The US Olympic Uniforms Are Fratty And Terrible

Let’s rewind to like, 2004. The O.C. was obviously the best show on television, and middle school me wanted nothing more than to look preppy AF.

I was obsessed with Hollister polos, Bermuda shorts, boat shoes, and, of course, all things Ralph Lauren. In fact, 2004 was the year of Ralph Lauren. His daughter was even the star of the short-lived Rich Girls series on MTV that year. But, I digress.

Fast forward to 2016. It’s not 2004, obvi, and the whole preppy thing is pretty much over.

Also, we’re barreling ahead toward the summer Olympic Games. NBC, of course, has some bullshit countdown to the start of the Rio Olympics. They start August 5, btw. To kick off their countdown, on day 100, the Today show revealed the fugly uniforms athletes will be wearing at the closing ceremonies.

Really, Today show? You’re going to show me Ryan Lochte in this monstrous ensemble? I only want to see Ryan Lochte mostly naked in a swimming pool or all the way naked on top of me.  That is all.

Let’s be honest, these uniforms are preppy tragedies. As a lover of most snobby fashions, including golf attire and tennis whites, even I think these are overkill.

Ralph Lauren is to blame. He started designing for the U.S. team in 2008 before the Beijing Games. Then, he was criticized for having the clothes, in a sick twist of irony, made in China. This year, the clothes were made in the good ol’ U.S. of A. So at least there’s that.

We’ve come a long way from the horror that was the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Games beret craze, but these outfits are still not on point. It’s like they took the wardrobe of every pretentious frat douche, threw it in a suck-machine with the American flag, puked out a million horrible outfits, and then paid sad worker people minimum wage to sew the Polo logo on. I just can’t.

Q: What’s worse, a Trump Presidency or embarrassing the nation with these outfits in Rio?
A: Ok, still Trump, but I did have to think about it for a second.


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