Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bring On The Dildos

I’m just gonna jump right in. Katie asks Lisa if she can have her engagement party at her house. Lisa is SO not down. LOL I hope somebody makes a reaction gif of this.

Katie: When I close my eyes and imagine how I want my engagement party to look I… I imagine it at your house. Oh yeah btw I already sent out the invitations kthxbyeeeeee

Lisa: Well fuck me, right?

Lisa reluctantly agrees (because she really has no choice at this point) but is not down with Kristen and Stassi coming. Katie doesn’t really object because she literally can’t say shit. Her friends are bat shit psychos who pretty much bring drama and punches everywhere they go.

Tom and Ariana are drinking champagne because Tom is done rehearsing the choreography for the music video he hasn’t even shot yet. Makes sense. I am just now finding out that his band’s name is Charles McMansion, which sounds like one of Andy’s failed band names on Parks & Rec.

The long-awaited (by a week) Kristen/James showdown goes down at some restaurant. Dun dun dun…

Surprise, Kristen doesn’t even need to look at a wine list before ordering. Never change.

Kristen: I’m excited to drink a lot of wine while James is trying to be sober.

James: I really miss Kristen, I regret every bad word I ever said to her…I just want her to realize that I’m sorry and I’m going to work on the guy my mom raised me to be.

Oh no, why’d we have to bring James’ creepy mom back into this? I JUST got those mental images out of my head. Thanks for nothing.

Kristen starts talking about her new boyfriend Carter (I thought his name was Alex? What’d I miss?)

Kristen: The best thing about Carter is that he’s smarter than me and he has perfect measurements. Total bf material.

I literally cannot think of one single reason Kristen has relationship problems. Nope, none.

James starts apologizing for basically being Satan while he and Kristen were dating.

James: I love hard and I hate hard.

Is this a real excuse? If this actually works, I’m stealing it.

Kristen calls Lala a ratchet whorebag. Once again, a classic case of the pot calling the kettle black.

It comes out that James probably cheated on Kristen with some girl named Jenna, Kristen says she needs space and James immediately starts cussing her out. Way to act like the man your mom raised you to be, James. Maybe this is why Kristen won’t get back together with you, just saying.

James starts begging her to come back and stroking her hair.

James: I miss you Kristen
Kristen: Cause I’m a fucking catch

Later, Kristen and Stassi are at a silk-screen business because I guess Kristen’s T-shirt line really is real. She’s gushing over some tank top with a basic-ass typewriter font, smh.

Kristen: Last month we sold just over 100 shirts and it’s really picking up.

Uh Kristen, hate to break it to you but I sold more T-shirts than that for my sorority formal.

Stassi, ever the shit-stirrer, brings up to Kristen that she drunkenly told her she and James made out in her car. Let the split-screen trickle-truths begin.

At Lala’s (I think?), Lala is really interrogating James about what went down with him and Kristen. For a “chill girl” who “DGAF” she’s sure asking a lot of pointed questions.

Meanwhile at the T-shirt place, Stassi is basically like the detective Benson of getting the truth out of Kristen.

James reveals to Lala that he and Kristen fucked in/on top of her car and Lala is PISSEDDDD. Wait Lala but I thought that you didn’t even want to fuck James bc he got whiskey dick one time? Literally, why do you care? She starts telling James to stop messing with Kristen “for his own good,” or maybe just for her pride, hard to tell. Maybe a little of both tbh.

Lala: Fuck this bitch for now, focus on what matters and maybe get your job back?
James: O shit you right.

Scheana, Katie and Tom are going over their engagement party menu. Tom really wants corn and tacos. Tom, nobody asked you. Also isn’t your engagement party like next week? How are you just deciding this shit now?

Katie chooses carrot cake with caramel coffee mousse tarts for the dessert. Sounds gross.

Tom: Why am I paying for everyone else to eat and drink on my behalf, shouldn’t they be paying for me?
Tom raises a solid point about societal norms and the wedding industry. What a deep episode.

Katie tells Scheana she may or may not invite Ariana to her engagement party. To recap: Stassi is invited to the party and Ariana is not. Damn Ariana, you fucked this up big time.

At Sur, Jax asks Lisa for a night off so he can take a red-eye to Hawaii to go to court. He keeps stressing that he might go to jail but like OK, how bad is Hawaiian jail? Isn’t it just like, the not-as-great rocky area of the beach?

Lisa is loving the fact that Jax is inconvenienced by this court appearance and really wants him to suffer more than I think is normal for someone who literally has no dog in this fight. Like usually I’m ride or die for Lisa but this seems a bit excessive.

Everybody is at some party…idk. Oh it’s the turtle-racing thing Kristen mentioned earlier. I’m sorry did I miss something or did they take a field trip to the back woods of Georgia?

We find out Katie had a one-night stand with the guy Kristen is dating. I don’t think this group could get more incestuous if they tried.

Kristen: I don’t love that Carter took us to some dive bar to watch turtles race.

