New Vagina Beer Popular With Trump Supporters, Teenage Masturbators

WISCONSIN — If there are two things America’s heartland cares about, it’s beer and authenticity. A new beverage company called Order of Yoni is hoping they’ll tick both boxes with the introduction of a new beer literally brewed using a woman’s vagina.

The beverage, a variety of the increasingly popular so-called “sour beers,” relies on vaginal lactic acid bacteria swabbed from the inside of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova’s vagina. Their IndieGogo page, currently sitting at just .03% of its 150,000 EUR goal, claims that the drink will “transfer woman’s features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers,” which remains to be seen. One thing that’s certain, however? The beer is proving incredibly popular with Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s supporters.

“We’re sick of the pandering, and we’re sick of the politics as usual,” said Trump supporter Richard Johansson at a recent campaign rally in Appleton, WI. “I appreciate that this beer’s brewed with real lady parts, the same way Trump speaks real truths about what’s going on in this failing country of ours.”

Does Johansson think this is a beer Trump himself would endorse?

“I don’t know. I know Donald doesn’t drink, but I think he understands women and women clearly love him. And hell, lookit this bottle. Definitely something The Donald would approve of.”

Pictured: the world’s most elegant yeast infection

Speaking of women, an odd reality of drinking Yoni is that female drinkers are, in a roundabout way, consuming another woman’s femininity with their mouths. Women at a Trump rally in De Pere, WI were just as divided over Yoni beer as women nationwide are over Trump.

“Absolutely not. What do I look like, some kinda dyke,” spat Roberta Kendrick, a Trump supporter and local softball legend. Other women had a softer take on the controversial beverage.

“I don’t know how much it tastes like ‘down there,’ because I’ve been out of college for a good 15 years now,” said Amy Fishman after trying Yoni for the first time. “I will say, though, that something about it reminds me of Trump. It has a yeasty, agitated quality that I can’t quite put my finger on.”

Perhaps less surprisingly, Yoni Vagina Beer is finding an audience with people not even old enough to vote Trump into the presidency, let alone buy alcohol: Horny, masturbating teenagers.

“There’s a lot of pressure on guys these days to have experience in the bedroom, but where am I supposed to get that?” said exasperated Dylan, a bespectacled 16-year-old waiting outside of a liquor store while his older brother shopped inside. “I mean, what if I go down on a girl for the first time and I’m shocked by the taste of her vagina? What if I puke on it?”

“Dude, what if—and hear me out—when we drink this beer, we pour it through a girl’s vagina first? It’d totally be like going down on two chicks at once!” exclaimed Dylan’s friend Kyle. The two exchanged high-fives before piling into the back of Dylan’s brother’s car.

For their part, the Germany-based creators of Yoni are surprised at the fledgling company’s early success.

“Honestly, we made the beer so we’d have an excuse to get in some hot girls’ pants. I guess we’re not surprised that Trump supporters and teenage boys, the two groups least likely to get anywhere near an actual vagina, would identify with our product,” they said via email.


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