohol for someone who you all think/acknowledge has a drinking problem?

Scheana: I hate girls’ trips

Really? We couldn’t tell. 

Wait is Kyle blond? IDK I would consider him more of a strawberry blond. 

Kyle forgot Stassi’s name. You’re done, bro. And he said her turtleneck reminds him of Steve Jobs. I’ll start writing your tombstone now.

Kyle’s way for standing up for himself is to say “it could be worse.” And Stassi is like “yeah it could be worse, you could be a serial killer.” And she’s also done because she brought up murder.

Lauren and Ashley: Kyle’s so smart

Kyle: *drunk eating Cheetos*

Summer House

Love that the other guy had to be the Frat Bro Translator and explain the turtleneck joke.

Kyle’s described as a “Ken doll doing tai chi under water” – I cannot wait for Summer House.

Stassi calls Kyle a douche while Kristen shrugs and takes some more wine to the face. Ditto.

Hold on, did Bravo just trick me into watching the premier of Summer House rn?

What is happening

Summer House Douche: Unlike those LA chicks, we have real jobs.

I mean, he’s not wrong.

Ok wait. I guess this is the Summer House premier? Looks like I’m doing a twofer recap? God damn, two hours of Bravo recaps. I don’t know if my brain cells will make it through. >>CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE TO OUR FIRST-EVER SUMMER HOUSE RECAP!


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