Remember the days when the only way to predict what kind of man you’d end up with was to spend $200 on a psychic, another $100 on crystal healing stones, and then wait for a “man of great riches” to show up in three to six months?
Oh…was that just me?
Anyway, I’ve saved a lot of money since joining Hinge—the profile prompts alone are enough to give any single betch a glimpse into her wifely future. Read on to uncover the read-between-the-lines truths.
1. The Husband Who Wants Sons But Will Only Get Daughters
I have noticed the millennial men of Hinge take to 90’s classic The Mighty Ducks like a fuckboy to the phrase, “You’re on the pill, right?” If any one of his prompts references this movie, take note: your future husband expects you to produce male heirs only. Consider letting him wear a Henry VIII-inspired cape to your wedding, because that’s what you’re in for.
Inevitably though, because this happens to every past-his-prime jock, he will be cursed with daughters. This is the universe’s way of punishing him for every “U up?” text he sent before settling down with you, his Hinge princess.
Parenthood with this guy may start off grim (prepare for tears at your gender reveal), but he will soon realize he can lace up hot pink hockey skates just as easily as black ones. Before you know it, this guy will be playing Pretty Pretty Princess with a competitiveness usually reserved for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final.
2. The Fancy Husband
Look, I know there’s a lid to every pot and all that hopeful shit, but is this guy serious? This is his “go-to dish”? Excuse me while I put on my ball gown and set the table with 15 forks for my “relaxed dinner.”
If you marry this guy, prepare for a lifetime of dinners resembling every meal at Richard and Emily Gilmore’s house, and Thanksgiving meals where sweatpants are not only discouraged…they are forbidden. Amazingly, some people enjoy this lifestyle. These are also the types of people who name their children “Winifred” and “Watson.”
I’m not into it, but I’m confident there’s a Barbour-clad betch somewhere out there just itching to release her inner Martha and enjoy a casual foie gras in front of the television Great Gatsby-esque, wood-burning fireplace.
Make sure you have ample ball gowns. You’ll need them.
3. The Husband Who LOVES Activities
In life, there are two types of people: those whose bucket list consists of “not hitting the snooze button 12 times,” and this guy.
On the surface, this future Hinge Husband looks like a shitton of fun. Four dates in, however, and you’ll realize the level of stamina it takes just to hang. Six dates in, you’ll find out about his “second” Instagram account—the one that’s sponsored by Red Bull and consists of thousands of GoPro pics of him leaping off mountains and dirt biking through jungles. Eventually, mainly because he gets an “influencer” discount at LuluLemon, you’ll agree to marry him.
Fair warning: This dude is exhilarating AF to be around, but your entire marriage will be like an episode of The Amazing Race with no prize at the end. He’s the type who, on your honeymoon, will say things like, “I’ve mapped out this relaxing itinerary for us.” When you look at it, one day will have enough activities crammed in to last the entire week.
4. The Childlike (But Loveable) Husband
No, this is not a quote from your future son or daughter. This is a real-life grown-up man. And someday, if you’re lucky, you could be his sprinkle-covered B&C (ball and chain, duh).
Married life with Mr. Ice Cream will consist of pretty much all things good: He will willingly take your brats to the amusement park, no questions asked. He will enjoy eating in bed with you while watching reruns of 90’s Nickelodeon game shows and The Nanny. He will never forget a birthday or anniversary, because he enjoys any type of party, period.
If you spot this guy on Hinge, run, don’t walk, to your spiked milkshake date. (Yes, these are a thing, and yes, he will suggest this.)
Images: Rawpixel.com / Unsplash; Hinge (4)