The sexy, unique (and by “unique” I mean derelict and emotionally stunted) SURvers of the Lisa Vanderpump spin-off show that literally no one asked for, have overtaken our hearts, our IQ levels (OK maybe not our IQ levels, I’m not fucking brain dead), and our Monday nights.
Watching Vanderpump Rules is akin to when I take my nightly (almost lethal) dose of Zoloft and Ambien. As in, it helps me forget that I have deep-rooted and severe abandonment issues. Because these wild, raging alcoholics/sociopaths are some of the darkest, soul depleted creatures I’ve ever seen on reality television (which is saying so much, considering I’ve re-watched Flavor of Love more than twice), and they, my friends, aren’t going anywhere.
Anyway, besides showing us the exact path of how not to live, the women (and men) of Vanderpump Rules have taught us so much when it comes to beauty. So here are all the superficial lessons we can learn from VPR. Because I have to believe that there’s something else to gain from this show, other than second-hand embarrassment and one (OK, two) T-shirts from James Mae.
1. Get A Beauty Blog
Honestly, Tequila Katie was on a downward spiral when it came to her hair journey in Season 2. That is, until she started Pucker and Pout. The beauty blog that again, literally no one asked for. Then, Katie’s hair blossomed from orange and upsetting to long and luxurious. Something she probably can’t say about Schwartz’s dick.
2. Don’t Overdo The Eye Makeup
Thank god Scheana Shay toned down her eye makeup and upped her ignorant perspective on addiction. It’s so much better to watch a woman berate her husband for a chemical dependency he can’t totally control without all that distracting liner. So take this as a lesson: if you want to settle down, procure a mediocre pill-addicted “nice” husband who “works in music”, and hang foam board pictures of yourself all over your frat house/apartment walls, stop wearing so much eye makeup. Dream big.
3. Slapping Is Good For Your Complexion
Kristen used to be pretty fucking hot. Then she gave Jax a BJ, got slapped by Stassi, turned into an actual psychopath, started to shadily look like a character from Ice Age, etc. etc. But after therapy (i.e. probably rehab), Kristen returned hotter than ever. I don’t know how she stays so thin but I bet it rhymes with shmocaine. The lesson to be learned is that sometimes you have to reach rock bottom to blossom back into a hotter version of your old self. So you can tell everyone to suck a dick.
4. Shave Your Forehead
Thank you to Vanderpump Rules for popularizing something I’ve been trying to get people to do for years. You can all go shave your foreheads now bye.
5. Plastic Surgery Is Chill/Necessary
I don’t know if anyone on the cast hasn’t had something done. (I can see Ariana rolling her eyes right now! And vehemently attesting that she has not! Because heteronormativity!) Anyway, maybe besides her, all these assholes have changed something about their face and/or bods. Which just goes to show, you can get all the nose jobs you want, but nothing will ever fix your cocaine addiction and abhorrent morals. Food for thought.