Really Kristen, because you seemed super into the idea like, 5 minutes ago.

Katie decides that a good time to tell your friends they can’t come to your engagement party is when everyone’s drunk. Sure. What could go wrong?

Cut to: Stassi raging and Kristen looking like she’s about to flip a table. That went…pretty much exactly how I thought it would go. Good job, Katie.

Stassi: I’m not gonna go to Lisa’s house if she doesn’t want me there. I’m not Kristen.

Stassi over here with the good choices. Everybody should be taking notes.

Jax and Brittany go on a date in a completely empty restaurant and we finally get a glimpse of Brittany’s new boobs. They are way too big for her. Should’ve stuck with the C’s.

Jax: Well you look beautiful *camera pans to Brittany’s boobs*

Brittany and Jax discuss Jax’s impending trial because we haven’t heard about it enough times already.

Brittany: I just hope it goes as well as you think it will.
Jax: I didn’t rob a bank, JFC.

TBH I think a bank robbery would have bee a huge step up from some bs petty theft from Sunglasses Hut.

Jax: Katie and Tom’s engagement party is next weekend and IDK if I can have fun because I don’t believe in marriage.

That makes no sense…that’s like saying you don’t know if you can enjoy a bar mitzvah party because you’re not Jewish.

Jax: Idk why we need the paper to prove our love to each other *continues to dig himself into a deeper hole*
Brittany: Well I want all that shit and you just moved me out to LA to uproot my whole life and now you’re telling me you don’t want a family or a future?


Jax: Fuck…I’m having her move in with me…I bought her boobs…FML

Jax and Schwartz go to a driving range to prepare for court bitch about Brittany.

Jax: Like, I just bought you tits…calm your tits with the marriage talk ok?

Tom: Jax moved her out from Kentucky, bought her boobs, tells her he loves her, and now she has the nerve to ask about the possibility of marriage some day?


Tom Sandoval is (finally) shooting his music video nobody wants to see, bitching about how much money he spent. Meanwhile, the actors in the video are fucking Lala and Faith, who I’m sure he’s not paying. You’re lucky you have a whole group of model/actor coworkers, I’m just saying.

The concept of the music video is basically like they’re filming a porno in a library, so essentially the ending scene in The Girl Next Door.

Lala: I’m playing a straight-laced girl who gets unleashed by a sexual liberation machine.
Sounds about right.

Schwartz: IDK it feels like you and Tom have been ostracized.
Ariana: Yea it does feel like that.


Ariana busts out a dildo bass guitar. Nothing on this show surprises me anymore.

Ariana: Bring on the dildos. I got this.

T-SHIRT #3 HAS ARRIVED. I was getting worried there would be nothing quotable from this episode.
Sidebar: Is it bad that I’m semi-liking this song?

Tom Schwartz goes to talk to Lisa about the engagement party and is shadily breaking and entering into Lisa’s house bc she’s nowhere to be found? Also Lisa has a fucking mini-horse. WTF. No, scratch that, two mini horses. And neither are named Lil’ Sebastian. What a missed opportunity.

Tom: We’re doing a BBQ
Lisa: Please do not burn my house down.

Lisa tells Tom that she doesn’t want Kristen or Stassi there.
Lisa: And I ain’t no killer but don’t push me on this.

Stassi and Kristen meet with a realtor.

Stassi: As much as I like being Kristen’s drinking buddy, I feel like we’re destined to become the next Golden Girls at this rate.

I would watch that spinoff 60 years from now. Just saying, Bravo.

How tf is Stassi going to afford a $2,250 per month apartment when she apparently doesn’t have a job?

Kristen and Stassi commiserate over being un-invited to Katie’s engagement party.

Kristen: Lisa, you’re going to have to bring a fucking SWAT team to keep me away from Katie’s engagement party.

Honestly it seems like Kristen enjoys going to places she’s actively not wanted more than she likes going to shit she’s invited to.

Stassi: I missed the engagement, I’m not going to miss the engagement party.

Stassi didn’t you say 10 minutes ago that you’re not going to show up uninvited because you’re not Kristen? What the hell happened??

At the restaurant Katie is filling everyone in on the whole Stassi/Kristen thing with the party.

Ariana: Well obv. I wanna come to your party and support you guys

Finally, Jax is packing to go to Hawaii.

Jax: OK I’m ready. Wait where are those glasses? I guess I should return them.
Britt: I wish I could go with you
Jax: ….same.

Hahaha oh, poor Brittany. I hope for your sake you’re not still with Jax once this episode airs.

Jax: Everyone’s asking if I’m afraid to go to jail in Hawaii. Truth is I feel like I’m in jail in my apartment. This incident made me realize maybe I should slow things down a little bit. Having Brittany move in with me was too much.

Yeah Jax it’s too bad nobody tried to warn you about this before. OH WAIT. God I hope this girl has a backup plan. I don’t care how many episodes of Watch What Happens Live she and Jax go on, this relationship is doomed to fail eventually.


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